xd 101 rules for TRUE Satanists!
1. Own all books written by Anton LaVey
2. Quote Nietzsche obsessively, but own none of his books.
3. Come up with long, evil sounding nick names like the grand high exalted daemon magister templi rex of the third degree
4. Whenever greeting other Satanists, the only acceptable greeting is Ave.
5. When feeling especially Satanic say Ave Satanas.
6. Pretend Ave Satanas is appropriate Latin.
7. Use Latin as much as possible. It is the Dark Lord's chosen language.
8. Come up with evil sounding screen names for message boards, like goatlord666, infernalbelial9, and Crucifier.
9. End all screen names with 666.
10. If you can't come up with an evil enough sounding screen name placing Lord in front of your own name is acceptable.
11. Own all of Crowley's books and read exactly none of them.
12. Form an online Satanic org with you and your friends and declare yourself the high priest.
13. Give your org a hellish sounding name like The Temple of Unholy Sacrilege, The Evil Church of Satanic Divinity, or, if the name you want is taken, The FIRST Evil Church of Satanic Divinity.
14. Offer members of your org an evil looking certificate or card.
15. Update your org's site once a year- no exceptions!
16. Turn all crosses you see up side down.
17. Make inverted crosses out of random objects.
18. Draw inverted pentagrams on your spiral notebook in math class.
19. Wear all black, all the time!
20. Paint your fingernails black, and don't repaint them until it has all worn off.
21. If your parents let you, paint your room black.
22. Make a Satanic alter using your dresser.
23. Carry your Satanic Bible everywhere you go.
24. Stand up for originality and individualism, but look like every other Satanist.
25. Wear outrageous looking clothes, and then complain when other students make fun of you.
26. Wear Halloween cloaks and capes as your ritual attire.
27. Listen to heavy metal.
28. Make the sign of the horns and bang your head while listening to heavy metal.
29. Make the sign of the horns while looking in the mirror to remind yourself of just how evil you are.
30. Never smile for pictures, and make the sign of the horns.
31. Complain about real world actions with Satanism but spend all day on message boards.
32. Leave your Halloween decorations up year round.
33. Celebrate all Satanic holidays even if you don't know what they are for.
34. Get excited every time your sales receipt comes out to $6.66.
35. Instead of saying oh my god, say oh my Satan.
36. Repeat the Lord's Prayer backwards six times every night before bed.
37. Make long boring posts on message boards that don't go anywhere.
38. Your signature should contain at least six lines not including Hail Satan.
39. Join every online org you come across.
40. Join every e-group and message board you can, post at each one approximately twice.
41. Create your own message board, and only allow your friends access.
42. Make your own Satanic website by ripping off everyone else's.
43. Declare yourself a Modern Satanist, wait a week, declare yourself a traditional Satanist, then revert back to Modern Satanism.
44. When anyone asks you what the difference between traditional and modern Satanism is, simply say: We are all sons of the Dark Lord.
45. Tell all your friends that you follow the Left Hand Path. When asked what that means just stare at them blankly.
46. If it's a dark sounding religion or path, it must be linked to Satanism. Examples include: Vampyrism, Demonolatry, and Chaos Magic.
47. Always spell vampire with a "Y".
48. Name your pets after the Infernal Names.
49. Hang out in cemeteries after dark.
50. Stir up trouble in Christian chat rooms.
51. Always spell Christian as Xtian.
52. I know what your altar is missing, a fake skull.
53. Cover your car's bumper with Satanic bumper stickers. Act surprised when they get ripped off.
54. Own Satanic clothing and jewelry; only wear them indoors when your parents are not home.
55. Start fights with other Satanic orgs because they are not true enough.
56. Claim to have secret knowledge of ancient occult mysteries.
57. Offer viewing of these ancient secrets for a small, nonrefundable fee.
58. Claim that you come from a long line of devil worshippers and that LaVeyans are not true.
59. Get ordained at the Universal Life Church (ULC)
60. Attempt to gain tax exemption.
61. When passing Jehovah's Witnesses on the road, yell "God is dead" out the window while giving the sign of the horns.
62. Post on message boards with more than one screen name. Use one alias to back up the other's arguments.
63. Blame all your troubles on God. When something good happens yell Hail Satan.
64. Pretend online curses are intimidating.
65. Dye your hair black.
666. Try to obtain a pet goat.
66. Rewrite the Nine Satanic Statements, Eleven Satanic Rules of the Earth, and Nine Satanic sins.
67. Claim to be writing the next Satanic Bible.
68. Tell everyone you are the new "Black Pope".
69. Remember, Satanists are easy to make money off of. Sell Satanic paraphernalia at ridiculous prices.
70. Cheap Halloween accessories are an inexpensive source of ritual tools.
71. Bash Wiccans but own at least one Wiccan/Pagan book.
72. Read Harry Potter books.
73. When you have a strange dream, it must be significant, tell others immediately.
74. Use white out to draw inverted pentagrams on your backpack straps.
75. Cast curses on the bullies at school.
76. When someone asks you what's the significance of the Baphomet, tell them that it's a dark secret and cannot be revealed to outsiders.
77. Re-read The Satanic Bible, this time make sure to get past the second page.
78. Master the Enochian language.
79. Read Might is Right and wonder why it seems so familiar.
80. End all emails with Shemhamphorash.
81. If asked what Shemhamphorash means, stare blankly.
82. Don't spell Satan as S8N.
83. Start yet another Satanic group in Canada.
84. Claim ruler ship over the city your group resides in.
85. "Misplace" bibles from motel rooms.
86. Hang an up-side-down cross from your rearview mirror.
87. Call your phone company and request a phone number beginning with 666.
88. Own a pet snake.
89. Black cats also make acceptable pets.
90. Create a website using lots of graphics from Hellishgraphics.com
91. Play role-playing games obsessively.
92. Make it your life's quest to uncover the secret occult meaning behind "Yankee Rose".
93. Pretend the line between Thelema and Satanism does not exist.
94. Shave your head and grow a goatee.
95. Refer to your small collection of occult books as a library.
96. The only acceptable colors for your altar candles are black, white, and if feeling especially grim - red.
97. All true Satanists collect fantasy weapons off of ebay.
98. Makes plans to build an actual Satanic church.
99. If that does not work out make plans to open an occult book/coffee shop.
100. Hang out in the occult/new age section of the bookstore waiting for other dark brethren to arrive.
101. You mean to tell me you read this whole thing when you could have been jerking off in a cemetery while worshiping Satan somewhere?! For shame!!!
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