Welcome to Gaia! ::

grr i hate people that cut for attention or to be "cool"....it pisses me off....

This sucks.
I haven't slept in over 3 days.
I miss Saul so ******** much.
I want to see him again.
The last time I saw him was at a gig in november. He asked me if it was true that I liked him.
He looked down at his feet, embaressed.
Then looked up. My imagination thought he looked hopeful.
I said no. He looked down. I patted his head to lighten the mood and he screamed and walked away.
He didn't talk to me for the rest of the night. I tried to explain to him that I said no because my friends were there and I don't like telling people things in front of them, but he wouldn't listen.
I spent the rest of the night almost in tears because I loved him so much and he wouldn't listen to me.
Or even ******** talk to me.
I found out a month later that he was admitted into a psychiatric hospital because of extreme mood swings and depression.
I miss him.
I'm crying as I write this because all I wanted to do that night was hug him, but I couldn't.
I can't hug ******** anyone bothered to read this, just... I don't know.
Help.

I have decided to add.
Saul is out. I saw him in Dublin. I went up to him and said "Oh my God! Saul! How are you?"
I was genuinly pleased to see him.
He gave me this.. look, and walked off.
It was shattering, I didn't follow him, but the silence of the group I was with was HORRIBLE.
He is cutting everyone out of life now, and trying to forget.
Meep...

same with me, but it's my boyfriend instead. actually, if i killed myself, he'd kill himself, no doubt. that threat has done so many wonders for me. then again, it also made me contemplate his murder the last time i was suicidal so that i wouldn't hurt him with my death. i decided against it. it was a weird manic/depressed mixture that night. i ended up in the emergency room. eek

the numbness is a defense mechanism that frustrates me SO BAD cause it just reminds me of PROZAC PROZAC I HATE PROZAC IS THE DEVIL IS PROZAC AHHH!!!

I ******** hallucinated my dad, he had a knife. I keep seeing it. It's ******** up.

my stupid rant:

ARRRGGH! This whole week I've been having crazy, crazy swings, and it's freaking ridiculous! short burst of insane happy, long burst of sad, then they mix and I'm both, then they split again... It's driving me nuts. My doc already told me that I have some serious self-esteem/respect issues--meaning I am more or less convinced I am worthless, s**t, etc, which, when I'm feeling remotely down, is the understatement of the year. I KNOW it's not true, but at the same time, I'm positive it is. Does that even make sense? And you know, I don't really go around blabbering, because then everyone thinks I'm trying to get pity and s**t, and it's just so aggravating, because thinking I'm worthless makes me want/need to SI, and that (obviously) isn't really good, 'cause it leads to other...more...final stuff, which I've been through and don't want to go there anymore. Then there's this one guy that hangs out with my friends, and he keeps making all these snide comments because my sister's got vitiligo on her lip, and he's always like "your sister has c** stains on her lip" and s**t, and I'm like what the ******** is your problem?! But nothing bothers him, you know? He doesn't take any hits himself. He's a ******** a*****e--he set one of my friend's hair on fire, constantly punctures water bottles left unattended, s**t like that, and makes all these ******** insults at everyone. Shattered my already struggling-to-survive self-esteem today, and so now I feel like crap.

I knew people would stop me if they saw me using something to SI, so I just started digging my nails into my skin. I hadn't done anything purposely self-inflicted since early february, and it's eating me up, because I know it's bad, but...just digging my nails in felt so, so good. crying I don't want to start again....

I feel like such a whiny b***h now, sorry about that...

*half-smiles* Thank you. Really, that made me feel a lot better. And yeah, I hope so.

Alright, being the new girl...here's my rant.

I live with my in-laws. Fabulous right?
Not.

My father in law is a disgusting, pathetic, alcoholic. He drinks and drinks and drinks until he doesn't know where he is, what he's doing, who he's talking to, much less about, and starts strolling around stark naked.
It's sick.
He know's I'm living here. I have my two year old son with me. I have to live in this tiny, stupid little basement for the next 7 months until my husband gets back from Iraq and I want to throw this b*****d down the ******** stairs (excuse my french. It gives my husband peace of mind knowing that I'm here at his parents house where they can basically babysit me while he's away in Iraq. Fine, whatever. One less thing for him to worry about. Besides that...I do get to live here rent free. But s**t, sometimes it isn't worth it)

If I have to go to the bathroom at 11pm, I shouldn't have to worry about, when I get up these stairs is he going to be naked, or worse...laying on the couch, pissing on himself??? (Where's my video camera??) I swear, wanna talk relapse >.< Nothing pisses me off more or brings out more rage than seeing this disguisting ********, passed out on the couch, soaking in his own urine.

Would it really hurt to just...smother him with a pillow? Keep in mind, I'd never do this, he just makes me mad. Very.
I can't look him in the eyes. He stinks, he's hung over at 3pm and he's babysitting children????
My sister in laws (I have 2) Leave their children here in the morning for him to baby sit. Never my son, eff that. I'd NEVER leave my kid with him. He yells at them, stumbles all over them with his disgustiness >.< It makes me want to cry.
This b*****d parks me in at night, when I just want to get away from here and my son, because I just want to get a break and I can't get out. There are times when I want to get in my Jeep Cherokee, drop that s**t in 4 wheel drive and back over their s**t. ******** em.

I could sit here for hours bitching about how mad this makes me. Irate I tell you. Effing Irate. And it's bad when you've already got an anger problem.

Sometimes....you just want to hurt people. : /

Damn dude,
I wish this drunken b*****d would get off the damn toilet so I can pee. ********! It's 2:30am and he's had his a** on the ******** toilet for an hour and a half!!
I want to kick him.
Give me a damn break. >.<
When will my meds start to work, I don't know how much longer I'll be able to contain myself.