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 Posted: Wed Aug 13, 2008 2:46 am
... Dammit. DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT.
Kanda wasn't the only one who could've used one of those little dolls to alleviate his frustration, as Yossarian, too, found himself inwardly cursing the fact that she'd magically regained just enough strength to not only recognize his 'mood' (which he'd been chalking off as NEEDLESS AND IRRELEVANT until then), but needle him for it with horrifically awkward questions.
"Oh, if only he could've used the same excuse twice and shoved another piece of fruit at her to change the subject, but alas, all of the rest and water had made her stubbornly adamant all over again.
"... I'm fine." Yes, that was about as blunt as any response could get with him, heaving a plainly EXASPERATED sigh and finishing up any last trim-work to be had with the final apple pieces to give her when she was re-- ... er, later. Because the subject was diverting towards other things, pausing before he added on to the previous statement.
"And no, that's actually... very doubtful," he informed her, giving her a look that just SCREAMED We Both Know You're Bluffing So Just Stop The Idiotic Farce. "Until you're able to sit up and use those deadened limbs properly, you have no method of proper survival without assistance... So." Deeeeep breath, exhale. "Choose. Chicken soup or oatmeal."
... He really wasn't using a strategy of any sort-- so then why was the game dragging out so many turns?
It seemed that Shae's uncanny mastery of strategic thinking was a thing of the past... as was logic in general, fumbling with the pieces and physically wincing when he finally spoke up, knowing in the pit of her stomach that she was still failing despite that... encouragement... and it only made her feel sicker.
"... I think..." --I've lost-- "You might've won, Sir..." she finally forced out as levelly as possible... which didn't turn out level at all, and the attempt at a smile (where had her acting skills gone?...) broke apart so fast that she almost let a tear slip. Almost.
She thought she'd gotten all of those out hours ago. Her eyes HURT from them. Why were they still nagging her now?
"...... I... I'm sorry."
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Posted: Wed Aug 13, 2008 10:29 am
He continued to look past her state of being, simply focusing on the board as they played (him quite pointlessly, simply picking a piece and moving it however he thought fit for the ongoing round of the game).
So when she made comment to imply that she had lost to him with such a shoddy strategy (or lack of) on his part, he played his next piece -MUCH- more forcefully than he probably should have.
"When at war, if one side simply 'wins' due to the other not wishing to continue, the winning king may simply decide to wipe the other side clean of their pieces anyways."
He didn't sound -pissed-, but there was some obvious unhappiness in his voice as he refolded his arm, before continuing.
"And conceeding to a defeat that may or may not have been pointless simply insults the sacrifice of the pawns."
His sigh caused her to frown. But the pained look of it -must- have been because of her condition, right? Yes, that had to be it.
Not because she felt like he was lying through his teeth to her. Nope.
But she didn't exactly put up more fight than that, wincing under the look he gave her for having entertained the idea that she could simply take care of herself for the time being, which even though she -knew- she couldn't she couldn't help but feel like he needed to get away from her.
Not to say she didn't want him to stay.
"Neither." she sighed lightly for an answer to her given two options, eyes half open. Maybe she'd go back to sleep. She'd been good for however long it was, ingesting some good solids and not wincing every four seconds as she'd been doing earlier.
Though she wanted to.
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Posted: Wed Aug 13, 2008 11:54 am
... And again with the cringe and wince reflex, shrinking back a little from the board like a puppy who'd just been threatened with Master's rolled morning newspaper and hesitating to choose the next piece.
Her hand hovered briefly over the knight, the the queen, and finally settled on... a pawn. Not even moving it at first, just grasping the neck of the little piece and staring over the rest of the board. Just one option of moving it forward and yet...
She couldn't.
"... A-And perhaps the latter party giving concession understands that." Her voice was worse than her fingers with the shaking. "But... the player is the one to take responsibility for their own strategic faults... in failing those unrightfully sacrificed." A pause, forcing the little piece to move, and withdrawing.
".......... I-I'm a murderer."
And there it was-- the confession of so much guilt in the little words.
Dammit, was he going to have to press the topic all over again? Exhausted or not, it was essential that ANY sick body get at least a minimum of food in their system-- and one little apple was not nearly enough for Yossarian to feel 'comfortable' on the matter.
Not that he felt comfortable on ANY of the the matters being discussed right then, but food seemed like the mot benign topic to focus on.
Shame it couldn't distract him from the real nagging issue for more than a minute or two.
"... Failing to eat properly will only lead to being roused again in the very near future," he pointed, but then took a brief pause, as if trying to word it in a slightly less... er, 'threatening' way (invalids weren't to be threatened no matter how frustrated the nurse happened to get). "Proper nutrition will allow you to heal much faster... and..."
DEEEEP sigh. Oh he'd regret saying this BUT.
"... I don't... mind the service."
God, it felt like he'd just confessed something horrible right there.
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Posted: Wed Aug 13, 2008 12:33 pm
Kanda heaved a -deep- sigh at Shae's cofession. Was that -it-? Was that -seriously- it? All there was to all of this trauma?
"You killed a man who murdered four women, I heard the story." he stated flatly, not exactly throwing himself into getting around to his next move, finally looking up from the board to look at Shae.
Dammit, she didn't have any of that even -hidden- confidence he was so used to seeing. It was as though her own attempts to move over the board were even less thought out than his own, or even as though she was using the game as a vent to punish herself.
"However, the act of killing does not make one a murderer. You held no intent.........."
He paused, seeming to mull over his next statement, before punctuating the beginning of the new though with a very light sigh.
"A murderer is one who has killed others with the first intent to benefit from it, not to protect something."
Guilty as charged.
A deep breath... and then she started to cry. Not full blown sobbing like she normally did, but just a few weak tears that escaped. God, she must have looked so pathetic.
"I was afraid.... yesterday I was so sure that when this was all over you were going to leave.
But.....
If you want to... you can. I don't want you to stay with me if you grow to detest it."
However, the tears stopped after the initial few, after which she turned her head to look away from him. Dammit, why was she picking -now- to ramble?
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Posted: Wed Aug 13, 2008 1:12 pm
... All of it? Oh, who could even begin to guess, really. The depth of extent of the girl's suppressed anxieties were always hard to gauge, given her frightening talent for holding it in. Maybe this wasn't even the 'start' of the mental collapse, or... maybe it was everything.
She felt him looking at her. Yes, finally at her and now at the game-- and it made her feel sick. She wanted to curl up in a little invisible ball and self-destruct quietly, but... that wasn't going to be possible with a witness.
And oh, was he about to get more than he'd (probably) bargained for.
"... I wasn't protecting anything."
Her voice had gone... completely flat all of a sudden, arms curled around her knees and eyes half-shut, staring blankly at her knees.
"It was selfish," she continued in the same odd tone, "... A poorly conceived, clumsy act of... wanting to save my own worthless skin-- not the only time, either; I've taken at least two lives in the past three weeks now with my bare hands, stolen knives, pieces of glass. I thought that I was trying to save Ma'am at first, but................"
Oh god no no no she wasn't going to cry. She refused to cry. She was level, she was sane, she was.... absolutely losing her damn mind and failing apart. And now the dead tone too.
"T-They were... They were somebody's sons... maybe they even had siblings... or children... A-And Ma'am... s-she was never supposed to... This wasn't meant to... I-It should have been..."
... Dammit.
Really, why did this woman always turn a harmless circumstance into some big, messy pot of emotional boil-over?! Not even the harlot was so prone to frustrating him (if only he could see her now, HA), and yet Aster... Aster just seemed to have a TALENT for it.
She was crying and he honestly didn't know how to respond to it, trying and failing to restrain his frown from spreading any further as he debated. Really... why couldn't the conversation have stayed on food? Why did she have to INSIST on digging up what he'd made an EFFORT to bury until further notice?
He needed to keep tabs on his sighing. God he felt like he did it twice a minute now. Oh, and groaning. He was getting up there with that one too.
"... You're infuriating to the extreme," he stated quite bluntly, although... there was a certain lack of malice to his tone, and, even more strangely... he followed it up by leaning back against the pillows a bit, rather than getting up, or even fussing further over the food.
"However," and now he followed up with another point, giving her a sideward look. "... I still have a duty to fulfill here, and... will remain until I feel it accomplished."
He wouldn't specify just what that 'duty' was, maybe even to himself, but... it was reassurance none the less, somehow.
He was trying.
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Posted: Wed Aug 13, 2008 1:52 pm
"Should have been you? You can justify to yourself giving up your life, but not trying to keep it?"
He -severely- disapproved of her logic, but he did at least keep the self control to -not- slam down his next move, taking his time to consider the pieces on the board before ultimately moving the knight.
"Do you put such a small worth on what it is you're trying to keep? Are you putting such small worth on the fact that -she- took up such a burden?" He didn't exactly come out as sounding disappointed, but.... dammit, he hadn't come in here to give her a lecture about her sulking.
His aim had been to make sure she hadn't self-destructed and to try and maybe HELP the situation to a better resolution .....
instead of what he was doing, which was slamming down chess pieces and making less-than-pleasant comments and analogies.
"Would his escape and further murder of possibly -more- young women have made you feel any better?"
The 'You make me mad' comment was something she'd been expecting, laughing lightly and mumbling a 'Go figure' in response to it, but that fact not being enough to detract from her attempt to grab onto his hand when he settled down next to her.
"Well as long as you don't just vanish." she replied with a light sigh, turning her body to rest on her side (and hiss again), "That'd hurt my heart too much if you did."
Then she paused, seeming to try and recall what it was she'd just said. It seemed like she -knew- what she said, but at the same time wasn't sure if she'd said EXACTLY that.
Which was both conflicting but made perfect sense.
"And Chicken soup is best served warm, so it'd be better I try to eat that first..."
Yes yes, now that she wasn't feeling utterly lame and in the mood for a mental breakdown, it was time for another round of being the good compliant patient.
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Posted: Wed Aug 13, 2008 2:53 pm
"I..." Oh, god, how horrible it felt to be battling that sort of logic, already perfectly aware that she didn't have a leg to stand on. Of course a part of her had already realized her faulty reasoning long ago, but... to be reminded of that fact, and to suddenly be faced with the absolutely unfathomable option of challenging him, she just... no. No, she couldn't. She wouldn't. That was a step too far.
"... I-In my logical brain... I know that letting him escape would've only resulted i-in more fatalities, but..." Oh, if only she was capable of drawing up in a tighter ball. This position gave her no security whatsoever.
Click. She sniffed a bit and took his knight with a bishop, trying and failing to swallow any more threatening hysterics. "I just..." Again with a hard swallow, forcing one of those 'calming breaths'. "... I was the one who started everything... I-I never wanted for Ma'am to be put in danger or... to take anyone's life..."
Well, if nothing else, at least she seemed to be trying to agree with him-- if only because of that feeble reflex of following commands.
And then another move, staring at her toes again in that lame, Too Guilty For Eye Contact sort of way as she slid the queen to a new space.
"... Check, S-Sir..."
If her side still hurt so damned badly (which it obviously DID) then she should have refrained from stayed off of it, but... alas, mixing Aster with logic was like putting oil and water together... which just flat didn't work.
".... If that's your decision," was all he commented, deciding to let sleeping dogs lie and pass over that last comment, which he'd already answered in his previous speech (... for what he could), and leaned over to pick up the soup bowl for... oh, joy, this would probably turn into a literal spoon feeding now, but he'd more or less expected that already.
Yes, back to the safe subjects of food and nursing and aimlessly benign exchanges.
That was so much easier. "... Ready, then?"
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Posted: Wed Aug 13, 2008 3:12 pm
"She could have walked away from it." Kanda replied to Shae's comment about having put Asteria in danger, not flinching (or making much of a face, really) as his knight was whisked away from the board, as well as a warning of 'check', bringing Kanda to glance over the board.
A move of the Queen solved that well enough.
"As well, if it makes you feel so horrible, wouldn't it serve you better to find those you have wronged and find a way to make it up to them?"
Surely Shae didn't think that sulking about as she was would -fix- anything as it was currently... -did- she?
Another move, then another sigh. At least he'd given her a sufficient distraction in the form of a -very- badly (on his part) played game of some semblance of familiarity to her.
other than that, Kanda was overall failing at his attempted task.
And now it was back to being a tad babied. Well, not a tad, but -VERY- babied. It wasn't too bad, though.
"Mmmm, it's not like I have anything else to do." she replied, trying to sound as light-hearted as possible, but wincing internally. That had -totally- sounded sarcastic, hadn't it?
Oh it had, dammit. Keep conversation on a better note without possibly offending anybody FAIL.
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Posted: Wed Aug 13, 2008 7:14 pm
... He was right. He was right he was right he was right and she absolutely couldn't bring herself to try and challenge him.
Shae paused again, fingers hovering from piece to piece as she appeared to contemplate her next move. This was... the closest to comfort that she had in life, pathetic as it was, and yet still the ritual of the 'game' was barely enough to keep her in one piece: a minimal distraction at best that could only drag on for so long, and when it ended...
She could have said something in rebuttal to his point about Aster, something along the lines of 'Ma'am is the type of person who will go to self-destructive lengths for the sake of pleasing others' or 'she felt as if there was no other choice', but... no, the latter female held her tongue.
She was also fully aware that sulking was useless, but at the same time, had honestly felt helpless to do more. Or powerless, rather.
She moved her second bishop, down went the queen.
Check Mate?
"... Sir, I... forfeit. The game is yours."
While Yossarian would have normally taken her (accidental) sarcasm for what it was, the man's caustic bitterness, it seemed, had worn off hours ago... and he just shrugged it off with a sort of exasperated little eye-roll.
"Well, that's rather obvious at the moment." Yep, just a bit of sarcasm right back at her, though it lacked any real bite, trying to keep the majority of his focus on not looking so INCREDIBLY awkward as he fished a spoon around in the soup bowl (nothing but noodles and bits of chicken in there, really, since the cooks had made a point of keeping it 'tame') and... attempted not to just SHOVE it in her mouth or spill the damned thing down her front.
God, he really was like a mother feeding a sick kid. A really YOUNG sick kid-- who probably should've been wearing a bib or something. Oh well... at least the idiot was still alive, so he wasn't about to complain.
"You'll need to rest again once this is finished," he added as if to be conversational (... sort of, god the awkward), and fished for another spoonful, managing to keep MOST of the frown off his face (since she seemed too damned sensitive to how he LOOKED and all too). "With the severity of the injury, you're going to be bedridden for at least a week."
And probably TWO, but he wouldn't go that far, if only to keep her complaints... tame, for now.
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Posted: Wed Aug 13, 2008 7:42 pm
He -knew- he was right too. Not to say he had one of those 'I'm right, your wrong' superiority complexes... but he simply knew when he was making a rather irrefutable point.
Which, in this case, he was.
However, instead of throwing a fit over having had the game simply handed over to him or demanding she keep playing as he -had- lost to her (there went her 'perfect game' record with thie forfeit), he folded his arms and seemed to think of something to say for a moment.
Until it seemed he'd ultimately found a way to 'deal' with this unwanted victory.
"As in war, the victor chooses punishment for the loser." he finally seemed to decide out loud as he rose from his seat, seeming quite ready to go somewhere.... which it seemed was his actual plan.
"And I say you go see her. You don't have to talk to her, you don't have to apologize. SEE her, then decide if it this is worth it."
Achoo!
Whiiiiiiiiine.
Asteria sniffled miserably, but did well to not sink back into the pillows (or, as it would have been referred to in 'simple' terms, her 'Wilting' action), simply paused instead to wait and see if another sneeze would come. Which it didn't.
When Yoss spoke, she found herself looking down towards the sore spot on her side, making no comment about it until she'd been subjected to a couple more spoonfuls of the soup (which, in the state she was in, was -WONDERFUL- to her. It was, to say, 'Normal' food).
Then she sighed lightly.
"Is it really that bad?" she asked, expression puzzled. She really couldn't remember bleeding all over. It was her mind, blocking out how her innards had -tried- to come out.
And only partially succeeded.
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Posted: Wed Aug 13, 2008 8:36 pm
"Y.... Yes Sir..."
And suddenly she regretted everything.
Really, why had he gone and used her own weakness as leverage against her? All she'd wanted to do was quietly forfeit the game and sidle off somewhere to cower from the rest of the world (again), not have her hand forced into seeing the awful atrocities she'd brought upon others!
Oh, why did she have to be so... submissive and obedient and spineless. Why didn't she have the gall to go against him. It wasn't fair.
She didn't say a thing as she got up, though her posture alone was easy enough to read, shrunken and shaky, with ears back, tail hanging like a coward, and staring sullenly at the floor as she forced herself toward the door. The chess board would be picked up later, but... for now, it'd stay behind to keep the ghosts and drop cloths company.
Oh she didn't want to do this-- she didn't want to be visible to anyone in the hall where the cleaner maids could stare at her or the old couple might somehow suddenly pass by and stop to make a comment. The walk itself felt almost like it'd be worse than viewing the b-- ... no, Aster wasn't a body. She was still alive, right? She'd heard Yossarian shuffling about tending to her...
Speak of the devil, Yossarian actually WINCED at the sneeze, secretly hoping and praying that the woman hadn't contracted some virus during the night. God only knew he didn't need her dying now because of the common cold-- but thankfully there were no other signs of anything amiss after that, so he chalked it up to dust and put it out of his mind.
Sort of.
And damn, again with the hard questions.
It wasn't an emotionally messy circumstance this time, but rather a somewhat... physically messy one, having the misfortune of an instant flashback and fighting NOT to cringe.
The sight of blood shouldn't have affected him like that. It never had before, but... urgh, sick feeling in the stomach. Choke it down. The past was the past.
"It was... deep." He chose his words carefully, figuring that trying to scare her was utterly pointless-- and damn, that reminded him of another little problem, too. One named Sophie. "There was... a significant amount of blood loss and damage, so... I would... consider such a thing 'bad', if you must label it. Open."
Yep, he was shoving another spoonful of soup at her. She was going to keep eating while they were talking, because god only knew when she'd lapse out on him again.
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Posted: Wed Aug 13, 2008 9:36 pm
He -knew- she didn't want to, that's why he had forced it, waiting for Shae to take something resembling a 'lead' before following along after her. It wasn't that he was expecting her to run from his given 'task'....
But he just didn't want her to suddenly break down (he'd never seen it, but she didn't exactly seem to be in the best of moods that day) and then never be found again.
Kanda even wanted to place a hand on her shoulder or something equally sentimental, but he really couldn't find the ability to do such a thing.
Shae's posture just screamed 'WANNA BE ALONE, WANNA BE ALONE'.
"Aaaaaahhhmm."
Yep, she -had- to exaggerate the childish sound-effect, seeming to have amused herself with it by giggling madly following it, before the pain in her side went "UM'SCUSEMETHATHURTS".
That silenced her well enough, putting her back into her quiet compliance for a couple more of the offerred spoonfulls of soup. Ugh, she felt so -UTTERLY pathetic. But it wasn't like he hadn't been pathetic likewise a while back.
Not as -bad- as she was, but then again she hadn't been as good of a 'nurse' as he was being either. It almost felt unfair.
"Yoss........ did it.... did -I- scare you..? I mean when I ...." she crinkled her face a bit, "just stopped?"
Ugh, that made it sound like she'd died.
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Posted: Wed Aug 13, 2008 10:43 pm
... It was actually less of a 'WANNA BE ALONE' and more of a 'WANNA HIDE FROM THE REST OF THE WORLD IN SHAME' posture, truthfully... but no doubt the difference was hard to distinguish for anyone outside of Shae's mind, and... minor, really, sans a few stupid impulses that were probably useless to entertain.
It felt odd being in the 'lead', so used to being in his shadow and watching his back that a part of her felt absolutely lost, despite knowing her destination already. The pair of maids they passed (one with a broom, the other a dustpan, working in tandem) both paused to observe the passersby and, in a fashion that seemed almost nervous, hastily turned to avert their gazes.
But the little koshka forced herself past them and continued on, finally back in the familiar little quadrant of 'their' quarters... and just stared at the doorknob to Yossarian's room for a pause, forcing her breath to steady, and her hands to stop shaking so she could just barely crack the thing open...
And did. Silently. Just in time to hear what sounded like a (slightly choked) giggle) and... the resident nurse speaking.
Funny, one would think a half-dead person wouldn't have the strength for theatrics-- but Aster seemed to make a point of wasting her energy on funny noises and little 'kiddish' gestures until, sure enough, her body spoke up in Yossarian's place to say 'OHAESTOPTIEMNAOPLZ'.
... Just why he sat there and let go about it without growling to be quiet and eat was a mystery, but... hell, maybe he was getting more tolerant as time went by? Either that or more tired-- which actually seemed a little more plausible, given his STUNNING track record of ZERO sleep thusfar.
And oh, again now with the questions. How many of these had he suffered through now?...
The worst part was how damned innocent she sounded asking it, apparently clueless as to the emotional 'spot' she'd just cornered him into. Now, how could he answer without either A.) sounding like a gutless sop or B.) crushing her fragile little hopes and dreams with something that sounded overly callous.
Siiiiigh.
"... It was..." Proper word, PROPER WORD. "... Sur... prising, to say the least." Ugh this felt like another one of those awkward 'confession' scenarios for some reason. Dare he actually confess that maybe, just maybe, he had felt utterly HORRIFIED in the dance hall, hovering over her with blood pouring between his fingers?
Oh he'd regret it. He'd regret it to no end.
"You... worried everyone, I would reason," he FINALLY conceded with more effort than it sounded like, shoving yet another spoonful at her (huh, almost half the bowl was gone now), "... myself included."
... Aster was really alive. She was alive, talking, chatting, eating... just like any other living person would be, only stuck in a bed. Some part of Shae had still been expecting to see nothing but a wasted body inside, all twisted up and bloodies and unmoving... and the sight of the total opposite had just... just...
She hadn't realized she was crying, not bothering to sob or wail or even really sniffle, but... there was something else-- a silent, shaky half-smile just... barely there at the corners of her lips.
She was really, truly alive and alright.
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Posted: Wed Aug 13, 2008 10:58 pm
[quote="Lulu_Heavn"]Hi :heart::heart:
Are you still looking for RL Commissions?
If so please check my samples and prices here: [url=http://feena95.deviantart.com/journal/35327874/]Link[/url]
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I like your OCs >w< they are the kind of characters I like to draw~ (and I like tattoos and marks x3)[/quote]
[size=11] Yeah I am ;D I'm definitely interested. Hehe thank you, as you can see I like random markings too BD Did you have anyone in particular you wanted to draw before I make up my mind? [/size]
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Posted: Wed Aug 13, 2008 11:51 pm
It was probably for the best that Yossarian remained unaware of their resident (if not unintentional) eavesdroppers, failing to hear the soft turn of the doorknob nor ever glance behind him, focussed entirely on a certain invalid instead... and the joy of her inevitable apologizing for useless things once again, just like he'd chided her for countless times before.
But no, cleansing breaths, cleansing breaths. He was just too worn out (in a lot of ways) to bark at her very harshly over it.
"... The apologies are needless." Hell, he was even starting to sound worn out, voice a little flatter than it had been a few minutes ago. "You had no control over the situation nor the ability to stop it..."
Although he still wished she (and that damn harlot) would've come out and TOLD them what was going on in the first place to prevent this entire disaster, but... that was all said and done with. If he yelled at her for it, he'd do it once she could walk again.
"... You seem weary," he noted rather offhandedly, pausing in his oh-so-joyous and motherly spoon feeding to give her a brief few moments of real eye contact. "I'd suggest that you rest more, for the time being."
After all, she'd actually exceeded his expectations (and without much fussing) when it came to getting food in her stomach... and he'd hang around, just as 'always', to keep an eye on her.
Track record be damned. This nurse doubled as a bodyguard and he wasn't about to let any avoidable complication get its filthy claws on her. Not after he'd failed to prevent disaster the first time.
... Responding took a minute for the latter of the two outside the door, standing in the same spot she had halted before and looking (a little dazedly) off at the sealed doorframe with utterly silent tears on her face and a look that was... hard to pin.
But then she swallowed hard (the choked sound was just her own throat) and looked over at him, nodded meekly... and made what was quite possibly the strangest (and most daring) gesture she'd ever tried concerning him.
She reached over and took his hand.
... Or his palm rather, grasping it for only a second or two in her shaking fingers and giving it a weak squeeze before she let go. It wasn't anything like a 'lover's' gesture, far too reserved and obviously conscious of his personal space to be mistaken for anything of the sort, but it was the bravest thing she could muster, along with a... very, very, very shaky smile to follow the first.
"Y... Yes Sir.... t-thank you..."
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