Welcome to Gaia! ::

Shine a bad light on myself? *shakes head* Far from it. I'm just not one who can do much of anything. I've tried to make by through life and so far, I fail. Nothing really works out in my life the way I want it or tried to make it go. I was told I can be anything I want to be when I grow up. Biggest damn lie you can ever tell to a kid. And yes, it is a lie. I've seen many people fall trying to reach for what they wanted. I fell a few times myself. And this lie is one of my most hated, as it was told to me just like how it was perfectly arlight to be beaten for looking at people or when it rained, or to never speak about it when teachers say how that stuff is called abuse...

If you don't have a job, have parents with good jobs, or have a family that is able to lend/give you money or something, and you're just poor, then you'll always be poor. The whole "you make your future" just doesn't work for everyone. I've tried my hardest most of my life and watched it all fall apart and my time was wasted. School is something I really loath. That could have been time spent on working, drawing, and maybe learning another language in my spare time or something. Trying my best ruined me the most. It helped mold me into the low self esteemed worthless more-often-pessimist dog that I am. I usually don't care or try not to let things bother me, but a few weeks ago I got slammed with something fierce, and this month I'm feeling it again (not on such a heavy level, but on a constant like, 'dread' feeling). This dred has been in pretty much every birthday I've had.

The time I lost was my childhood. Robbed of it and got to live the worse of my life in that time. And it's not something that makes me think to make something out of what I have left... My body is crap, my mind is wearing, I have no skills, people generally don't like me (or just shun me as I don't fall in the rest of society, like, how I question a job why it won't hire me because I lack experience, yet, if I don't get hired ever, then how do I even get it?). I've been reduced to a broken nothing. In more ways then one. Hence why I always say my worht is that of a house pet. Even if the economy didn't suck I doubt I could ever get a job, even an easy job I could do would mean crappy pay so it's not like I could support myself ever.



There y'all go. More backstory on me. Now you guys know a bit more about me. The real me is a lot like an abused dog. Because I was treated as such for 11 years strait. My past doesn't particually bothre me, but just this month and the reminder of me living doesn't help block it out, and that helps make me hate this month so much. Things tend to go really, really wrong in most cases. Last year was rather tame. This year, who knows. Maybe nothing will happen, maybe my leg will fully break or something. The day my life turns around and things actually look up is when something greater in suck will smash it back down for me, and that's how things have gone my whole life.

Ehhhh...... So far, the "getting better" thing is just barely better. Almost normal, but, without the stuff most people have for it to be a better normal. Having a job would help a lot. Not gonna get one any time soon though D= Not like I could get a job that is worth a damn anyways. I hate people, can't work with too many too often (so no, I can't do fast food. I *could* try and cook as it's not like real cooking, but I told them "do not put me on the counter", and they did which ended so damn horribly). I also can't cook or handle money (I'm a slow counter, and know for a fact someone will peg me as the person who "stole money"). My arm is crapping out, my left leg is just over all bad, so far the only job I've really had was a security guard job for a couple years (which wasn't even that big of a job, and I almost didn't get hired because "I was quiet and not so talkitive") but that alone isn't enough to say is experience in anything, not even selling clothes or staking boxes in the back of a store. I failed school (which ruined my life actually, as they lied about giving me my credits, "lost" some others, didn't give me the classes I needed, and in terms of the alternitive school in this town, they refused my credits outright. Not like that mattered anyways, but fifth grade, the schools I were in either showed me the fun thing of racism and being a victem and by mid-seventh and early eight I got to experience teachers who couldn't help me at all.), and with how bad my mind is, I'm too dumb to get a GED. Now, my mom tried to get her GED. She barely passed, and she's smart as hell. They made her try and do calculus and stuff, which I figured they had added to the GED standard, dispite calculus being something so damn useless for normal people =

Seriously. I have nothing going for me. I guess my hobby of drawing (if I can even get back into it at full swing, which I haven't been able to do for almost a year now) and my hair is the only thing good about me. I have no skills, no know-how, no talants, no experience (which I can't get >=U ), and my body is broken down so it's not like I can just go out and pull weeds and clean yards around here. Sometimes I'm amazed at how the universe haddn't let me collapse onto myself with how pathetic I am. I can't do anything to fix my future. I don't have the drive to either, seeing as every time I get my hopes up and try things come up or I just fail.

Heh. When thingsdo get better after they've been bad, either the better has been enough to make things almost normal, or if things get better, then another bad comes imeadiatly after the good, knocking it back down a peg. Nothing has worked in my life as I wanted it and nothing ever will.