Some Story Where Nel Tries To Kill Albel: The Story
Alright, listen, there are a few things I need to explain to you. Now this is very important because this is backstory and everyone knows all the foreshadowing goes on in the backstory.
Ready? Good.
Let’s see, until a few weeks ago, I had assumed that my father had died after an unfortunate shrimping incident. I was always a bit skeptical as my father always dreamed of being a whaler. But I was young and naive then, so you can’t really blame me.
Then I found out the truth. Nevelle Zelpher really died with honor and stuff like that. Much better than shrimping incident, if you ask me. Plus I got these really nifty daggers and they’re great for cutting vegetables and venison. Cool things, really.
So after the old man died, I decided to follow his path and become a ninja. Well, not really a ninja, but close enough. Now I’m the Crimson Blade of Aquaria and leader of the Secret Legion. All that jazz comes with a ton of respect and fear and mystery. Sadly, I have to share the position of Crimson Blade with Clair Lasbard. And I know for a fact that she has been stealing from my chocolate cache!
I will get her for this.
Oh how I will get her.
She will suffer immensely...
Anyways, all this backstory was leading up to something and here it is. There’s this a*****e over in Airyglyph who pretty much has the same history as me. I found that out during the war and I immediately knew no good would come of it. Opposite sides of the war? Oh, I payed attention in Literature class. Romeo and Juliet, anyone? I knew where our relationship would head.
There really wasn’t any other choice for me but to murder him!
I tried to kill him all the time back during the war. It never really worked because some annoying little task always came up for me to accomplish. I was in Airyglyph, ready to end it once and for all. I was definitely going to kill him! Right as I was about to sneak into the castle, Tynave showed up with some information about some flying metal toaster. Honestly, I think she was drunk. Ought to give her another pay cut. Later, maybe.
But I can’t ignore missions. If I do, I’ll explode. Those runes are not for me to cast runology. I lied about that. No, they’re set to go off if I do something rebellious. Like, BAM! Nel-splosion! It’s all very complicated but I know the rune bomb works.
How do I know?
Because that’s how they got poor, poor Jimmy.
Anyways, I was pissed off. I had to go save these annoying idiots who were obviously not from Greeton or anywhere else for that matter. I tried to drag them to Aquios as fast as I could but Fayt, the pansy, kept having little hissy fits. Very annoying kid. At last we reached Arias and I tried to pawn the morons off to Clair. Clair was a fool to take my chocolate but wasn’t dumb enough to take the two pests.
Lucky for me, a letter showed up going on and on about how Airyglyph had my subordinates, Tynave and Farleen. If the situation had been different, I would have let them rot. Minions are easy to replace anyways. However, the letter gave me the chance to sneak away to Airyglyph and get away from Fayt and Cliff. And it also gave me the chance to assassinate my arch enemy, Albel Nox.
So I went to the Kirlsa Training Facility. That’s a weird name. Kirlsa. Some people misspell it all the time, you know. Anyways, I was sneaking around looking for Albel so I could slit his throat when the two buffoons show up ranting on and on about saving me...
Idiots.
Then there was this chain of events and after Albel laughed at us I had to drag the blonde dead weight back to Arias. Albel threw an apple or something like that at his face. Then I judo chopped Cliff. I’ll just let Cliff assume Albel knocked him out or something.
“Wait, that never happened.”
SHUT UP.
I’ll add you to my list.
“O-okay...sorry!”
That’s right. No one points out my plot holes. Anyways some more boring events occurred. I wasn’t paying attention. Too busy plotting Albel’s death. Somebody said something about copper and I was sent out to go fetch it. So I did.
Beat up Demetrio. Or Schweimer. I can’t remember which one it was. They’re both whiney and kiss Duchess Vox’s a** all the time.
Then he showed up and apparently he had smote Farleen and Tynave. Apris, those two just suck at everything. I was going to kill him on the spot but Fayt and Cliff decided to help out. Albel lost. This was only because I accidently cut a tiny piece of his braid (seriously, not even noticeable) and he freakin’ flipped out.
Then Cliff tripped him.
I will admit, that was sort of funny. And then Fayt clubbed him and we all left. I wanted to sneak back to finish the job but remembered that if I ignored the mission, I would combust.
I ought to learn how to make those runes.
Imagine: Here Albel, would you like to learn runology? Yes? BOOM! Muahahahahaha!
I’ll have to write that down somewhere.
Whatever, I got back to Aquios and snuck off to play guitar. I am almost a ninja after all. Everyone knows ninjas are wicked awesome with a guitar. It was hardcore and, uh, yeah. Fayt popped his head into the room muttering something about lead and immigrants and black dogs and I was forced to beat him violently. What the hell was he going on about? No matter. No one interrupts a ninja (almost) when they’re jamming.
Then some blah-blah and the whatever whatever and King Arzei is saying, “For the love of all that is holy, take Albel with you! I’m tired of him! He’s always stealing clothes from my closet!”
Then we went to Airyglyph and I tried to stab Albel and the annoying pests (there were two blue haired idiots at this point, I think one spawned off the other) said I couldn’t kill him. I would have ignored them but I remembered that damn explosion rune.
I also forgot to mention that I’ll explode if I run over fifty miles per hour.
“Come on Nel, you’re getting this all wrong...”
JUDO-CHOP!
“Ow! My face!”
Now shut up, idiot! I’m almost done.
“Is there a point to this story?”
Of course is! There was a ton of boring crap and all of then sudden we met the Marquis, Hank.
“Wasn’t his name Cros-OW! Stop hitting me!”
His name was Hank! Weren’t you paying attention at the orientation meeting! You freakin’ suck!
“S-sorry...”
We kidnaped the Marquis and forced him to be a flying dragon tank. I nearly succeed in shoving Albel off and sending him to his doom hundreds of feet below us...but they stuck me in a box. On the bright side, I got to shoot stuff. It was swell.
After Fayt had one of his moments...well, I don’t really remember. In fact, most of this stuff is just a blur. I ended up back in my room trying to play three guitars at once.
And I did it, too!
But that b*****d, Albel, snuck off while I was busy. I was so pissed off by that time I didn’t notice what was going on until Cliff poked me and said we were in space.
What the hell?
I never asked to be taken to freakin’ space.
And...some giant fish shot me? Man, how did I miss that s**t?
Everything sucked. The guy I wanted to kill was way far away, I was stuck with idiots, and I didn’t have my guitar with me. I didn’t think it could get worse.
I was wrong.
Because that’s when I met Sophia.
Before she even spoke to me, I knew she was the most annoying creature in existence. I immediately tried to kill her with a chair but the damn thing was bolted to the ground! In fact, everything was fastened down! I reached for my blades but they were gone! Then I remembered how Mirage had tried to throw Cliff out of this “air lock” majiggy, screaming how she wanted him to die so much. How nice, I wake up and the first thing I see is this crazy woman trying to kill Cliff.
We’re very good friends, me and Mirage.
She’s my favorite person out of this godforsaken bunch of morons. I like anyone who tries to off Cliff.
So I dragged Sophia into the hall and shoved her into the air lock. Sadly, her head was so big she wouldn’t fit through the opening. Alas. I left her there and Fayt or somebody eventually saved her.
And we went to the Moon and we threw it at the Mockingbird because everyone knows the only way to kill a Mockingbird is to hit it with the moon. It was right there in ‘How To Kill A Mockingbird’. It was a timeless classic that united the human dignity in us all.
Did I mention I found out where they kept the booze on board this place? Lovely, whiskey, lovely. I got so wasted and I stalked some people. Something like that.
Then we were back on Elicoor. I didn’t even notice because I was so hungover!
I thought maybe I wouldn’t end up being paired with Albel after all. I mean, nothing really interesting had happened between us. I allowed myself a little time to do stuff other than plot his death. I read some books. And then it happened. That’s when I found it.
The Undisputed Ruler of Romantic Novels...
Gone With The Wind.
Dear Apris I knew I was screwed. Rhett and Scarlet...oh sweet freakin’ Apris. By the time I had finished reading it I was rolling on the ground screaming. There was no way in hell I wouldn’t end up with Albel. Our marriage was destined. Anyone who read it would understand how completely screwed I was. It was the ultimate love-hate relationship.
So today I’m going to kill him. I’m going to end it once and for all.
“That was a lovely story, Nel.”
Shut up, Fayt.
“Yes’m.”
I must leave now.
“Why did you tell me all that anyways?”
Because I’m drunk as hell!
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