The NEW Sunday Funnies! - Jokes for the week thread.

[The Hudson Hawk]

Hello and greetings in Christ Jesus name.
Yes, It's that time of the week again...
It's time for the *Joke of the Week* for the week begining March 11th, 2012.
I do hope that you rather enjoy them....

The Arithmetic Lesson
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A boy was teaching a girl arithmetic: he said it was his mission.
He kissed her once: he kissed her twice and said, "Now that's addition."
In silent satisfaction, she sweetly gave the kisses back and said, "Now that's subtraction."
Then he kissed her, she kissed him, without an explanation.
And both together smiled and said, "That's multiplication."
Then her dad appeared upon the scene and made a quick decision.
He kicked that boy three blocks away and said,
"That's long division!"

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The Top Ten Things Only Women Understand
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10- Cat's facial expressions.
9- The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8- Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7- Fat clothes.
6- Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5- The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4- Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3- Eyelash curlers.
2- The inaccuaracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
1- Other women.
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Young vs Old
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A young man, who was also an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured that if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home.
Just as he was about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone.
Not being able to say no, he allowed the old man to join him.
To his surprise, the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistantly and didn't waste much time.
Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball and directly between his ball and the green.
After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot, the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age, I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally laid.
The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age, that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."
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Alrighty then... There you go.
Those were your *Jokes of the Week*. I hope that you enjoyed them and that they brought a bit of cheer to you, a smile, a laugh, or even a chuckle. At any rate, I pray that your week is a great one and that you and yours are extremely blessed.
*Remember*
If you have a good clean joke, a riddle, or even a poem or short story that you think is funny. Go ahead and share it here with the rest of us. We can all use a smile from time to time.
I leave you now with these immortal words from the late Stephen Grellet:
I expect to pass through this world but once.
Any good, therefore, that I can do or any kindness I can show to any fellow creature, let me do it now.
Let me not defer or neglect it for I shall not pass this way again.

Have a great week, and may God continue to pour out His blessings on you in all that you do in His name.

Your brother in Christ,
David D.
The Hudson Hawk  

[The Hudson Hawk]

Hello and greetings in the name of our Lord and Savior Christ Jesus!
I hope that everyone had a great week this past week and that you are enjoying all this nice spring time weather and foliage blooming now that Spring has sprung.
It is that time of the week again my friends,
It's time for *The Joke of the Week* for the week of March 18th through to the 24th, and this weeks *Joke of the Week* is brought to you by our very own Crossed Duck who owns a fertilizer business.
Their motto is:
"We're number one at number two."
Thank you Duck for sponsering the *Joke of the Week* this week.
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Senior Moment
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Several days ago as I left a meeting at our church, I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down.
I was looking for my keys.
They were not in my pockets.
A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.
Suddenly, I realized I must have left them in my car.
Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.
My wife, Diane, has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.
My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the doors of the church, I came to a terrifying conclusion. Her theory was right.
The parking lot was empty.
I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered. (I always call her "Honey" in times like these.)
"I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."
There was a period of silence.
I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard Diane's voice.
"Ken" she barked, "I dropped you off!"
Now it was my time to be silent.
Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."
Diane retorted, "I will, as soon as I can convince this policeman that I did not steal your car!!!"

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Happiness:
--------------------
To be happy with a man,
You must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman,
You must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

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How to stop people from bugging you about getting married
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Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings,
poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me,
"Your next!."
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

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I do hope that you have enjoyed these jokes this week as much as I have enjoyed bringing them to you. I hope that you will be able to start your week, your Monday's with a smile, a laugh, a giggle or even a grin and know that someone out there is enjoying your smile as well.
*Remember-If you have a good clean joke, story, riddle, or a poem that you think would bring a smile to someone.
Please share it here with the rest of us. We can always use a good laugh in our daily walk with our Lord, nothing wrong with it.

Have a blessed week. I pray that God will continue to pour out all kinds of blessings on you and your familys this week and always.

Your brother in Christ,
Dave
The Hawk.  

[The Hudson Hawk]

Greetings all of my fellow brothers and sister in Christ.
I pray that you all have had a wonderful weekend.
It's that time of the week again - It's the *Joke of the Week* - For the week of March 25th to April 1st, 2012.

Time to retire that drivers license
==========================
An elderly woman called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car had been broken into.
She is hysterical to the dispatcher:
"They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal & even the accelerator!" she cried.
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm maam... An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in,
"Disregard" He says.
"She got in the back - seat by mistake."

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Selling?
Scorcher Murphy was selling his house, and put the matter in an agent's hands.
The agent wrote up a sales blurb for the house that made wonderful reading.
After Murphy read it, he turned to the agent and asked,
"Have I got all ye say there?"
The agent said, "Certainly ye have... Why d'ye ask?"
Replied Murphy, "Cancel the sale... "Tis too good to part with."

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Well thats that. The *Joke of the Week* for this week.
I hope that you will enjoy them as much as I have enjoyed bringing them to you. I pray that it will help to start your week with a smile or a grin, a laugh.
I will leave you with this;
Ephesians 1:19, (AMP)
"And [so that you can know and understand] what is the immeasurable and unlimited and surpassing greatness of His power in and for us who believe..."
(This is called "Unprecedented Favor")

*Remember- If you have a good clean joke, riddle, story, or a poem be sure to share it with all of us here in this thread.
We can always use a smile and it's always nice to pass one on to someone else.

Have a blessed week.
Your brother in Christ our Lord,
David D.
The Hawk.  

[The Hudson Hawk]

Hello and greetings in our Lord and Saviors name Christ Jesus!
It is that time of the week again, all though a bit of a day late and a pound short.
It is *Joke of the Week* time for the week of April 1st 2012 to April 6th 2012.

Amazing Physical
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A 90 year old man goes for a physical.
All of his tests come back with normal results.
The doctor says, "George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"
George replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! The light goes off."
Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife.
"Ethel," he says, "George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God.
Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof!
The light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof!
The light goes off?"
"Oh, sweet Jesus!" exclaimed his wife.
"He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"

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First Ball Game
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A young lady arrived at her first ballgame during the 5th inning.
"The score is 0 to 0," She heard a nearby fan say.
"Oh, good," she cooed to her boyfriend,
"then we haven't missed a thing."

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Tooth - Brush
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Research had been going on for many years as to the invention of the toothbrush.
Researchers knew the purpose of the device, but wanted to know and acknowledge the originating location.
After a very long and exasperating study the researchers came to their conclusion as to the origin of the toothbrush.
It was decided that the brush was invented in West Virginia.
Intrigued with the discovery, the researchers were asked by the media how they came to the conclusion.
They all agree it was simple deduction,
"If it was invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush."
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Well, there you are.. The *JOKE of the WEEK*.
I do hope that they will bring to you as much enjoyment as I had bringing them to you, and I pray that you will be able to start your week with a grin, a smile, a laugh, or even a chortle or chuckle.
*Also please remember that if you have a good clean joke or riddle, poem, short story that has made you laugh and you think that it will do the same for others then by all means share it here with the rest of us.
We can all use a smile or two in our daily lives and it's great to share a smile with someone else as well.

I will leave you with this one thought from
John 10:10, (NIV)
"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy;
I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full".

LIVE We are created to thrive.

May God continue to pour out His blessings upon you in all the things that you do and say in His name and for His glory!
Your brother in Christ,
David D.
The Hawk.