Welcome to Gaia! ::

*nods* I have a similar problem, but that's for another place and another day.

I think we all have experience with remembering things best left forgotten, though. sweatdrop

Hey, I'm pretty gullable myself. Or, I was. Basically, I placed trust in others and they went around and used it against me. *shrug* But it's all a part of living and it all happens for a reason - or, that's what I believe. That belief has gotten me through a lot of stuff, and all the while it's held true. It's helped me a lot, and hopefully it'll help you, too. ^-^

I've been doing some thinking again, and I came across an old thought I had a while ago. Describing myself as a mask salesman:

" In person, I could be described as a purveyor of masquerades, a mask salesman. A figure that walks down old roads few ever travel, wearing one of his wares. A student mask one day, a learned friend the next, and a pious believer on sundays. He acts in accordance to whatever mask he dons, trying to fool the passerby that he is what he intends to be. Only the truly astute can see through his acting, and see him for what may really be."

From time to time, I wonder if the mask salesman might still be around. Wondering around the corridors of my life, peddling me his inventory. I also wonder if my alter egos are not just masks of his that have come to life.

Well some stuff's happened. Here's the Madcap Re-cap:

- Met a spider godess (whom I believe to be Mother Spider)
- Taken up the idea of writing my own cosmology, which I will
- Now have a large gash on my forehead from a concrete wall, which is interesting because it's above another scar. both of which are lined up perfectly with the center of my forehead.
-Have begun entertaining the idea of becoming a mystic holy man of sorts

want an indepth explanation? request it.

WAI SIRTANLEE. =D

Okay, back on task.

I've always had an interest in meeting dieties and highe powers of all sorts; but sometimes when I dream of doing so, I smell a hint of self-fabrication. So I fear that my APing experiences and dream projections were self-created, those sometimes it's just so damn obvious that it wasn't that my little doubtful voice in my head shuts up.

So I had already had a few encounters with a spider-spirit of sorts, my house's spider population has suddenly boomed. Which I'm glad because of the ants and flies that have moved in as well.

However this all seems to have started with the poem to spiders I wrote. (posted in the chatting area)

Tis meetings with spiders and spider spirits kept happening for a week, and I soon felt that despite the legends of Anansi and the reputation of spiders in folklore to be spiders, I was safe around these creatures. Maybe even that they could help me with my magickal difficulties and spiritual matters.

So one night, I was laying in bed. Tired and focused. A time when I like to try and go clairvoyant. Listening to what's going on around me. So when I went clair, I felt a strong presence before me. I asked who it was, and it responded "Mother Spider". We talked for another minute, mostly her trying to reassure me that she was not like Anansi, and she would protect me and help me.

She has ever since.

I've looked to her for guidance, and she's even given me something called "The Alchemical Web of Being". I haven't had a chance to look into this further.

Nothing much, except a revelation of what religion and magick are.

Allegory.

Religions are allegories for a higher truth.

Magick the act of manifesting that greater truth in the lower realms.

"Please Tell Me Why- Do We Build Castles in the Sky?"

What to say about things I never said or things I said but shouldn't have. What to say about the things I didn't do. What to say about the things I shouldn't have done.

I've attempted suicide.

Thanam Ahn Dhul.

Why is everything different now?