|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Posted: Fri Oct 03, 2008 10:06 am
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.
One remarked to the other, 'Windy, isn't it?'
'No,' the second man replied, 'it's Thursday.'
And the third man chimed in, 'So am I - let's have a beer.'
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Oct 12, 2008 7:22 pm
Going with a Halloween theme:
The Bloody Bat
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood
and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began pestering
him about where he got it.
He told them to knock it off and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.
"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of
bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest
full of trees.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around
him.
"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good," said the first bat, "Because I DIDN'T!" blaugh
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Oct 18, 2008 5:44 pm
Ok here are a few silly (ok lol, corny) Halloween Jokes
You will have to highlight under the question for the answers.
What do you call someone who puts poison in a person's corn flakes?
A cereal killer...
What do ghosts add to their morning cereal?
Booberries...
What kind of streets do zombies like the best?
Dead ends...
What does a vampire never order at a restaurant?
A stake sandwich..
What do birds give out on Halloween night?
Tweets...
and.........
What's a vampire's favorite fast food?
A guy with very high blood pressure...
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Oct 20, 2008 2:25 pm
From the Dictionary for Women
Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Oct 25, 2008 8:56 pm
Here is one for the American's around here and for the rest of you to laugh at us for our overspending and having to pay taxes. Is this just an American custom or does the rest of the world pay taxes too? I just figured it was America.
Dear Internal Revenue Service:
Enclosed you will find my 2005 tax return showing that I
owe $3,407.00 in taxes. Please note the attached article
from the USA Today newspaper, dated 12 November, wherein
you will see the Pentagon (Department of Defense) is paying $171.50 per hammer and NASA has paid $600.00 per toilet seat.
I am enclosing four (4) toilet seats (valued @ $2,400) and six
(6) hammers valued @ $1,029), which I secured at Home Depot, bringing my total remittance to $3,429.00.
Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return. You can do this inexpensively by sending them one (1) 1.5 " Phillips Head screw (see aforementioned article from USA Today newspaper detailing how H.U.D. pays $22.00 each for 1.5" Phillips Head Screws). One screw is enclosed for your convenience.
It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.
Sincerely,
A Satisfied Taxpayer rofl
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Oct 27, 2008 11:18 am
Superglue a quarter to the ground in front of a vending machine. Only time-lapse photography could truly show the ingeniousness of such a practical joke, but sticking around for an hour gives you a pretty good idea of how cheap people really are.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Nov 25, 2008 5:12 am
PiercedPixie2 Superglue a quarter to the ground in front of a vending machine. Only time-lapse photography could truly show the ingeniousness of such a practical joke, but sticking around for an hour gives you a pretty good idea of how cheap people really are. I really want to do that now. xd Joke:For decades two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven and approached the statues. "You've been such exemplary statues," the angel announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life. The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly could be heard a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces. "You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them. Grinning widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head!"
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Nov 25, 2008 5:20 am
On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.
One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"
For a moment, there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says.
He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves.
The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers:
"Iron this."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Dec 28, 2008 12:47 pm
Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite.
Q: What goes Ho, Ho, Swoosh, Ho, Ho, Swoosh?
A: Santa caught in a revolving door!
Q: Did you hear that one of Santa's reindeer now works for Proctor and Gambel?
A: Its true . . . Comet cleans sinks!
Q: What's a good holiday tip?
A: Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri Jan 09, 2009 10:39 am
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drive down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wants to concede their position.
As they pass a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asks sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replies, "in-laws."
W O R D S
A husband reads an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replies, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turns to his wife and asks: "What?"
CREATION
A man says to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
" The wife responds:
"Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me.
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says :"...HEBREWS"
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper:
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM."
He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper read:
"It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
God may have created man before woman,
but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Feb 16, 2009 8:08 pm
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He'd rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear busy, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" The man said, "Sure. I've come to install the phone!" blaugh
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Jul 05, 2009 9:18 pm
Here's a riddle:
A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over five minutes. Finally, she hangs him. A few minutes later they go out to have dinner and have a great time. How can this be?
Answer: she took a picture of him and self developed it
rofl
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Reply
