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Konoha, Suna, Iwa, Getsu, Kiri, and Otogakure's conjoined profile and resource guild. 

Tags: Hidden, Village, Naruto, Literate, Community 

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[Mitarashi Anko] Hatake Anko-San Goto Page: [] [<] 1 2 3 [>] [»|]

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Shokaku Kaien
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PostPosted: Sat Nov 28, 2009 5:06 pm


My text is in bold in the quote.

Hatake Anko-San
Anko stood outside the village, wondering what was going on. Several people, including ninja, had gone missing in the area and she had been assigned to figure out what was happening. She sighed and began her patrol.
Who went missing? Where outside the village was she standing; what was her surroundings? How did she stand? There could be so much more detail here that just isn't.
"Of course they have me do this before I've had my dango..." She sighed
She couldn't find anything strange or suspicious around, but she didn't drop her guard. She placed her hand over the mark on her neck, wincing at the horrible memories that flooded into her mind.
Still no explanation of her surroundings or where or what she's searching. How is she conducting this search? Does she have help, is she using any tools? Why was this search suddenly derailed by her curse mark, which you also described in lackluster fashion?
"No traces of anything! Why me?" She groaned, hoping something would give her a lead.
Still nothing.
She knew something was up, but nothing seemed to be anything that would conceal an enemy, but she knew not to let that fool her. A small rustle in the trees caught her attention.
How did she know something was up? We haven't seen her actually do anything yet.
"There's no wind today, so that means..." She observed, jumping into the tree.
No wind means what, exactly?
Her stomach growled. She knew the faster this was done, the faster she could eat. She searched her tool pouch for shuriken to possibly use to get the enemy to reveal themselves or drop something. A small flutter caught her eye. A paper bomb.
"Crap!! Kidnapping isn't what their up to! They're trying to sabotage anyone who's tracking them! No wonder everyone's been going missing!"
She jumped out of the way of the explosion and followed the sound of rustling leaves. She had whoever it was on the run. As long as the wind didn't suddenly pick up, she had the culprit. Another paper bomb dropped in front of her. She didn't jump out of the way in time.
A paper bomb explodes in her face, but she still has the wherewithal afterward to just speak like nothing happened? Is she injured? What's the deal?
"No! I've lost them!"


I'd say this is semi-lit at best.
PostPosted: Sat Nov 28, 2009 5:10 pm


I'm also basically asleep at the keyboard. My writing is usually much better. Read the stories I've posted if you don't believe me. I do appreciate your advice, though.

FaeWicket

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Shokaku Kaien
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PostPosted: Sat Nov 28, 2009 5:21 pm


You don't have a journal, your post history consists of... some cuddle thread nonsense, and none of your recent created topics contain any roleplay whatsoever.

I'm afraid you're gonna have to direct me to these "stories", but I doubt they'd help the case. If you're truly any sort of a writer you wouldn't allow what you posted to pass. Aside from the actual writing the format was atrocious.
PostPosted: Sat Nov 28, 2009 5:26 pm



FaeWicket

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Shokaku Kaien
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PostPosted: Sat Nov 28, 2009 5:30 pm


It's literate I suppose, but the format is still terrible... Don't know how to form actual paragraphs? The structure is all over the place; I don't know if you think it looks good, but it makes it more difficult to follow, and it actually exacerbates the lack of detail in the single lines.

There's no emotion shown between the dialogue, no indication of tones, no gestures passed... It's missing the entire human element.
PostPosted: Sat Nov 28, 2009 6:18 pm


Enough of this.

Kaien- You are free to comment on any profile in this guild, as is anyone who believes they can help a player make their character more fair, or their submission more acceptable.

However, you do not represent the actual moderation who decides whether submissions pass or fail, and I will expect you to make that explicitly clear to anyone you comment on in the future.

Darkness- Blunt as he may be, I have yet to disagree with a single judgment he's made in this thread so far. We're not all the nicest people in the world here, as his quote showed, and being nice isn't necessarily our job. We just have to help people create acceptable characters.

That said, as a moderator it's your right to punish what you think is wrong. I would advise, however, to find a better way to handle the situation.

]-Kakashi-[
Crew


Shokaku Kaien
Crew

PostPosted: Sat Nov 28, 2009 6:30 pm


Apologies all around. In the future I'll make sure whoever I'm critiquing knows I'm not a mod. I've never claimed to be, but I haven't claimed to not be one either, so I understand if some confusion could be floating around.

I'm abrasive, and I'm kind of a d**k, and obviously I admit it. But I really am just trying to help out.
PostPosted: Sat Nov 28, 2009 6:32 pm


My apologies Kakashi and Kaien, in the future I will be less public and make sure I have gotten all moderators opinions before making blanket statements.

-Darkness_Complex-
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FaeWicket

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PostPosted: Sat Nov 28, 2009 7:40 pm


It's obvious I didn't get the character, so I will try again later.
PostPosted: Sat Nov 28, 2009 7:46 pm


In the meantime, you should read the sticky up here "Cannogakure Village Primer" and see if it's something you're interested in. wink

Arcturus Highwind
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FaeWicket

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PostPosted: Sat Nov 28, 2009 7:49 pm


Doesn't interest me. I'm trying to come up with a better RP sample, though it's apparent that I'm not good enough.
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The Hidden Villages Profile Guild

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