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When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. (Sacha Guitry)

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. (Hemant Joshi)

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. (Socrates)

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. (Dumas)

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want? (Sigmund Freud)

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. (Anonymous)

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." (Henny Youngman)

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years." (Sam Kinison)

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage." (James Holt McGavran)

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't." (Patrick Murray)

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming: 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up. (Nash)

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... (Anonymous)

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. (Henny Youngman)

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. (Rodney Dangerfield)

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. (Milton Berle)

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy. (Anonymous)

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." (Anonymous)

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

These may sound bad but the moral at the end is a good one...

I was scared at first.
It was very wide, and very long,
and it angled straight up.
I decided I had to try it once.
I slowly and carefully eased myself onto it.
It felt weird at first.
Then I got used to it.
I went up and down, and up and down on it.
I was really loving it.

Now I ride on escalators all the time.

I took my fingers and slowly,
and gently stretched it apart.
It was so pure and white.
I licked it once, twice ... I found I couldn't stop.
I licked it faster and faster, and harder.
I began to scrape my teeth against it.
There it was, in my mouth!
All sweet and creamy.
I was done.

And I threw away the outsides of my Oreo cookies.

I squeezed it gently at first,
then a little bit harder.
There seemed to be more and more of it
I moved it towards my lips.
It was a strange and new sensation for me.
I put it in my mouth
and moved it around and around with my tongue.
The time soon came when I knew I had to spit it out.
It was quite an experience.

The 1st time I tasted toothpaste.

They were both round and firm.
There was only the slightest difference between the two.
I took one in my hand and twisted it hard.
I used my other hand to grab the other one
and twist it hard the other way.

Now there's a brighter light bulb in the living room.

It was very long, kind of thin.
I slid it between my fingers
until I got to the end of it.
I was turning it on.
It became firm in my hands,
and the end was wet.
Then it got very hard and began gushing out of the tip.

Then I took the garden hose and watered the bushes.

I knew it could be done.
I wanted to try but I didn't know if I could do it.
I called my friend.
He said he knew how to do it and would teach me.
He put his arms around me and started.
I watched nervously in the mirror.
He finally finished and pulled back slowly.
I felt relieved that it was over.

I hate neckties.

It looked warm and dark, and juicy and inviting.
I wasn't sure just what I wanted to do with it.
I carefully pulled it apart with my fingers to look into it better.
I knew how great it would be if I just started eating it.

But I decided to put ketchup on my burger.

MORAL???

It is not the word that corrupts the mind, but the mind that corrupts the word.

LESSON 1
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you will share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time,
you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.


LESSON 2
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car,
he stealthily slid his hand up her leg

The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said,
"Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized, "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of The Story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.


LESSON 3
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says,
"I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first! Me first!", says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."

Puff! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life."

Puff! He's gone

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of The Story: Always let your boss have the first say.


LESSON 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"

The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of The Story: If you're gonna to be sitting & doing nothing, you best be sitting very high up.


LESSON 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral Of The Story: "Bull s**t" might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there!


LESSON 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there,
a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung,
and promptly dug him out and ate him.

MORALS OF THE STORY:

1. Not everyone who puts you in deep s**t is your enemy.
2. Not everyone who gets you out of deep s**t is your friend.
3. And when you find yourself in deep s**t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

This ends the 3-minute management course!

There was a naked man resting and enjoying the view on the beach. He saw a little girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl came up to him and asked, "What do you have under the newspaper?"

Thinking quickly, the guy replied, "A bird." The girl walked away, and the guy fell asleep. When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. The police asked him what happened. The guy says, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this little girl asked me a question, I guess I dozed off, and the next thing I know is I'm here."

The police went to the beach, found the girl, and asked her, "What did you do to that naked fellow?" After a pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with his bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire!"

When the good Lord was making the world, he called Man aside and bestowed upon him 20 years of normal sex life. Man was horrified, but the Creator refused to budge. Then the Lord called the Monkey and gave him 20 years. "But I don't need 20 years," said the Monkey. "Ten years is plenty." "May I have the other 10 years?" asked Man. The Monkey agreed. The Lord called the Lion next and also gave him 20 good years. The Lion also only wanted 10, so again Man asked for the remaining ten. Then came the Donkey, who was also granted 20 years. Like the others, 10 was more than enough. Man again asked for the spare ten years and got them. This explains why Man has 20 years of normal sex life, 10 years of monkeying around, 10 years of lion 'bout it, and 10 years of making an a** out of himself.

A young couple, just married was in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As Emma undressed for bed, the husband tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here put these on."

She said "What?"

He said "Put these on."

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants", she said.

"That's right!" said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in the family!"

With that, she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on, and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecap. He said "Hell, I can't get into your panties."

She said, "That's right and that's the way its going to be until your attitude changes!"

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....



FIRST TESTIMONY:

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly,"How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"

I turned around and walked back out and never went back.

My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.



SECOND TESTIMONY:

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me.

Without thinking, I looked at him and said , "I think I like playing with men's balls."



THIRD TESTIMONY:

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically.

The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away

To this day, my sister has never let me forget.



FOURTH TESTIMONY :

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.

I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard as the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.



FIFTH TESTIMONY:

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?

My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room.

While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month- old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clean clothes with me."

Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"

"No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.

So, I asked one more time,

"Danny, did you have an accident?"

This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An older couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!



LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:

This one had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.

What happens when you predict snow, but don't get any?

We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, they were laughing so hard!

Now, didn't that feel good?

Fresh from her shower, a lady stood in front of the mirror complaining to her husband that her breasts were too small. Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds" Willing to try anything, she fetched a piece of toilet paper and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asked.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," her husband replies. She stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"


Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again. Stupid, stupid man.