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There was a time when Jared wasn't an old man? smile

Can I hear about the Half-Cute-Vampire-Kitty-Nazi, Uncle Astral? heart

... Well, it was kind-of embarrassing. See, I was in southern Europe, eating pasta and stuff in Venice, and we were having a dry spell... Of course, I regenerate in rain, so this whole thing wouldn't have come up otherwise... But I um... Well, to be quite honest, I stubbed my toe. ... Okay, less stubbed, and more "got it ran over by a wagon."

It was at that exact point, that a Half-Cute-Vampire-Kitty-Nazi arrived, and decided to go on a killing spree. So the Mayor of the town all wanders up to me and says, "Mr. Samurai sir, could you help us out? You know, what with you being the Greatest Monster Slayer ever to walk the Earth." And I'm all like, "Sure man."

But since I can't walk on my left leg... I'm sure you can imagine that fight largely involved the Half-Cute-Vampire-Kitty-Nazi rubbing her rump in my face while I shook my fist obscenely and tried to kill her. I was unsuccessful. So I say to the Mayor, "Clearly, the problem here, is that I didn't have a sword strong enough to dispatch this new breed of Monster." And so all the townsfolk are like, "Oh, well good news: There's this temple thing in the Alps where they keep this ancient weapon!" So I had the Blacksmith create me the world's largest (And first!) Hamster Ball, and began to make my way toward the Alps. I rolled over all opposition (No pun intended) and finally reached this huge stone sword, on a pedestal, right as my leg finished healing.

So I'm all picking up this sword, right? And it reads in Latin, "Hesoever picks up this blade, and can wield it, has no further use for arms." And I'm like, "Awweeeeesome" and I pick it up.

Now, let me assure you, this was not a light weapon. In fact, I bore it on my back in much the same way Atlas bears the world. So I go back to town, and I'm like, "Okay you scumsucking kitty-b***h!" And she's like, "OH NOES!" And I'm all getting ready to fight her. She comes at me, right? Her claws are all bared and she's hissing and junk, and I swing.

Or rather... Try and swing. Bear in mind, this is not a light weapon. In fact, it's really very heavy. So um... I less swung, and more dropped the sword and got my face all scratched up before she ran away. I guess I was pretty damn terrifying with my face covered in my scratches that wouldn't bleed.

So I chase after her, through the vast forests of the North, getting waylaid by other monsters, becoming increasingly frustrated at my inability to murder them with a giant stone weapon... Finally, I catch up with her, and there's a big crowd of people and they're all like, "Quit giving God the finger! He'll help you!" and I'm like, "Yeah, screw God, he buried me in the earth for a thousand years." And so the Kitty-Nazi-b***h-Thing and I go at it again, and finally I swing the bloody sword. Proving, once and for all that I am the mightiest warrior in the world.

... Nevermind the fact that I missed. And nevermind that the sword shattered when it hit the ground. The fact of the matter is, I swung the bloody thing.

Then I proceeded to liberate the Kitty-thing's lower jaw from the rest of her head, while shattering almost every bone in her body with my bare hands before feeding her the majority of her internal organs. 3nodding

eek heart *claps* Yay! What a wonderful story! whee heart

Well thank you. sweatdrop

3nodding heart