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 Posted: Sat Nov 04, 2006 3:11 pm
shampoo-suicide The majority of my problems are caused by my own lack of self confidence and therefore cannot be solved. And most of my problems are the typical annoying highschool girl problems that no one cares about. I wish I didn't like boys!! D:
You just like me instead then <33
:hugs:
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Posted: Sat Nov 04, 2006 5:35 pm
shampoo-suicide The majority of my problems are caused by my own lack of self confidence and therefore cannot be solved. And most of my problems are the typical annoying highschool girl problems that no one cares about. I wish I didn't like boys!! D: DX Don't we all. ; n;
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Posted: Sat Nov 04, 2006 6:48 pm
On friday everyone was telling me how I am not a shy person. I may not be but I have such bad paranoia that I fear every word that leaves my mouth and how they are judging me.
I'm not the pretty one out of my friends, or the smart one or even the funny one. I am just there. Nothing about me stands out to make me feel like I matter to my friends.
Like Scott and Paula are the really funny ones. Jason is the weird/pervert one who Erin likes. Erin is the pretty one. Lacey is the bubbly one.
and me. I'm just there. I wish I could even believe that there was something about me that made me really feel like I belong.
Another thing that is really bothering me. Lacey, Erin, Paula, Janet and Scott live on the same street so they hang out randomly alot. Then I hear all the stories about it not even knowing they hung out. That was ALL I hear tonight about the past few weeks when Paula has been here and everything they do at night. I am sick of it.
I live on the other side of town so it's not like I can go over randomly. I can't.
It makes me feel very lonely. So unless there is some reason to go over, I'm not invited because it takes too long to come over.
It really depresses me.
Now Paula is moving in with Scott. See.. his old roommate had her own life so she wasn't around alot. Not Paula. She has known Erin a long time and she has only been in the city a few weeks. So basically she'll be around alot. Everyone loves Paula and it's always about her. It makes me feel lonely.
Plus everyone is trying to hook Erin and Jason up. Trying so very hard. I'm never around for that. I wish I was.
I wish I was around for any of it. Like I really belonged.
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Posted: Sat Nov 04, 2006 8:04 pm
[ Message temporarily off-line ]
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Posted: Sun Nov 05, 2006 6:06 am
I'm not sure about that. I'm very loud sometimes and plain stupid.
I think I act a little tamer online.
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Posted: Wed Nov 08, 2006 5:26 pm
I was talking to Stewart today abotu why I really love Christmas.
It went from that to weddings and funerals. I said I would rather go to a funeral because at least there, my crying would be normal.
I hate the idea of weddings now. I have had 2 weddings planned out since I was 16. Decorations and everything.
But the thing is, I know who I am, that is never going to change and me being who I am, always pushs people away.
So my dream wedding can never happen.
I guess it's really been over the last few months that I have believed that no one will love me enough to make that kind of commitment.
I've hurt too many people and done horrible things to the people who did care about me that they don't care about me that way anymore. It's what I do. It's what I've always done.
I want someone to love me and tell me that. I want to feel like I'm a good person again, I havn't felt that way in so long. I know people say you shouldn't need someone else to make you feel better about yourself but I do need that. I have NO esteem. I have very little faith in people and lost faith in the world when I was 10(long story)
I want to believe that I am a good person, I want to so bad. But in my heart, I know right now the ONE person i want to hear it from and he will never tell me that.
It's stupid to say I need him but I do. Every day I want him to know that I love him because he was the one person who could make me feel better about myself. He never puts me down and I hurt him so badly.
I think I'm done rambling. Just needed a place to get it out since I can't afford therapy and I am sick of holding everything in. I'm sick of the way I see myself every day. I'm just sick of all this hurt.
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Posted: Sat Nov 18, 2006 8:13 pm
I am just venting again.
I need some place to get it out before I explode.
In August, I told Stewart that I had been lying to him for months. He was really hurt. Even now, I'm not sure he is over it. I never meant to hurt him and I have no idea why I lied.
Thing is, since this lie came out, he can't care about me anymore the way he did. He doesn't see me the same way and it's been so long since he has said he cares about me, that he likes me, that I mean something to him. It's killing me inside. I feel like every time I think about it, I'm going to fall apart.
In september, he wrote me this poem which sits in my wallet and I try to read every time I can because it keeps me some hope that one day he may care about me again. I miss him telling me I'm beautiful, that I am wonderful.
I need that kind of attention because I have no faith in myself and who I am. I had been missing it for months and he walked into my life and I felt like maybe someone could care again. I ruined that. I wish for so much. Mostly I wish he knew just how sorry I am and how much I miss our friendship. I miss goofing around with him, I just plain miss him. We havn't been us in such a long time, I sometimes forget what it's like.
Everything is running through my mind lately and I am constantly tearing up when I think about him. I cry all the time because I miss him so much.
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Posted: Sun Nov 26, 2006 7:05 pm
I'm no good with expressing my feelings because I don't want people to be able to see through the window into me. It's always been a problem and some people wonder about me... which I can't really blame then. I'm not good with voicing things, but I can write them out... and this is one of those times I just feel like opening up.
There really isn't anybody out there that I can truly open up to completely. Not my family, never my family, but not even to my true best friend, though she knows more about me than anybody else. This will probably end up being long since I feel the need to get it out, weird mood you know? But yeah. Sometimes I long for a friend that I can sit down with and just talk to about anything and everything... I know I could with my friend, but I don't want her to be disappointed in me. What I can't tell her I can tell my other best friend, and what I can't tell him I tell her. It's rather complicated. Anywho, think of this as a slight confession that I can't really say out loud. My family knows, most my friends know, blahblahblah. Anyways. I use to do drugs, nothing extreme, marijuana, pills, drank a lot, smoked, and even cut myself, which I regret fully... I was caught by the police too when I was 16, and the cuts only made them think I was in some sort of a cult. It didn't end up good after that.
The arrest opened my eyes a bit and I buckled down and started to take school more seriously, and now I aim to be a doctor, and hopefully will reach my goal.
A couple of months ago I finally quit smoking, there is nothing good about it. I still drink, yeah, but not as much as I did... at all. And never again would I even think of cutting myself. I was never suicidal, I just had this "Pain on the outside will help with the pain on the inside" stuck in my head, which was foolish, though I think it was my mom’s “Life sucks and then you die, so why not get it over with” statement that put it there; but I won’t put the full blame on her. That’s rude.
I had a somewhat happy childhood... I believe, though when asked what I remember from when I was a kid, more bad memories come then good. Because of it I'm much closer to my dad. My mom would take things out on me, which she even admitted, and would verbally abuse me when she got drunk, but only once hit me, which pissed my dad, and she hasn't touched me again in a violent way. Now it's like she leans more towards my brother. He has gotten into so much s**t, but nothing is ever really done about it. I can't tell you how many probations he has been on or tickets he has had within the year he got his license, but he still has a motorcycle, truck, new games, computer, and money. Oh well... whatever.
Enough about my childhood though.
I tend to zone out... a lot, and I think that's because I want to get away from reality. Sometimes I just wish I could make up my own fantasy world and live there instead of here, and when I realize I can't, I can't tell you how depressed it makes me feel. I don't like this country, and plan on moving out unless something is changed... and when I think of the other places I can go, it makes it seem this world is extremely small. I can't explain the way I feel right now... The feeling will be gone tomorrow and I'll only feel foolish for posting this and might even delete before someone else reads it, if anyone read it in the first place, though I could care less. I don't need responses or anything said to me, I just need to get it out before it bottles up, which never turns out good for whoever pisses me off, lawl~
Oh well. I don’t know if the reason I wrote this was to make myself feel less fake, or what. No matter though, it makes me feel slightly better that the truth is out there, if only for a little bit. I think that’s all now though…. Um. Yep.
I should probably study now. :3
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Posted: Sun Nov 26, 2006 7:18 pm
I can understand some of that. I am the same way with Randy and Stewart although Randy is my best friend. I still tell Stewart things that I can no longer tell him.
I'm glad you quit smoking and everything because it does no good and only messes up your life and the people who love you. So I'm glad you not have goals and dreams.
I completely understand the fanstasy world thing and I swear I live in mine more often than not. I need the escape alot of the time.
Not sure what else to say, PM me anytime if you want.
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Posted: Sat Dec 02, 2006 11:29 pm
lol I feel ******** lame.
Getting cold and depressed. I'm starting to lose it in school, just not so interested anymore but I'm still working on it though I know I'll have to retake a class or two, oh well.
Don't really feel like calling friends or going out either... or get on the computer... instead just sleep all day but that's not healthy. emo
Poopie.
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Posted: Sun Dec 03, 2006 9:48 am
Secret Lullaby lol I feel ******** lame.
Getting cold and depressed. I'm starting to lose it in school, just not so interested anymore but I'm still working on it though I know I'll have to retake a class or two, oh well.
Don't really feel like calling friends or going out either... or get on the computer... instead just sleep all day but that's not healthy. emo
Poopie. Believe me, you're not the only one. I was getting pretty depressed the other day. I went to Life Issues and just wrote down what I was feeling, what was going on in my thoughts and stuff like that. It actually helped. If you want, I'll post it in here for you to read. Just talking about it to complete strangers helps most of the time. sweatdrop heart
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Posted: Tue Dec 05, 2006 6:52 pm
Simple and sweet.
Love my ex.
He's a t**t.
And he's now going out with my best friend that i like and she liked me back, or did, idk now.
]:
And i basically have no confidence and i'm a push over, so i keep getting used.
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Posted: Sun Dec 17, 2006 4:27 am
ugh uugh ugh~ this sucks, i feel so sick.
on friday, i went to this coffee house where you can smoke upstairs after our last day at college cus we finished at one. shaun, laura, emily and i talked for about four hours or more about really interesting/funny/serious stuff, it was rly good fun but by the end of it i was like, 'do i like shaun?', but i think that's just because he's a boy and he talked to me. lawl. but he's GINGER~. not that there's anything wrong with that but i know he's single and if anything happened between us, acccidental or otherwise, people would tease me alot. ; m;
then, when i got home from band practise last night, moz PM'd me saying he wanted to see me before he went home for xmas. but i lied and said i was going out all of tomo, which was true; but not exactly to a birthday party as such, i just didnt rly wanna see him. =/ went to see shaun's band play at south, then went to the fox and got quite drunk. D: i'm a lightweight, 3 pints and i was wavering about everywhere. but in my defense i haven't really eaten for 2 days so understandably i was drunk sooooon. then i saw my old old bf, shaun (shall call him 'shaun b' for distinction) b, and he came over, saw i was slowley getting intoxicated and started talking to me. it was rly fun seeing/talking to him again, though he kept teasin me and i was like 'whut~' cus i couldn't see straight.
then my friend rhia pulled me up at the bar and danny, emily, rhia and i did shots. i was wasted by the end, but i'm a quiet drunk so i wasn't shouting, just wobbling. but my friends took wonderful care of me, so that was fine. however danny (who is ALSO ginger, wtf) was like holding my hand and had his arm around me and stuff, for some odd reason i was quite happily letting him do it. wierddd. and i must've smoked about 20 cigarettes but everyone kept whistling at me in the pub ; m; anyway. at the end of the night i decided to go home instead of to my friend's house, and danny kissed me on the cheek as i got off the bus. and i kissed his cheek back, i wasn't drunk enough for makeouts D: and then he kissed me quickly on the mouth. o_o and then a bit more. and my friends had to drag me of the bus because our stop had come. x_x i suck. and i haven't text jamie (supposedly my bf) in about a week now, dunno what to do. if i have a party on my 19th i'm gonna get raped. D:
i dunno why i let myself to this, i keep telling myself that i'm not yet in a relationship with jamie again, so i don't strictly have to be monogamous. as for moz, i just don't think of him anymore. i know that sounds horrid, but he just...isn't. and i keep thinking about ginger shaun as well, how awful is that. i'd like to see him again, he was so happy that i went to his gig and he hugged me and then saluted me from onstage. and like, i enjoy this. does that make me a terrible person? i dunno, i've been so quiet on the boy front and only started drinking properly a few years ago so all this is still sort of new to me.
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Posted: Thu Dec 21, 2006 7:49 pm
Everytime I have to leave, Lina, I get sad...Even if we have talked the whole day through. emo
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dfsdfgr563453sddghuj5y3sa
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Posted: Wed Dec 27, 2006 1:32 pm
Pintendo64 ugh uugh ugh~ this sucks, i feel so sick.
on friday, i went to this coffee house where you can smoke upstairs after our last day at college cus we finished at one. shaun, laura, emily and i talked for about four hours or more about really interesting/funny/serious stuff, it was rly good fun but by the end of it i was like, 'do i like shaun?', but i think that's just because he's a boy and he talked to me. lawl. but he's GINGER~. not that there's anything wrong with that but i know he's single and if anything happened between us, acccidental or otherwise, people would tease me alot. ; m;
then, when i got home from band practise last night, moz PM'd me saying he wanted to see me before he went home for xmas. but i lied and said i was going out all of tomo, which was true; but not exactly to a birthday party as such, i just didnt rly wanna see him. =/ went to see shaun's band play at south, then went to the fox and got quite drunk. D: i'm a lightweight, 3 pints and i was wavering about everywhere. but in my defense i haven't really eaten for 2 days so understandably i was drunk sooooon. then i saw my old old bf, shaun (shall call him 'shaun b' for distinction) b, and he came over, saw i was slowley getting intoxicated and started talking to me. it was rly fun seeing/talking to him again, though he kept teasin me and i was like 'whut~' cus i couldn't see straight.
then my friend rhia pulled me up at the bar and danny, emily, rhia and i did shots. i was wasted by the end, but i'm a quiet drunk so i wasn't shouting, just wobbling. but my friends took wonderful care of me, so that was fine. however danny (who is ALSO ginger, wtf) was like holding my hand and had his arm around me and stuff, for some odd reason i was quite happily letting him do it. wierddd. and i must've smoked about 20 cigarettes but everyone kept whistling at me in the pub ; m; anyway. at the end of the night i decided to go home instead of to my friend's house, and danny kissed me on the cheek as i got off the bus. and i kissed his cheek back, i wasn't drunk enough for makeouts D: and then he kissed me quickly on the mouth. o_o and then a bit more. and my friends had to drag me of the bus because our stop had come. x_x i suck. and i haven't text jamie (supposedly my bf) in about a week now, dunno what to do. if i have a party on my 19th i'm gonna get raped. D:
i dunno why i let myself to this, i keep telling myself that i'm not yet in a relationship with jamie again, so i don't strictly have to be monogamous. as for moz, i just don't think of him anymore. i know that sounds horrid, but he just...isn't. and i keep thinking about ginger shaun as well, how awful is that. i'd like to see him again, he was so happy that i went to his gig and he hugged me and then saluted me from onstage. and like, i enjoy this. does that make me a terrible person? i dunno, i've been so quiet on the boy front and only started drinking properly a few years ago so all this is still sort of new to me.
Um.
yah.
ur in a dilly of a pikl fer sur ; n;
basikly, stop drinking?
Or...
Anyway, why have you ditched Moz?
I think I missed something here. D:
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