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 Posted: Mon Mar 05, 2007 5:02 am
Scene 17
[wailing]
FATHER: Well, this is the main hall. We're going to have all
this knocked through, and made into one big, uh, living room.
RANDOM: There he is!
FATHER: Oh, bloody hell.
LAUNCELOT: Ha-ha! etc.
FATHER: Hold it, hold it! Please!
LAUNCELOT: Sorry, sorry. See what I mean, I just get carried
away. I really must -- sorry, sorry! Sorry, everyone.
RANDOM: He's killed the best man!
[yelling]
FATHER: Hold it, please! Hold it! This is Sir Launcelot from
the gorge of Camelot -- a very brave and influential knight, and my
special guest here today.
LAUNCELOT: Hello.
RANDOM: He killed my auntie!
[yelling]
FATHER: Please, please! This is supposed to be a happy occasion!
Let's not bicker and argue about who killed who. We are here
today to witness the union of two young people in the joyful bond
of the holy wedlock. Unfortunately, one of them, my son Herbert,
has just fallen to his death. But I think I've not lost a son, so
much as... gained a daughter! For, since the tragic death of her
father--
RANDOM: He's not quite dead!
FATHER: Since the near fatal wounding of her father--
RANDOM: He's getting better!
FATHER: For, since her own father... who, when he seemed about to
recover, suddenly felt the icy hand of death upon him,--
[ugh]
RANDOM: Oh, he's died!
FATHER: And I want his only daughter to look upon me... as her
own dad -- in a very real, and legally binding sense.
[clapping]
And I feel sure that the merger -- uh, the union -- between
the Princess and the brave, but dangerous, Sir Launcelot of
Camelot--
LAUNCELOT: What?
RANDOM: Look! The dead Prince!
CONCORDE: He's not quite dead!
HERBERT: Oh, I feel much better.
FATHER: You fell out of the cold tower, you creep!
HERBERT: No, I was saved at the last minute.
FATHER: How?!
HERBERT: Well, I'll tell you... [music]
FATHER: Not like that! Not like that! No, stop it!
SINGING: He's going to tell! He's going to tell!
FATHER: Shut up!
SINGING: He's going to tell! He's going to tell!
He's going to tell! He's going to tell!
He's going to tell! He's going to tell!
He's going to tell! He's going to tell!
CONCORDE: Quickly, sir! This way!
LAUNCELOT: No, it's not in my idiom! I must escape in my own
particular....(sigh)
CONCORDE: Dogma, sir?
LAUNCELOT: Dogma! Hee! Ha!
[crash]
Excuse me, could, uh, could somebody give me a push,
please...?
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Posted: Mon Mar 05, 2007 5:04 am
Scene 18
[clop clop]
ARTHUR: Old crone! Is there anywhere in this town where we could
buy a shrubbery!
[dramatic chord]
CRONE: Who sent you?
ARTHUR: The Knights Who Say Nee.
CRONE: Agh! No! Never! We have no shrubberies here.
ARTHUR: If you do not tell us where we can buy a shrubbery, my
friend and I will say... we will say... `nee'.
CRONE: Agh! Do your worst!
ARTHUR: Very well! If you will not assist us voluntarily,...
nee!
CRONE: No! Never! No shrubberies!
ARTHUR: Nee!
BEDEMIR: Noo! Noo!
ARTHUR: No, no, no, no -- it's not that, it's 'nee'.
BEDEMIR: Noo!
ARTHUR: No, no -- 'nee'. You're not doing it properly.
BEDEMIR: Noo! Nee!
ARTHUR: That's it, that's it, you've got it.
ARTHUR and BEDEMIR: Nee! Nee!
ROGER: Are you saying 'nee' to that old woman?
ARTHUR: Um, yes.
ROGER: Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can
`nee' at will to old ladies. There is a pestilence upon this land,
nothing is sacred. Even those who arrange and design shrubberies
are under considerable economic stress at this period in history.
ARTHUR: Did you say `shrubberies'?
ROGER: Yes, shrubberies are my trade -- I am a shrubber. My name
is Roger the Shrubber. I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies.
BEDEMIR: Nee!
ARTHUR: No! No, no, no! No!
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Posted: Mon Mar 05, 2007 5:05 am
Scene 19
ARTHUR: O, Knights of Nee, we have brought you your shrubbery.
May we go now?
HEAD KNIGHT: It is a good shrubbery. I like the laurels
particularly. But there is one small problem.
ARTHUR: What is that?
HEAD KNIGHT: We are now... no longer the Knights Who Say Nee.
RANDOM: Nee!
HEAD KNIGHT: Shh shh. We are now the Knights Who Say
Ecky-ecky-ecky-ecky-pikang-zoom-boing-mumble-mumble.
RANDOM: Nee!
HEAD KNIGHT: Therefore, we must give you a test.
ARTHUR: What is this test, O Knights of-- Knights Who 'Til
Recently Said Nee?
HEAD KNIGHT: Firstly, you must find... another shrubbery!
[dramatic chord]
ARTHUR: Not another shrubbery!
HEAD KNIGHT: Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must
place it here beside this shrubbery, only slightly higher so you
get a two-level effect with a little path running down the middle.
RANDOM: A path! A path! Nee!
HEAD KNIGHT: Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must
cut down the mightiest tree in the forest... with... a herring!
[dramatic chord]
ARTHUR: We shall do no such thing!
HEAD KNIGHT: Oh, please!
ARTHUR: Cut down a tree with a herring? It can't be done.
KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh! Aaaugh!
HEAD KNIGHT: Don't say that word.
ARTHUR: What word?
HEAD KNIGHT: I cannot tell, suffice to say is one of the words
the Knights of Nee cannot hear.
ARTHUR: How can we not say the word if you don't tell us what it
is?
KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh! Aaaugh!
ARTHUR: What, `is'?
HEAD KNIGHT: No, not `is' -- we couldn't get vary far in life not
saying `is'.
BEDEMIR: My liege, it's Sir Robin!
MINSTREL (singing): Packing it in and packing it up
And sneaking away and buggering up
And chickening out and pissing about
Yes, bravely he is throwing in the sponge
ARTHUR: Oh, Robin! ROBIN: My liege! It's good to see you!
KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh!
HEAD KNIGHT: He said the word!
ARTHUR: Surely you've not given up your quest for the Holy Grail?
MINSTREL (singing): He is sneaking away and buggering up--
ROBIN: Shut up! No, no no-- far from it.
HEAD KNIGHT: He said the word again!
ROBIN: I was looking for it.
KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh!
ROBIN: Uh, here, here in this forest.
ARTHUR: No, it is far from--
KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh!
HEAD KNIGHT: Aaaaugh! Stop saying the word!
ARTHUR: Oh, stop it!
KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh!
HEAD KNIGHT: Oh! He said it again!
ARTHUR: Patsy!
HEAD KNIGHT: Aaugh! I said it! I said it! Ooh! I said it
again!
KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh!
Narrative Interlude
NARRATOR: And so Arthur and Bedemir and Sir Robin set out on
their search to find the enchanter of whom the old man had spoken
in Scene 24. Beyond the forest they met Launcelot and Galahad,
and there was much rejoicing.
ALL: Yay! Yay!
NARRATOR: In the frozen land of Nador they were forced to eat
Robin's minstrels. And there was much rejoicing.
ALL: Yay!
NARRATOR: A year passed. Winter changed into Spring. Spring
changed into Summer. Summer changed back into Winter. And Winter
gave Spring and Summer a miss and went straight on into Autumn.
Until one day...
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Posted: Mon Mar 05, 2007 5:06 am
Scene 20
ARTHUR: Knights! Forward!
[boom boom boom boom BOOM boom boom boom boom]
What manner of man are you that can summon up fire without
flint or tinder?
TIM: I... am an enchanter.
ARTHUR: By what name are you known?
TIM: There are some who call me... Tim?
ARTHUR: Greetings, Tim the Enchanter.
TIM: Greetings, King Arthur!
ARTHUR: You know my name?
TIM: I do.
[zoosh]
You seek the Holy Grail!
ARTHUR: That is our quest. You know much that is hidden, O Tim.
TIM: Quite.
[pweeng boom]
[clap clap clap]
ARTHUR: Yes, we're, we're looking for the Grail. Our quest is to
find the Holy Grail.
KNIGHTS: It is, yes, yup, yes, yeah.
ARTHUR: And so we're, we're, we're, we're looking for it.
KNIGHTS: Yes we are we are.
BEDEMIR: We have been for some time.
ROBIN: Ages.
ARTHUR: Uh, so, uh, anything you can do to, uh, to help, would
be... very... helpful...
GALAHAD: Look, can you tell us wh-
[boom]
ARTHUR: Fine, um, I don't want to waste anymore of your time,
but, uh I don't suppose you could, uh, tell us where we might find
a, um, find a, uh, a, um, a uh--
TIM: A what...?
ARTHUR: A g--, a g--
TIM: A Grail?!
ARTHUR: Yes, I think so.
KNIGHTS: Yes, that's it. Yes.
TIM: Yes!
KNIGHTS: Oh, thank you, splendid, fine.
[boom pweeng boom boom]
ARTHUR: Look, you're a busy man, uh--
TIM: Yes, I can help you find the Holy Grail.
KNIGHTS: Oh, thank you.
TIM: To the north there lies a cave -- the cave of Kyre Banorg --
wherein, carved in mystic runes upon the very living rock, the
last words of Ulfin Bedweer of Regett [boom] proclaim the last
resting place of the most Holy Grail.
ARTHUR: Where could we find this cave, O Tim?
TIM: Follow! But! follow only if ye be men of valor, for the
entrance to this cave is guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel
that no man yet has fought with it and lived! Bones of four fifty
men lie strewn about its lair. So, brave knights, if you do doubt
your courage or your strength, come no further, for death awaits
you all with nasty big pointy teeth.
ARTHUR: What an eccentric performance.
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Posted: Mon Mar 05, 2007 5:06 am
Scene 21
[clop clop whinny]
???: They're nervous, sire.
ARTHUR: Then we'd best leave them here and carry on on foot.
Dis-mount!
TIM: Behold the cave of Kyre Banorg!
ARTHUR: Right! Keep me covered.
???: What with?
ARTHUR: Just keep me covered.
TIM: Too late!
[chord]
ARTHUR: What?
TIM: There he is!
ARTHUR: Where?
TIM: There!
ARTHUR: What, behind the rabbit?
TIM: It is the rabbit!
ARTHUR: You silly sod! You got us all worked up!
TIM: Well, that's no ordinary rabbit. That's the most foul,
cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on.
ROBIN: You tit! I soiled my armor I was so scared!
TIM: Look, that rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide, it's
a killer!
???: Get stuffed!
TIM: It'll do you a trick, mate!
???: Oh, yeah?
ROBIN: You monkey's scot's get!
TIM: I'm warning you!
ROBIN: What's he do, nibble your bum?
TIM: He's got huge, sharp-- he can leap about-- look at the
bones!
ARTHUR: Go on, Boris. Chop his head off!
BORIS: Right! Silly little bleeder. One rabbit stew comin'
right up!
TIM: Look!
[squeak]
BORIS: Aaaugh!
[chord]
ARTHUR: Jesus Christ!
TIM: I warned you!
ROBIN: I peed again!
TIM: I warned you! But did you listen to me? Oh, no, you knew
it all, didn't you? Oh, it's just a harmless little bunny, isn't
it? Well, it's always the same, I always--
ARTHUR: Oh, shut up!
TIM: --But do they listen to me?--
ARTHUR: Right!
TIM: -Oh, no--
KNIGHTS: Charge!
[squeak squeak]
KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh! Aaaugh! etc.
KNIGHTS: Run away! Run away!
TIM: Haw haw haw. Haw haw haw. Haw haw.
ARTHUR: Right. How many did we lose?
???: Gawain.
???: Hector.
ARTHUR: And Boris. That's five.
GALAHAD: Three, sir.
ARTHUR: Three. Three. And we'd better not risk another frontal
assault, that rabbit's dynamite.
ROBIN: Would it help to confuse it if we run away more?
ARTHUR: Oh, shut up and go and change your armor.
GALAHAD: Let us taunt it! It may become so cross that it will
make a mistake.
ARTHUR: Like what?
GALAHAD: Well,....
ARTHUR: Have we got bows?
???: No.
LAUNCELOT: We have the Holy Hand Grenade.
ARTHUR: Yes, of course! The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch! 'Tis
one of the sacred relics Brother Maynard carries with him! Brother
Maynard! Bring up the Holy Hand Grenade!
[singing]
How does it, uh... how does it work?
???: I know not, my liege.
???: Consult the Book of Armaments!
MAYNARD: Armaments, Chapter Two, Verses Nine to Twenty-One.
BROTHER: "And Saint Atila raised the hand grenade up on high,
saying, 'Oh, Lord, bless this thy hand grenade that with it thou
mayest blow thy enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy.' And the Lord
did grin, and people did feast upon the lambs, and sloths, and
carp, and anchovies, and orangutans, and breakfast cereals, and
fruit bats, and large --"
MAYNARD: Skip a bit, Brother.
BROTHER: "And the Lord spake, saying, 'First shalt thou take out
the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three, no more, no less.
Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the
counting shalt be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either
count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is
right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be
reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards
thou foe, who being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.'"
MAYNARD: Amen.
ALL: Amen.
ARTHUR: Right! One... two... five!
???: Three, sir!
ARTHUR: Three!
[boom]
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Posted: Mon Mar 05, 2007 5:09 am
Scene 22
???: There! Look!
LAUNCELOT: What does it say?
GALAHAD: What language is that?
ARTHUR: Brother Maynard, you're our scholar!
MAYNARD: It's Aramaic!
GALAHAD: Of course! Joseph of Aramathea!
LAUNCELOT: Course!
???: What does it say?
MAYNARD: It reads, 'Here may be found the last words of Joseph of
Aramathea. He who is valiant and pure of spirit may find the
Holy Grail in the Castle of uuggggggh'.
ARTHUR: What?
MAYNARD: '... the Castle of uuggggggh'.
BEDEMIR: What is that?
MAYNARD: He must have died while carving it.
LAUNCELOT: Oh, come on!
MAYNARD: Well, that's what it says.
ARTHUR: Look, if he was dying, he wouldn't bother to carve
'aaggggh'. He'd just say it!
MAYNARD: Well, that's what's carved in the rock!
GALAHAD: Perhaps he was dictating.
ARTHUR: Oh, shut up. Well, does it say anything else?
MAYNARD: No. Just, 'uuggggggh'.
LAUNCELOT: Aauuggghhh.
???: Aaauggh.
BEDEMIR: You don't suppose he meant the Camauuuugh?
???: Where's that?
BEDEMIR: France, I think.
LAUNCELOT: Isn't there a Saint Aauuuves in Cornwall?
ARTHUR: No, that's Saint Ives.
LAUNCELOT: Oh, yes. Saint Iiiives.
SEVERAL: Iiiiives.
BEDEMIR: Oooohoohohooo!
LAUNCELOT: No, no, aauuuuugh, at the back of the throat.
Aauuugh.
BEDEMIR: No, no, no, oooooooh, in surprise and alarm.
LAUNCELOT: Oh, you mean sort of a aaaagh!
BEDEMIR: Yes, but I-- Aaaaagh!
???: Oooh!
???: Oh, no!
[roar]
MAYNARD: It's the legendary Black Beast of aaauuugh!
ARTHUR: Run away!
ALL: Run away! Run away!
[roar]
NARRATOR: As the horrendous Black Beast lunged forward, escape
for Arthur and his knights seemed hopeless. When, suddenly, the
animator suffered a fatal heart attack. [ulk] The cartoon
peril was no more. The Quest for Holy Grail could continue.
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Posted: Mon Mar 05, 2007 5:10 am
Scene 23
ARTHUR: There it is! The Bridge of Death!
ROBIN: Oh, great.
???: Look!
ARTHUR: There's the old man from Scene 24!
BEDEMIR: What is he doing here?
ARTHUR: He is the keeper of the Bridge of Death. He asks each
traveller five questions--
???: Three questions.
ARTHUR: Three questions. He who answers the five questions--
???: Three questions.
ARTHUR: Three questions may cross in safety.
ROBIN: What if you get a question wrong?
ARTHUR: Then you are cast into the Gorge of Eternal Peril.
ROBIN: Oh, I won't go.
???: Who's going to answer the questions?
ARTHUR: Sir Robin!
ROBIN: Yes?
ARTHUR: Brave Sir Robin, you go.
ROBIN: Hey! I've got a great idea. Why doesn't Launcelot go?
LAUNCELOT: Yes, let me go, my liege. I will take him
single-handed. I shall make a feint to the north-east--
ARTHUR: No, no, hang on hang on hang on! Just answer the five
questions--
???: Three questions.
ARTHUR: Three questions as best you can. And we shall watch...
and pray.
LAUNCELOT: I understand, my liege.
ARTHUR: Good luck, brave Sir Launcelot. God be with you.
KEEPER: Stop! Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me
these questions three, 'ere the other side he see.
LAUNCELOT: Ask me the questions, bridge-keeper. I'm not afraid.
KEEPER: What is your name?
LAUNCELOT: My name is Sir Launcelot of Camelot.
KEEPER: What is your quest?
LAUNCELOT: To seek the Holy Grail.
KEEPER: What is your favorite color?
LAUNCELOT: Blue.
KEEPER: Right. Off you go.
LAUNCELOT: Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.
ROBIN: That's easy!
KEEPER: Stop! Who approaches the Bridge of Death must answer me
these questions three, 'ere the other side he see.
ROBIN: Ask me the questions, bridge-keeper. I'm not afraid.
KEEPER: What is your name?
ROBIN: Sir Robin of Camelot.
KEEPER: What is your quest?
ROBIN: To seek the Holy Grail.
KEEPER: What is the capital of Assyria?
ROBIN: I don't know that! Auuuuuuuugh!
KEEPER: Stop! What is your name?
GALAHAD: Sir Galahad of Camelot.
KEEPER: What is your quest?
GALAHAD: I seek the Holy Grail.
KEEPER: What is your favorite color?
GALAHAD: Blue. No yel-- Auuuuuuuugh!
KEEPER: Heh heh. Stop! What is your name?
ARTHUR: It is Arthur, King of the Britons.
KEEPER: What is your quest?
ARTHUR: To seek the Holy Grail.
KEEPER: What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
ARTHUR: What do you mean? An African or European swallow?
KEEPER: What? I don't know that! Auuuuuuuugh!
BEDEMIR: How do know so much about swallows?
ARTHUR: Well, you have to know these things when you're a king
you know.
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Posted: Mon Mar 05, 2007 5:11 am
Scene 24
ARTHUR: Launcelot! Launcelot! Launcelot!
BEDEMIR: Launcelot! Launcelot!
ARTHUR: Launcelot! Launcelot!
BEDEMIR: Launcelot! Launcelot!
[angels singing]
ARTHUR: The Castle Aggh. Our quest is at an end! God be
praised! Almighty God, we thank Thee that Thou hast [something]
safe [something] the most-
[twong baaaa]
Jesus Christ!
GUARD: 'Allo, daffy English kaniggets and Monsieur Arthur-King,
who is afraid of a duck, you know! So, we French fellows out-wit
you a second time!
ARTHUR: How dare you profane this place with your presence!? I
command you, in the name of the Knights of Camelot, to open the
doors of this sacred castle, to which God himself has guided us!
GUARD: How you English say, I one more time-a unclog my nose in
your direction, sons of a window-dresser! So, you think you could
out-clever us French folk with your silly knees-bent running about
in dancing behavior! I wave my private parts at your aunties, you
heaving lot of second hand electric donkey bottom biters.
ARTHUR: In the name of the Lord, we demand entrance to this
sacred castle!
GUARD: No chance, English bedwetting types. I burst my pimples
at you and call your door opening request a silly thing. You
tiny-brained wipers of other people's bottoms!
ARTHUR: If you do not open this door, we shall take this castle
by force!
[splat]
In the name of God and the glory of our--
[splat]
Right! That settles it!
GUARD: Yes, this time and [something] any more or we fire arrows
at the tops of your heads and make castanets out of your testicles
already! Ha ha!
ARTHUR: Walk away. Just ignore them.
GUARD: No, remain ??? illegitimate faced buggerfuls! And, if you
think you got nasty taunting this time, you ain't heard nothing
yet! Daffy English kaniggets! Thpppt!
ARTHUR: We shall attack at once!
BEDEMIR: Yes, my liege!
ARTHUR: Stand by for attack!
[ ending nonsense ]
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Posted: Mon Mar 05, 2007 2:45 pm
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Posted: Tue Mar 06, 2007 1:18 pm
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Posted: Tue Mar 06, 2007 5:42 pm
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Posted: Wed Mar 07, 2007 1:15 am
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Posted: Wed Mar 07, 2007 2:51 pm
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Posted: Fri Mar 09, 2007 7:26 pm
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Posted: Fri Mar 09, 2007 8:29 pm
im too lazy to read it alll...
on spring break, doing as little work as possible
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