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I had another bad dream last night that involved crying..

Though I don't remember why I was crying or even what happened.
Woke up this morning feeling blah.. that feeling is still with me.
I don't want to do what I normally do which is sit here & talk to whoever happens to be online or surf the net.
I want to do something new... like an art project... or get a library book.
Only issue is I have no money & no way of getting anywhere.

Today is also my sisters birthday.. I feel like designing her something special.. I'm just not sure what I would make or how I would make it.
I haven't seen her in months.. so I don't even know what shes into.

I miss my family but at the same time I don't. I wonder if they miss me

You probably saw them there because thats what youve been thinking about recently.

I had two dreams last night.

The first one scared me. I was with a group of people.. maybe 3-4 & we were walking around outside at night time. We came across this house & we went inside to see if the people living there would give us a place to sleep. They welcomed us & gave us a room. The room happened to belong to their deceased daughter who was mentally ill. They told us that she had killed herself in the room & sometimes odd things happened in there.
We were getting ready to sleep when all the sudden the beds start moving around. Being the person I am.. I freaked out & said ******** this. I guess I wasn't the only one thinking that because when I left the house the others followed me. We ended up sleeping outside ( which.. Im also scared of..)
I can't remember the rest but I know some people ended up being killed & getting stuck in that world. The most I can recall is the dark blue tinted forest we had to travel through.

The second dream was very realistic for me.. I really thought it was happening.
My mother had come over to visit me for the second time since I had moved in. We were all standing in the living room when she turns to me & says " So is this an engagement ring?" .. I cursed under my breath & remembered that I had left my rings on the counter. She asked the question again & I said yes.. I've been engaged for a while now..
Mom sits down on the couch & looks up at me & asked why I didn't tell her.
I said that I was going to.. I just didn't know how & I wasn't sure I should since I had been fighting a lot with him lately.
All the sudden she starts crying & telling me Im ruining my life.
I get angry with her & tell her this is exactly the reason I don't tell her anything about my life because shes never supportive of anything I do.
She yells at me that I am only 18.. & I have to correct her & tell her that I'm 19 & almost 20.
I also threw at her that when she was my age she was already pregnant & married. So she had no room to say anything to me.
Mom kept saying I was ruining my life & eventually I blurted out that if she was going to be acting this way that I wanted her out of my house & not to speak to me anymore until she learns to be a supportive mother.


Different versions of the dream happened.
That was the first one & the second one was of me telling her about my grandfather molesting me & that my sister knew.

I woke up after that kinda mad.. but mostly thirsty x.x had really dry mouth.

I'm glad I went to go visit my family yesterday, I missed them a lot.
Plus I finally got my computer from my sisters room. I need to get it fixed..
But I'm mostly glad that mom let me keep the screen.. if she had said no we would of had to buy another one. Which would of cost money we don't have.

As much as I enjoy other people's nightmares, I hope that you manage to have a few decent dreams in the days to come, or at least some forgetful oblivion.

Ever hear that people don't dream when they're drunk? I believe it. I've been drinking pretty heavily these past few days, but all I had last night was one glass of wine at an art opening, so I dreamed with a vengeance... Or maybe I just remember a few more than usual.
I won't share them all, but I will say that I recall there being a scene where I was gambling away unsigned checks that I got from my birthday with someone that I got the sense was a dangerous man. I think that I came out ahead, but wound up having to run away with this group of other people and then getting lost in a town that seemed... Somehow off in how the people looked, especially the younger ones. It evoked a sense of Lovecraft's writing, for those familiar, or at least his xenophobic descriptions of most of the places of which he wrote.
There was another part where Kenny had learned to squeeze through the smaller openings of his cage. I worried me that he might run out of the house and get lost, one day... This one is easy to analyze. Looks like no one told my dreaming mind that Kenny already "slipped away" and is long, long gone, never to return.

Not sure if anyone has noticed my absence or not..
but I suppose I can at least try to explain myself.

This past two weeks have been.. more than a little stressful.
My biological father & half brother contacted me on facebook telling me that they've been trying to find me for the past 4 years & wish to have a relationship.
Soon after his mother followed suit & contacted me as well.
My mother had a fit.. & cursed & threatened a whole lot. So that added to the stress.

I've been sleeping a lot because of my headaches that only seem to go away with sleep.

That & my nightmares have returned.
Scary & disturbing nightmares -...-;

figure I should post this in here.


I don't feel good. I had another nightmare the other night, but it wasn't a normal nightmare. Yes, there was a horrible death like normal.. but those are usually of people I don't know. This one was about my mother. & before now I never realized how attached I was to her. I watched my mother dying & screaming in pain & I wasn't able to do anything but watch. Her death split up my family & I was left alone to fend for myself. Everyone I knew either walked away from me or told me I would get over it.
I've never felt that much pain & heart ache before & it was just a ******** dream.. I never ever want to experience something like that in real life. I freaking pray I pass before my mother ever does because I don't want to end up in the crazy state of depression I was in. I know.. it was just a dream.. but I can't help but cry over this. What if my mother does die tomorrow... or the day after? She won't ever get to see my get married.. or be there when I have kids. I still have so many things to tell her that I've always been so scared to say. I can't imagine going to my grave about my grandfathers secret. I'm not even 20 years old yet & that secret has been driving me crazy yet Im STILL too chicken s**t to say anything.

I miss my mom. I felt like calling her this morning just to make sure she was really there. I want to hug her & know that she is real & safe.

I can't stop crying.. I don't know why this is bugging me so much. Maybe it's not even about the dream.. or maybe the dream was just a trigger to release all this backed up emotion that I've been trying to hide from everyone & myself.. mostly myself. I'm so tired.. I want to sleep.. but I can't handle anymore nightmares.. I really cant. I feel like Im slowly ganna go insane... at least if I haven't already.