Welcome to Gaia! ::

Okay, that was pretty awesome. ^_^ Definitely my favorite of the posts so far, mostly because it has a little bit more of the wowy sauce. Lol, I'm a sucker for intensity.
No serious errors in readability. You will develop a more fluid sense of explaining things as time goes on. As it is, you're doing pretty good. The way you describe things is straight to the point.
I think the only thing I wondered about was the use of surreal at the end of the first paragraph. Surreal denotes a perception, so it has to be perceived by someone, but the paragraph is detached from anything any of the characters present are saying or thinking.

An easy way to fix something like this would be to insert: For (name of said character), the reality was so harsh that it seemed surreal.

It's a very minor issue, but something to pay attention to in the future. Any time you state something that is a perception, you'll want to relate it to the person or persons perceiving it at the same time. ^_^

Line 9: The other person in the Sargrada Familia changed before his sight. (Is this character previously described? If so, no problem. If not however, describe what he looked like before the change, so that the reader can visualize the change.)

Hmm.. looks around.

In regards to the garments being ripped almost beyond repair. Try to use another visualization. This works, but people will have different ideas about what's repairable, and what's not, and still might wonder how damaged it actually was.

Try to avoid using general terms when you can use something specific.
It also saves on your word count.

For example, replace: His eyes seemed to be stained
Direct: His eyes were stained.

Like Milk poured into coffee, white smoke billowed...
As much as I love your analogy there ^_^ Combining the visuals of coffee and milk with a scene that is supposed to be so disasterous that it's surreal is somewhat out of place. This is a perfect opportunity to forge an analogy that staples the reader to the destruction that's taking place. Or you could remove that part of it and just start with, White smoke billowed. Why? Because that's direct and to the point. If you're telling them what happened, why do you need to tell them what it was like? You don't need to, because you're already telling them. =)

And piggyback is a method, not a style. There's no need to say she carried someone piggy-back style. She just carried them piggyback.

I know this might seem like a bit much, but having dealt with my fair share of editors over the years, their gripes and compliants still ring in my ears to this day lol.
It's because you're doing so good with this, I want to point out anything that can be simply and justly improved. Of course, I won't be nailing everything lol.

The second half of this is great!

>.> Fanfiction people are catching up to you guys...
I won't be able to update for a while because I'm getting ready to go back to College... >.>
Again, everything belongs to Yoshida.... Except for Sain (aka Fwoosh) and Mar (aka Zoom)... and Robyn and Moni... >.>
____________________

The three of them worked through the night to dig out those who ignored the two girls’ warnings and stayed in the buildings. Thanks to the ‘mysterious’ explosions that happened moments before the Silent Noise took out the buildings surrounding Dominic Pharmaceuticals, the people inside were not killed, though they had several close calls and many of them were in surgery all night.
“This has to be a miracle.” Someone who had escaped from the building said as he helped them unearth another man from the wreckage. This one had a compound fracture, the bone peaking through the skin made Abel grimace.
“I always felt that C-4 was…” Sain, or Fwoosh as she introduced herself to Abel, said softly as she dug another person out. “Fwoosh! You’re free!” She exclaimed as their head was unearthed. The woman coughed and spluttered before crying out in joy.
“That’s the last one.” Mar, currently Zoom, said as she came back from directing the Fire Department.
“Sounds like we should make our exit.” Fwoosh (Sain) said as she stumbled on the way down from the rubble.
“Hey! Wait!” Abel nearly tripped over his lanky legs as he ran over to them. “The Silent Noise-”
“Is already on its way to Rome.” Zoom (Mar) told him. “You already have a free pass when it comes to wandering around the City Closest to God.” She looked at him, her sunglasses making it hard to figure out her real eye color. “Unless you can get us into the Vatican, no questions asked, we’ll have to make our own opening.”
“Zoom, if we wait any longer, we’ll miss our train!” Fwoosh said as she walked over to the unblocked street to hail a cab. “Our luggage is already on board, yes?”
“Yes, I had the hotel service do that for us.”
Abel nearly sweat-dropped. “So you weren’t in a cheap hotel?”
The two looked at each other then at him. “Whatever gave you that idea?” They said in unison, a blank look on both faces. A cab drove up then and the two mysterious girls departed, leaving the worried Priest on his own.
________________________________________
“Um… How exactly are we going to get in there again?” Sain asked as they boarded the train.
Mar winked, one of her few moments of total playfulness. “Don’t you already know?”
Sain blinked, then cocked her head to the side. “Well- Oh, DON’T ANSWER IT!!-”
Mar’s phone rang. She lifted it up to see who was calling before grimacing. “Damned if we do-”
“Our guts all over Rome if we don’t.”
Mar answered, trying to fake a smile. “Hello Moni. How are you?”
There was silence for a moment before ‘Moni’ replied. “Did you see the news?”
“What news?” Mar was already sweating. Sain started talking with Jaz, Jen and Jim about how to kill all the reporters who might have ratted them out.
“Well, apparently, there were these two girls that got off your train and caused all sorts of chaos throughout the city… half the city is gone because of them!
“The most interesting part is that only one person died.” His tone was accusing.
“Wow, that’s very interesting… I’d love to talk more about it, but there appears to be a tunnel-” Sain pulled out a piece of paper she got just for this and crinkled it up to the receiver. “Can’t- Breaking- Gotta-” She hung up before turning to Sain again. “This is why we have the main branch in Albion. They can’t kill us instantly from here.”
“He’ll send Rob~yn…” Sain said in a sing song voice. They both cringed.
________________________________________
Monico Garica, a chubby looking, balding, 50 plus man of Spanish descent frowned as the receiver went dead. The girls were up to something. “They’re supposed to be on vacation.”
A girl of 5’5” stepped in, her blonde hair up in pigtails and her blue eyes slightly magnified by the square-framed glasses she wore. “Shall I go… retrieve them, sir?” The secretary of ‘Got A Hunch’ Investigators’ main branch had folders under one arm.
“Hmm…” The manager leaned back in his chair, placing his feet on his desk. “They’re done causing mischief, right Robyn?”
Robyn Areneau shook her head before handing over the folders. The first one had satellite pictures of Barcelona. Moni wasn’t kidding when he said that half the city was gone. “They’re calling it an act of terrorism.”
Moni cursed. “Do they know that the girls were involved?”
“After their stunt in the Train station, they have targets on their backs. If they hadn’t had disguises on at the time, we’d probably have people already here.”
“Arresting all our asses….” He sighed. If they really were in trouble, the girls would have called. “The Empire Branch doesn’t have this problem…” He closed the first file and pushed it aside before looking at the second. The sight of the Manila paper made him catch his breath. It was old and well used and he had seen it several times in the past. None of them were good.
After a moment of hesitating, he opened it. It was full of laminated hand drawn pictures, the artwork looking like it had been done by a child, which it had. He flipped through them to the one earmarked. He looked at the picture and then turned to the first file, pulling out the picture of Barcelona. The two were identical, but the one drawn had a date: yesterday.
Moni cursed again. “How’d we miss that?!”
“We were working on the Mytiso case. It’s understandable.”
She turned the page in the second file, revealing the next picture. Moni gasped before kissing his Rosary and crossing himself. He looked up at Robyn, suddenly realizing what she was wearing. Usually the slight girl would be wearing her uniform, but today she was in a black tank top, camo cargo pants, combat boots and armed to the teeth.
“Did you raid Ms. Sain’s closet? With the weapons, I mean?”
Robyn shook her head. “These are mine.” She turned and started to walk out the door.
“Wait.” For someone who looked as he did, Moni was amazingly agile. “Can we stop at my place to pick up my stuff? Then we’ll book the first flight to Rome.”

"Happiness is like peeing in your pants..."

-wonders where Pinky's 2 cents are-
Pinky?!

xd "...Everyone else can see it, but only you can feel the warmth."

"What is a Taco Ranger? Click here and find out."

Cool, so the bold statement is from the manga. About the rest though. Your version of the story, written in your own words, recreated; or, written as text from the novel?

Well in either case, it's very well written. You've got me interested enough where I'm going to have to look up where to get the original materials for reading.

If you wouldn't mind, would you cite the entirety of the referenced matarial so that I can see what I can find? ^_-

Mucho TY <3 3nodding

You guys are behind the Fanfiction crew... except now Fanfiction won't let me update, which is ticking me off....
Bold is from the book. I think its the last bold thing.... I don't have the book with me anymore, so until it's sent to me, the chapters will just be from me... >.<
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“You think she knows?” Origa asked ‘Archie’ and ‘Minsy’.

“Lady Caterina is sharp. She probably does.” ‘Archie’ said as they arrived in their suite in the “Palazzio Spada”. She moved around the room, picked out all the bugs (of the listening kind) within and dropped them out the second story window before continuing. “If she thought we were a threat though, she would have had us arrested right then.” She lowered her sunglasses to reveal liquid gray eyes. Mar sat down on the arm of the couch beside ‘Minsy’ (who had flopped on the couch the second the door opened) as she took off her wig. “You shouldn’t have anything to worry about.”

“I have plenty to worry about if what you guys said was true.” Origa said as she moved to the window. She turned back to Mar and Sain when she spoke again. “Why didn’t we tell Lady Caterina were the Silent Noise is back there? Why the subterfuge?”

“Origa, you should know by now that we live for subterfuge.” Sain answered as she played with her braid.

“We were not alone in the Cardinal’s office.” Mar pointed out as she leaned over to grab one of the tea cakes on the table. Sain stole half of what was in her hand before it reached her mouth.

“Then why don’t we just blow it up?”

“They won’t know it was the Silent Noise machine.” Sain informed the Singer.

Mar nodded before going on. “They would have just said that its destruction was an act of terrorism. All of us,” she looked meaningful at Origa then. “And I do mean all of us, would have to lay low for several years after if we did this the quick and dirty way.”

“The Silent Noise is just the tip.” Sain added. “There’s more to this iceberg. Lots more.”

Mar rose again when the cake was gone, stooping to pick up the violin case and the bag beside it on the table.

“Where-?” Origa looked uncertain of where she stood. Should she have denied their request when they asked for her help?

“It won’t be going off now dear… it’ll probably be after your performance.” Sain said as she started to follow Mar out. “We need to make some contacts in the Vatican. It’ll make things in the future run more smoothly.”

“Don’t worry; we won’t let anything bad happen to you.” Mar reminded the Singer as the two girls left.

Origa stared at the shut door for a moment. She was both frightened and excited.

But that was her (and many others, that she was sure) most common reaction when those girls were around.
_______________________________
A young man hid himself within the labyrinth of hedges and plants that was the Vatican’s garden. Though he was nineteen, tears fell freely from his eyes. His confidence was shattered and he wanted nothing more than to disappear from the face of earth. The Gazebo he found himself in was one of his favorite haunts and it shielded him from the searching eyes of those looking for him.

He paused in his crying, the sound of an instrument close by catching his attention. The haunting melody that the violin played floated through Gazebo made him more than a little curious. He had never heard that piece of music before.

As he snuck to look around the corner, he heard a ‘Thunk’ as if something struck something else. The violin suddenly stopped.

“Tempo! TEMPO!!! You have the right notes, now get the timing right! Counts of four! COUNTS OF FOUR!!” Alessandro, the crying boy, peered into the hall that the hedges created. The small girl who spoke wielded a bat in one hand and was pointing at her ‘victim’ with the other. The ‘victim’ was on her knees, head turned down, the violin in one hand and a bow in another.

Suddenly the ‘victim’ rose up to her feet, her arms over her head.

“THE GREAT PANDA HAS BEEN ANGERED!!!” Sain shrieked as she took off to get away from enraged Mar. The path she chose took her right into-

“OAF!”

Alessandro- the three hundred ninety-ninth Pope, Alessandro XVII- stumbled and fell when Sain ran into him. She spun them mid-fall so he was on top before spinning him so he was facing Mar. “Quickly, trusty sidekick, appease the PANDA!”

“WHA?!” Alessandro suddenly saw the tip of the bow between his eyes and he let out a gasp.

“Rawr?” Mar stopped mid-rage. “Oh, um, hello?”

“O-Oh, H-hh-he-hel-” Alessandro had always had a problem with speaking due to his speech impediment. It usually wasn’t so bad, but his self esteem was already shot. He gave up trying to say hello, but the girl kept waiting expectantly.

“Go on.” She spoke softly. If she had said it any other way, he would think that she was making fun of him.

“Ah- h-hh-he-hel-he-hello!” He finally managed to force out of himself. “Who-o- are you?”

Mar smiled at him before offering her hand to lift him up.

“We are the terror of Tyrants!” The girl he ran into danced around him to Mar.

“The revealers of Secrets-” Mar stuck a pose and then began a dance with Sain.

“And the Societies that keep them!”

“Keepers of Justice!”

“The Guardians’ Guardians!”

“Bards of Disaster!”

“Insane torturer-”

Mar stopped in their dance. “Uh, what? We don’t want him afraid of us.”

Sain stared at her for a beat. “Maybe I want him afraid of me. Ever think of that?”

It was Mar’s turn to stare. She said nothing, just looked down on Sain until the smaller girl turned away. “Fine! The Un-insane non-torturers.”

“You just mean the ‘Non-torturers’ bit, because we are a little crazy.”

“Wha!?!” Alessando wondered if he should back away slowly now.

They both turned back to him.

“You’re still here?” They spoke as one.

Alessando blinked and looked down at himself. He was in the ropes that signified his position within the Vatican. Why were they being so informal with him?

“U-uh, yes.”

“Oh good!” Sain said before taking his hands. Alessando’s eyes grew wide and looked down at their joined hands. The emerald fisherman’s ring that sparkled on his bony ring finger symbolized that he was God’s agent on Earth. His gray eyes turned back to her lime green. “We were planning on going outside....” She turned her head to look into the distance.

Mar coughed and Sain’s eyes focused on Alessando’s again. “Wanna come?”

He didn’t know why he answered how he did. At the time he thought it was spurred by his need to disappear. Later he thought it was the God’s will. “Yes.”

"Happiness is like peeing in your pants..."

-is so happy she explodes-
Actually, this is after three people edited it... but my mom still caught things... >.>
I love you mom.... mrgreen

xd "...Everyone else can see it, but only you can feel the warmth."

"What is a Taco Ranger? Click here and find out."

heart Well, first thing's first...

The little bit about 'expertly circumventing the guards'. You should probably flesh that out a little more.
Kind of like ending a story with saying... and the good guys won. Well we can imagine how they might have done it. But it's much better story telling to actually describe the events. For really minor things in past tense, it can be okay. But the sneaking provides an opportunity to add excitement to what is otherwise cute dialogue.
Not a huge deal really, but it presents an opportunity to renew the reader's excitement in the story. Which should be done as often as possible.
Otherwise I did like this. I would still like very much to read something full length or at least like a novella or short story.
smile

heart

heart OMG! Can she kidnap me tooo PPWWEEEEEZZZZ!!! Awww, the other one is pretty cute too smile heart