BOOK FIVE - NPCITICUS
This final book of the Old Gaian Testament will discuss NPC drama. The usual advice of reading a chapter at the time appiles here too. You also might note that this book does not cover the events of Halloween, 04. If you wish to view those events, I would suggest Calmer's sticky at the top of the Gaian Community thread index. And if you are wondering, yes, the Gaian Police was a real roleplaying thread.
Chapter One - The Worries of Ian... Again
Before the Dark Age, even before the time of the Mod Council, there was the Gaian Police. A unrulely set of law enforcers who spent there time within the Gaian Commerce, mantaining peace and order within the bars of Gaia (and charging "protection money" for it, too). This police force made it their duty to patrol the streets of the Commerence and Barton Town. Order was kept a lot fo the time, but one day, the police heard a tip-off about a certain Barton-Town pervert. The police chiefs immediately sent two of their officers around to investigate:
There was a knock on the door. No answer. Hotguy4u knocked again. Still no answer. The lazy law-enforcer, Hotguy, turned to his companion (Naurtorox) and prononuced that knocking on the door of the apparent pervert was a waste of time, and that they should go and get some more hawt babes from the Personals. But Naurtorox disagreed with his fellow officer. For one, he believed very strongly in the sacred Gaian ToS which had been handed down from the Great Lord just weeks before. And for two, Naurtorox felt that all the "babes" in the Personals where perverted SoBs anyway, much like the person that he was trying to flush out of the house infront of him.
Hotguy4u, upon hearing of his friend's rejection of the Personals plan, stormed off in a fit to chat-up some ready and willing twelve year-olds. Naurtorox (now alone) knocked upon the door infront of him once again. Then, it opened to him. It was held ajar by the person who lurked on the other side, who, apparenlty was breathing very harshly. Then, the owner of the house peered around the side of the door, before quickly hiding behind it again when he saw Naurtorox. The police officer opened his mouth to speak, but was beaten by the man on the other side of the door:
"So... I guess you don't have my new edition of Bondage World, then?" Ian asked. Naurtorox could of beaten down the door that very moment and slain the pervert on the other side. But instead one post escaped his keyboard:
"u muther fuker" Naurtorox swore, ready to blow down the door with his OMGIPWNU lightsabre which had just magically appeared in his roleplaying belt. But before he could finish typing "*knocks down d0or nd kilzz u*", Naurtorox heard a distinct voice:
"Naurtorox..." The voice called out to him. Naurtorox looked around the street. He was alone. Yet the voice called out to him again. Naurtorox eyed the man behind the door infront of him suspciously. But Ian had remained silent, quite disturbed by the officer's flaming. The mysterious voice called to Naurtorox again:
"Use the force... Naurto..." It told him. Naurtorox heard this voice, but called out to it in reply:
"Use the flame?"
"Force." The strange voice corrected. Naurtorox acknowledged this and gripped his OMGIPWNU lightsabre, inserted a Dulux battery, and turned it on. He heard Ian whimper from the other side of the door as he cut it open with his lightsabre. Ian let out a slight scream before telling Naurtorox that he could of just asked to come in, rather than cutting the door open with his big, glowly stick. Naurtorox procceded to pin Ian against his longue wall, and began to question him, but not before Ian commented on how 'kinky' the situation was.
"where were u last nite!!11??//" Naurtorox questioned, moving his head closer to Ian's (not in that sense, yaoi fans).
"At my computer!" Ian repiled, getting slightly turned-on by the man in uniform in front of him.
"Were iz dis 'computa' tehn?" Naurtorox asked. Ian hesitated in his reply, and then said:
"In my pants."
Naurtorox stared at him.
Chapter Two - Ugh
Naurtorox dashed up the stairs of Ian's house. Ian persued him quickly, but it was too late. Naurtorox reached Ian's bedroom, entered it and locked to door to keep Ian out. The Gaian Police officer sat down next to Ian's computer, and, two hours later (since Ian was running on Windows at the time) Naurtorox gained access to Ian's Temporary Internet Files. Ian himself didn't halt his seige upon his own room. Yet Ian was lacking his Trojan Horse, and so was failing in entering his room. Naurtorox, however, was having the time of his life! He had discovered an enormous amount of CBP (Cat Bondage Pr0n) on Ian's computer. It was enough to send Ian down to the Chatterbox for atleast a month! To be smothered in the fiery hell of flamers and fangirls.
Ian, meanwhile, at found his Trojan Horse. He began to meow, very loudly, outside of the room which Naurtorox was in. Naurtorox soon heard the continous meowing of, what he thought, was a cat outside of the door. Feeling that the cat-in-question was being abused, Naurtorox hurried over to the bedroom door and quickly opened it. Only to be punched in the face by Ian on the other side. Naurtorox coiled back at this blow to his face, and Ian slipped under his guard, grabbed his own computer and threw it out of the bedroom window. Naurtorox was furious, and, recovering from being punched, he leapt upon Ian. However, Ian managed to duck in time and Naurtorox went flying out of the window.
Ian gave a sigh of relief, and took a glance out of well-broken window. He managed to see Naurtorox float off in the river of sewage below the house. Ian gave yet another sigh of relief, and slouched down on his computer chair.
Naurtorox washed up upon the shores of Port of Gambino a few hours later. Upon figuring out where he was, Naurtorox began a long trek back to Barton Town. As night fell upon Gaia, Naurtorox was forced to keep walking, afraid of the beasts of the night, such as wolves and McKenzie. Then, quite unexpectantly, the mysterious voice he had heard hours early came to him once again. It was as loud as the howling wind, and as clear as the cloudless night's sky.
"Naurtorox", it called, as it had called out to him on the Barton Town street before. Naurtorox stopped in his tracks, and decided to reply to the mysterious voice:
"hu r u!?" Naurtorox called out to the wind. The wind gave him an answer:
"I am the alpha and the omega." Naurtorox gasped. The young roleplaying officer knelt down on the dusty road under him, and bowed, whispering:
"R u Gaya beta?"
"No." The wind answered. "I am the commander of all of all the data on Gaia."
A more audiable gasp escaped from Naurtorox, and his bow lowered further towards the ground. "ur bill gates!" Naurtorox announced with glee. But the wind groaned, and said:
"No you idiot. I'm Lanzer! The Great One!"
"wot do u wnt 4rom me?" Naurtorox asked. Secretly, he was hoping that it wasn't BDSM. But Naurtorox knew of Lanzer's Google image searching. He knew what the Great Lord looked at whenever he wasn't tending to his followers.
"I want you to send Ian to jail." The Great Lord told the officer. Naurtorox sighed, and then asked:
"y?"
This sent the Great Lord into a great rant about how he had been at a party once. Nine months later the Great Lord had recivied a phone call from a screaming baby Ian on the other end of the line. Since Naurtorox had been in the same situation as the Great Lord before with a whore he met in the Personals, the young officer agreed to his god's commands. Two months later Naurtorox confronted Ian once again.
It was actually on Hotguy4u's stag night before being married to a 20g-a-time whore that he had met in the Personals two months previously. The party group travelled from bar to bar within the Chatterbox, not giving a care for what the morning after would feel like. Then, late into the night, a mysterious cloaked stranger entered the bar the party team were dwelling in. The cloaked man grabbed Naurtorox by the arm, and lead him away from his group and out of the bar. Before the young officer could question the stranger, the hooded man brought him to a dark and eerie alleyway and said:
"I am your Lord." But in response, a very skeptical Naurtorox replied:
"nd im dri lol" But as those letters left his finger-tips, a storm suddenly came over Barton Town. This was very unusual, since storms don't usually occur in well-drawn anime towns. That was all it took (well, as well as a flash of OMG hatness from the cloaked stranger) to persuade Naurtorox that the cloaked stranger was who he said he was.
"Where is Ian?" Questioned the hooded Great Lord.
"alive mayb" Repiled Naurto, unsure.
"Ian has turned evil, my loyal follower." Lanzer told the Gaian Roleplaying Officer. Naurtorox nodded, and Lanzer continued:
"o wel i fink he woz a perv anywy" Naurtorox chuckled. Lanzer gave one of his FROWNS OF ULTIMATE POWER! Naurtorox sighed and set off towards Ian's house, knocking what must be done.
Chapter Three - Jealous Gino
At three in the morning (EST time, obviously), Naurtorox found himself knocking upon Ian's new front door, knowing that his god would be watching from far above. Of course, you and I both know that Lanzer was looking for twinkies at the time. However, the Great Lord did return in time to see the disturbing site of Ian answering his own door in his briefs. Because of this little factor, Lanzer was forced to delete all memory of this happening, this NPCs in underpants is an obvious brief of the ToS.
Moving swifty on, Naurtorox used his awesome n00b powers of flaming to gain entry into Ian's home, and arrest him. Ian, now in shackles, was forced into Barton City Jail overnight. Happy, Naurtorox returned to his partying duties and Lanzer was pleased with his performance, so Lanzer set out to find himself some more twinkies. However, unknown to both the Great Lord and his loyal police officer, things were about to take yet another turn for the worse.
Many months later, after Ian had been (with the "help" of Lanzer) convicted of several beastality charges and a number of concerns were raised regarding Ian's Personals addiction. The judge decided that Ian should be locked up until the admins wrote him a decent storyline. And so it was decided, and so it was done.
Ian, now the offical 'sad NPC of the month' (which makes a change from Gino, since he gets depressed about the Baneful on Gino yaoi fangirls) spent his time in jail listening to 99 Red Balloons religiously and living off rats. Then, one night, he was awoken by a mysterious ninja who had magically broken into his cell without alerting the guards (as mysterious ninjas do). Ian and the mysterious, masked ninja fled the jail and arrived back at Ian's home, where the ninja revealed its true idenity.
It was Gino. Sick of Ian taking all of his depressing rewards, Gino had decided to break his rival out of jail by himself. Informing Ian that he must return to his master's father's side, Gino leaped away into the night. Ian was left upon his doorstep. With a great sigh of relief, he let himself into his house.
Chapter Four - Gino's Secrets
The following morning the men (and some of the women) of Gaia heard of the jailbreak and how Ian had escaped from his prision cell on the morning hentai news. Just as Cindy was about to strip of for her webcam viewers report on the day's sport, the transmission was interupted. It was Johnny Gambino, broadcasting from an "unknown" location his backyard in an effort to explain where his son was the previous night, and to take him out of the possible suspects. However, Gambino ended up sounding extremely silly when he claimed that Gino was with a woman the previous night, since I'm sure we all know Gino is completely gay.
Down at the Gaian Police thread, the officers were putting the phrase 'rofl' to good use when they heard of Gambino's annoucement. After the investigators had recovered, they called Gino in for questioning:
"Where were you last night, Gino Gambino?" The officer questioned his suspect. Gino quickly repiled with his well-scripted answer:
"I was with a woman, as my father said!" The officer questioning Gino sniggered slightly, and repeated his original question. Gino searched his mind for a geniue-sounding cover story. He found none.
Meanwhile, Lanzer was staring at the events in the interview room in the Gaian Police Station as if it was a supernatural sitcom crossed with a pregnant flaming thread. But, alas, when the Great Lord saw of Gino's plight, he decided to asist. Calling out to Gino just as he had first called out to Naurtorox over a year before. Gino, as Naurton00b had done, looked around the room. Like the clueless idiot he was. Lanzer told him exactly what to say, and Gino repeated him:
"I was with... another man." Gino began. As for the rest of the interview, the log had to be destroyed, so that the Gaian people would never find out about the secrets Lanzer had told Gino to reveal about himself that day.
With one of his major NPCs happily safe, Lanzer turned to dealing with Ian, once again.
Chapter Five - The Dealings of Ian
Dri, one of the higher priests on the Mod Council at the time, contacted the Gaian Police with the Great Lord's orders. Lanzer had decided not to let Naurtorox carry out the Great Lord's will. For one, Ian was being even more paranoid than normal and had managed to break into the legendary GAIAN BETA which was not due out for a couple of centuries yet. Ian, using his uber haxx0r skillz that he had inheitered from Lanzer, had managed to break into the SACRED TEST SERVER OF DOOM and got himself a nice supply of weapons. Only one thing could take down a paranoid cat abuser:
An army of illerate roleplayers. And that's exactly what the Gaian Police was made up of. All available officers were set around to Ian's Barton Town residence, to flush out the person within. Naurtorox and a few of his partying friends had a strange feeling about what they would find inside, but they let their comrades raid the place anyway.
The Force didn't find anything. As the unit were about to return to their base thread, Inuyasha94 (the commander of the division) recivied an urgent PM from Control:
"omg inyu ppl ave spotted ian on teh hill ova tehre!!11" Inuyasha94 told his men, trotting off towards the hill in the middle of Barton Town West Field. His loyal troops raced after him. But as they passed through the outside walls of Barton Town, Inuyasha94 stopped in his tracks. Upon the grassy hill before them, Ian stood infront of a great, stone altar. But what shocked the men of the Gaian Police was the animal which was tied onto the altar: It was Rufus, Ian's HALF CAT-GUY, HALF VAMPIRE, HALF ANGEL, HALF TECHNI MUYO son. Recovering from the inital shock, the officers ran towards the maddened incest lover. But Ian raised a shotgun (well, it was er... a magical shotgun with plus one attack against orcs, of course) above his head and fired it into the air. The police officers stopped once again.
Except for Naurtorox, for he was driven on by the Great Lord chanting support into the young officer's brain like a pretty, highschool cheerleader. Naurtorox found himself screaming flames at the crazy NPC upon the hill infront of him. Ian fired his magical shotgun at the advancing officer, yet the Great Lord's magic deflected the bullet away from his loyal follower. Ian was taken back. He reloaded and fired again. The bullet was deflected. Reload. Deflect. Reload.
Until Naurtorox finally reached his target. It took less than a minute for Ian to fall to the masses of flames which spawned from officer's fingertips. A few seconds later, Ian was well an truly dead.
Chapter Six - The End
Ian was burned two days later before his ashes were scattered by a weeping Ruby just on the edge of Bass'ken Lake. However, just before Ian's body was burned to ashes, the Mod Council comissioned Gambino's G Corp to create a clone of Ian. Between the many months of the real Ian being killed by our n00b hero and a cloned Ian taking his place, the Halloween event occured. Of course, everyone was made to believe by the Patriots admins that G Corp was attempting to research ultimate brain function, but instead it really was an expiriment in an attempt to clone Ian. Many of you will of noticed that Ian's shop was still open during these months, and that Ian was still resident within. But the Ian you saw there was actually a cardboard version of Ian with a looped tape of typical Ianish catchphrases!
The cloned Ian, however, turned out looking more sinister than his prequel. However, the newer Ian is much more friendly and much less perverted than the true Ian.
Our n00b hero, however, was quickly banned for his murderous flaming activities and all records of him were quickly swept under the carpet by the Mod Council. The tale was only passed on by a few of the witnesses which were in the police unit at the time. Most of them, however, had been bribed or killed off by workers of the Mod Council. So, how did I learn of this great tale of the Great Lord's last real connection with some random person of the community?
...
Blame it on the Barton Lake Monster.
