1. Mike_Earnhardt - Zeras x
You had a lot of family and appearance detail, but the area that was lacking was the personality. In a text-based roleplaying situation, personality is really the only thing of a character that shows. You had only two sentences for the personality, and that simply is not enough for a whole character. The history was also a bit too vague. But the lack of personality was the main problem here. Had you put more than two setences, I could have gone for the character.
2. Rynn - Alania x
No surname? What type of American? I had to read the family section twice to understand it. It was too short, too squashed, too much too fast, and several very unnatural sentences throughout. History is FAR, FAR too short, and Alania is far, far, FAR too young. She's, like, ten years old. Just because her life hasn't been teatime with dragons and evenings bounty hunting doesn't mean nothing has happened in it. There's a trick that will aid you greatly as a roleplayer: learning to find the details of an average person's life. A character who has led an "average" life that is well-documented is five times better than a character who has done a million things. Unfortunately, all you've said is that she had an average life, and used that as an excuse to not supply a history. You must supply a history. You must seek out those details that make an average life a reality. Personality is also too short. Two sentences does not a character make. Two sentences cannot tell me anything about Alania. I can't even accurately describe a paper cup in two sentences. You might want to vary your sentence structure a bit; in the Appearance section you basically have four sentences starting with "her" and then five starting with "she" and as a result the section reads in a mechanical fashion. While the character background is plausible and appearance is nice, your character is too young and there's not enough detail.
3.
Jiora - Jakli http://www.gaiaonline.com/forum/guilds/viewtopic.php?t=202087
Sixteen and an apprentice, good. I like her dad. His aspiration amuses me.
biggrin Mmm, wasabi paste... Jakli has such a lovely history! It's really touching! Lovely tribal details. The onyl qualm I have is that just wandering into Terralusk for herbs is a bitmuch... Terralusk isn't a town, it's a city, one of the largest cities around (top three, at least). You could doubtless find herbs with traders who are around Terralusk, or in one of the "satellite" settlements. I think Jakli needs to be looking for more than just a few herbs she's running low on, she has to be after something rare and important to risk venturing into Terralusk. Great personality and appearance. Jakli is a very well-constructed character and fits the setting. Just give her present motivation a little bit more oomph.
4. Inle-roo - Uther x
Uther's physical description is very well-done, his background is plausible for the most part. I have two problems: his personality is a bit too short and I don't have a good feel for his character, and his background is too short for his age. You said he'd been wandering by himself for, I don't know, ten years? I'd really like to hear a bit about what he's done in that time. I'd also like to see a little bit more on his time with the mercenaries. (Where did he learn reading and writing??) It was close, but I have to say he needs just a bit more detail in his personality and/or history before he's acceptable.
5.
Sundragyn - Ngozi http://www.gaiaonline.com/forum/guilds/viewtopic.php?t=202088
You actually want trader, not merchant, but since you submitted before I had that info typed up I'll let it slide. Ngozi's character is very well-conceived, is something I was hoping to see but not expecting, and meshes well with the established universe. I liked the flavor of the character (mm, graham crackers, though that's not whta I'm referring to) and the little details that make this short profile seem longer than it is. I look forward to seeing more of Ngozi!
- switch to trader
6. Ice Queen - Miranda x
I don't understand well what your elf's cultural background is. You said she's a full adult but didn't get her actual age. No one has gone around the feien world, not even once, and while some have tried, none have ever returned. (It's not even certain the world is round.) I really don't understand your character or where she comes from -- your application is too short.
7. Sarabi Adruenna - Tleth'kaa x
This was a really nice character concept, but the application was too short by far, and as I hadn't made any mention of bestial "gods" I'm not sure where you got this whole tribe turning away from the gods bit. A bestial Shaman living in Terralusk is very unlikely, but if you had fleshed out your application more I might have been persuaded. But Tleth'kaa's app is too short.
8. Lenachan358 - Rachna Dweebleleaf x
Wow, I've got to feel sorry for Rachna, because her surname just invites teasing. But on a more serious note... familial dragonbond. I could potentially go for this. But not the way you've done it. The bond with the dragon is too genial and there's far too much contact. Dragonmasters don't just hop over to their dragon's cave for tea -- even being a dragonmaster, one is unlikely to ever enter the dragon's lair. That's where the dragon keeps all of his or her loot. Anyone who finds a lair gets killed no matter how friendly they are. And dragons don't need "care." Dragons are not feeble, they are noble and powerful and the only thing capable of taking down a 700-year-old noble magus bounty hunter alchemist artificer whatever. They have more magic in their left ear than a Master magus. You've severely underestimated the dragons in your app. They don't befriend elves because they need their floors washed. Additionally, one cannot be merely a Dragonmaster. Dragonmaster is sort of like a prestige class that requires you to have levels in another class before you can pursue it. And even worse is to have a barely pubescent character as a dragonmaster. The spring festival is NOT Mardi Gras. it's the elven equivalent of Mardi Gras. What would a Middle Eastern city be doing celebrating Mardi Gras? (I probably should have likened it to Ramadan.) Rachna is too young to be a dragonmaster (or anything besides a child, really), dragonmastery was not handled realistically, you underestimated the dragons, you went off on a bit of a tangent in places, and as nice as your writing is (and it's very nice) this character does not fit the setting.
9.
Shiro Ookami - Spade http://www.gaiaonline.com/forum/guilds/viewtopic.php?t=202089
I love the Dirtmen stuff you came up with. It's perfectly matching to the flavor of the realm. Her reason for being present is logical and believable. While her personality is a little short, Spade is a really interesting character I look forward to seeing roleplayed.
10. azuredreams - Johannes Weller x
Magus bounty hunter... Not the most common combo, but not unheard of. I like the family description, they're all very real. Sentence construction is a bit unnatural throughout... I had to read almost all of the information twice just to be sure I was actually reading it right. Problematic sentences: "Just to do it and being far too stubborn to back down once the decision was made." "To help, to put to use that which he had to use." "On their path, coincidently them crossing someone else's honestly, they ran into a Bounty Hunter who was fighting with an outlaw." "It set him back on his path with more fervor than before and in that, he became the more silent and dedicated man he was to become as he got older." I think too many of your sentences are too complex and you often repeat the same thing two or three times in a single sentence. Pare down your words. Orel is not properly explained. Not only should I not have to go read Orel's application to find out who you're talking about, I refuse to. You should always explain who the characters who pop up in your application are. Honestly, I just skipped the three paragraphs on Orel, and the history section was much, much stronger. I recommend you strike them or simplify them; the information presented in those three paragraphs is unnecessary. I'm a bit confused... you can ask for an receive a bounty hunting license. You might need to toady up to a Councilmember in order to get approved. They certainly won't approve just everyone who walks in the door -- one needs to display some sort of competency. But I don't see how Johannes, a trained magus, could fail to display such competence. It's not easy to get the license, but it's not as hard you made it out to be, I don't think. But the history is overall really nice, very plausible, nicely detailed, excepting the three paragraphs with Orel. You really need to do something about those; I'm just stuck on how meaningless the paragraphs are compared to the rest of the application. Then you jump and say Johannes is hunting Orel... What? How? Why? Orel's an outlaw? Huh? Your first sentence in the personality makes no sense because of one important thing: you just told us, more than adequately, how Johannes went from rambunctious youth to bounty hunter. And it isn't as if Johannes has to justify himself to his fellow elves. I don't understand why you're now rehashing the history in the personality section; it's unnecessary, and you're not actually saying anything about Johannes' personality while you're doing this. The personality is all over the place; I have no idea who this character is all the sudden, which surprised me, because I certainly knew who he was throughout the history. The personality is far too complex. It needs to be simplified a lot so that Johannes' character is clear and understandable. Honestly, I really loved the application (minus those Orel paragraphs) until I hit the personality. Appearance is nice. But the personality... it needs to be completely re-done. Focus on Johannes' major personality traits, be clear and concise, and don't rehash the entire history. Had it not been for the murky personality section I would have accepted this character.
11. Lemonlime - Dameon x
Your application was far too vague in the area of family and history. I don't understand why Dameon is an outlaw -- he has not committed any crimes. Self-imposed exile/outcast, sure, but not an outlaw. You described him as having skin; bestials of mammalian type have fur covering their bodies. They are not humans with cat ears stuck to their heads. Dameon cannot have the element of blood because he is not a vampire or vampiric descendent. And again, your application was far, far too vague. I have no clue what was going on in the history and family except that his mother coerced his father into conceiving Dameon. I don't even know why.
12. Teralinth dKalin - Eonenêšeotse Maahe x
While this is a really interesting background... I'm confused on several levels. The Native American/elf relationship doesn't make total sense... There were several elves who once lived among Native American tribes and nations, and generally with greater ease than elves living elsewhere. (Illegitimate children of European elves spurred witch hunts, for example.) Nes's race is actually cross-breed elf/human... half-elf can mean anything. Honestly, Syn makes more sense than Nes does, and from what's in her description I see a really potentially interesting character. Why were bounty hunters plotting to attack the tribe exactly? Where was the bounty involved? Why didn't the tribe have an elven resident or two of its own? What sort of training did Syn give to Nes, anyway? You say it was training in bounty hunting. Most elves who are bounty hunters are qualified to be so because of their skills in a fighter class. How has Nes managed to make himself such a reputable bounty hunter? He's only been doing it for 50 years. There's a good reason why bounty hunters tend to be elves -- there are only so many criminals to catch every year, and competition to catch them is fierce. An elven bounty hunter, who is presumably a noble, too, can afford to go a few years without a catch because s/he doesn't need the money to live. In fact, to catch one outlaw every two years is considered -extremely- successful and given the level of some outlaws, hunters can be chasing a prey for ten years. So if Nes were extremely successful, he might have caught 25 bounties in the fifty years he's been in the elven realm. But there's a problem with that. Nes isn't from the elven realm. He wouldn't have the knowledge of an elven resident who has lived in the elven realm for two hundred years, wouldn't know how to deal with elven society the way a native to the realm would, wouldn't have the same innate sense of geography. Why would Martel choose to hire this half-elf bounty hunter who isn't from the elven realm to find his daughter? You were treading a difficult line here. There was a reason I didn't mention a lot about the Crossing the set-up: I didn't want people playing elves with a heavy tie to Earth. Admittedly, in this case, the connection to the human realm was plausible, but the connection to the elven realm was not. Nes doesn't have any lands or home mentioned, he has no listed combat skills, he's a bounty hunter in name only. His personality is also a little short. The biggest problems here were really with that leap between Syn meeting Nes and Nes becoming a bounty hunter and moving to the elven realm... there's too much history missing there, and the missing history is the exact area that would make this application plausible: how Nes established himself and what precisely he is qualified to do.
13. Ice Queen - Lyric x
Lyric's backstory just doesn't make sense. His human father shot his mother with a dart and raped her? Where does a human get a tranquilizer and where does a human get the right to wander around the bestial forests with his friends? I think you've gravely underestimated the bestials, who are strong and proud and very much in control of their own lands. They are not animals to be hunted. The elves consider them to be nearly equals, and they are respected by all the other races of the realm. There is no gladiatorial school where you can unilaterally abandon children. Gladiators are trained by the people who buy them usually, or people hired by the owners. Yuo have to remember that the societies of this realm are heavily decentralized. Why would any bestial give up a child to be a slave? Bestials aren't slavers and don't generally approve of slavery, which is why there's no such thing as a common bestial slave. (They can't stop an elf who decides to take a bestial for a gladiatorial slave, unfortunately, but this is rare.) And bestial/human crossbreeds are not so rare that being a cross of this type would make the child something to be thrown out. The character is too unrealistic (taught himself to read at three and enjoys musicals??). I don't think you understood the setting or the bestfolk. Lyric's application is too short for all the things you tried to do with him.
14. Zero Dream - Tsuki'Kage x
Even though there is the chance I would accept a dragonmaster, this one just doesn't make the cut. First, she's too young, far far too young, and the wounded dragon story is unrealistic. Dragons possess magic, they don't need to lie on the ground waiting for some teenaged elf to come around and heal them. 80 years is when an elf is considered an adult; this does not make him or her a full physical and mental adult. Dragonmaster is not generally a standalone class. Most dragons wouldn't deign to associate with individuals who have no skills or power of their own. They would eat the individual. Which brings up the point that dragons don't generally go within five hundred miles of elven lands if they can avoid it. Thus Tsuki'Kage running between a dragon cave and her mother's house is a bit... unrealistic. Being a dragonmaster does not mean you get to be buddy-buddy with a dragon. Basically, what you have here is not an acceptable dragon-elf relationship. There's also the problem of the names. There is nothing wrong with playing a Japanese elf, but "Tsuki'Kage" is not an acceptable name. Neither are "Tsuki'Tenshi" or "Shiro'Tenshi." These are just combinations of overly common Japanese words. (Moon-Shadow, Moon-Angel, White-Angel) If you wanted to play a Japanese elf, you shoudl look up some Japanese names, preferably very honorable ones from as far back in Japanese history as you can manage. And "Frost" is not an acceptable dragon name. You're a good writer, you just need to be more realistic about your character concept.
15. Sundragyn - Kiden x
Though Ngozi's application was great and Kiden ties into it, Kiden's application just doesn't stand on it's own. It's too short-- one of, if not the, shortest applications in the mix. Unfortunately I won't accept Kiden just because Ngozi's app was strong. Kiden isn't a complete character.
16. Lucifer Force - Itu Rois x
Though your app is very detailed and you clearly put a lot of thought and time into it... too much of it makes no sense. She ran into a bunch of enhancers on the street and decided to join them, and they're at the festival as circus freaks? This just doesn't mesh with elven society -- enhancers are powerful mages, not charlatans. People study for decades to master the art. You had so much nice detail and the character herself is good, but her festival presence and current life simply don't fit the setting. Itu would have been acceptable had you not made her an enhancer traveling entertainer. Elves just don't go into low-class vagabond professions like that unless they are mentally unstable. I think you missed the grandeur of the elven civilization; they have servants and slaves to fulfill these roles, to have an elf do such tasks would bring on great public ridicule. Had Itu been a human and not an elf, she could have been acceptable in this sort of career. But it doesn't fit an enhancer or an elf of sound mind, and thus the character can't work properly in the setting. Also, including some actual ages would have been helpful; the lack of concrete numbers made the relations and conditions of the characters very vague.
17. Ice Queen - Lai x
Given that this application relied on Lyric and Miranda's apps, it does not stand up well enough on its own.
18. Sevviekun - Daithi MacBruin x
The first two sentences of your History section were great, really great, the basis of an interesting character. The problem is you had nothing following these two sentences. Daithi has no history. Personality was similarly absent, with only three sentences. There's simply no character here to note. Application needs more detail.
19.
Arach - Rucka http://www.gaiaonline.com/forum/guilds/viewtopic.php?t=202090
WOW that's some awesome family detail! I'd be a bit happier if Derck had a chest that could contain a lot, but not infinity. He could claim it contains infinity, though. And wow, what a history! She's only fifteen years old but you had four paragraphs! Four very lovely paragraphs! And nice festival motivation. And very nice personality -- I loved the tactile element. Appearance suffers from the fact that I neglected to mention that bird bestials have wing arms, but actually, there's enough leeway in the appearance that it still works with this detail. Rucka's a solidly-constructed character and you're a good writer. BUT... Being a healer isn't necessarily integral to Rucka's character. She could just as easily be an artisan. So while I'm not going to demand it, I would ask that you please change her class! We don't need this many healers, honest. ;_;
- change healer class (opt)
20. Sukkubus - Chang Fen x
no commentary
21. Rhiannon Everwind - Adrianne Gwidyone x
Though this was an incredible application, I cannot pass it for a few reasons. First, while elves are considered adults at the age of 75, it must be noted that at this point an elf is physically and emotionally similar to a 14 or 15-year-old. This being the case, I must say... 75 is FAR TOO YOUNG to be a magus. Being a magus involves decades of training and study and Adrienne just isn't old enough to have undergone this. There's also the problem that by your math, Adrienne's parents were also 14/15 years old at the time they had Adrienne... it's so unusual to see childbirth occuring this young, particularly in an elf, where most females have their children well after passing the one hundred year mark. It doesn't make sense when you've got 700 years to bother with family when you're only 75. You just didn't seem to remember that elves live a very, very long time. And ALL elves have magic, whether they are magi or not. A magus is just a specialist who studies magic in the way a biologist is dedicated to biology. A magus is a scientist who studies magic. Because all elves have magic, your reasoning that Adrienne's parents died because they had none does not work. So in conclusion: If Adrienne were not a magus, she would have been acceptable, but if she were not a magus she would not have been able to kill her parents. If she were a magus she could have killed them, but she would need to be about three hundred years older and have her character totally re-written. Since the character requires rewriting, I cannot accept this character. The application was otherwise very well-written.
22.
Blayde - Maxim http://www.gaiaonline.com/forum/guilds/viewtopic.php?t=202096
Why is he American and what's with the name? History is a little bare (where did he learn his trade?), and the personality is weak, but both areas are sevicable. I like his appearance. He suits the setting well enough, but it does not make sense for him to be a merchant. Own a shop and have learned a bit of business from his father, sure, but not have merchant as a class, because he doesn't have the mercantile drive and he's dealing in an area of custom crafting and repair, not trade and power.
- remove merchant class or replace with noble
- +250 years; 113 is barely 17, not old enough to have mastered the fine craft of tinkering or established a shop.
23. Blayde - Lillian x
This was a tough decision. Family and History sections were basically nonexistant. Without Maxim's application, Lillian is very confusing. But you did a nice job on the personality and appearance. Still, I said I'd assess these applications individually and I have to do that, so Lillian does not pass. Please flesh out her application.
- +5 years
24.
Sajhiri - Tessa Sirat http://www.gaiaonline.com/forum/guilds/viewtopic.php?t=202098
Lovely background detail, interesting character, nicely integrated into the established universe. Excellent festival presence logic and nice detail throughout.
25. Teralinth dKalin - Entry 1
http://www.gaiaonline.com/forum/guilds/viewtopic.php?t=204526
Character name does not match PM title. I will henceforth refer to character as Entry. What sort of European is Entry? I'm curious, since her family has slaves instead of servants, and the European elves tend more towards servants as a general rule. Ooh, Entry's background is interesting. I like why Entry's at the festival. what a glorius taboo to have exploited. I really want to see Entry in the game! She's such an interesting character, and has some great potential for interactions with the other characters... I can't wait to see where Entry's life ends up going after the festival.
26. TarnishedHalo - Orel von Walde
An enhancer. A healer. A magus. TOO MANY SPECIALIST CLASSES in this family, particularly when you throw in a tinkering hobby, too. You can't have all of this. And then you have Orel being serious about magus-type magical studies, too. There are no local towns. Only estates. Most elves have piercings; this is not considered anything having to do with Enhancement. Elves love earrings on account of the fact they draw attention to that quintissential elven feature: the ears. Tattoos and piercings are not what being and Enhancer is about. There are Enhancers without any tattoos or piercings whatsoever. Enhancement is a branch of magic in which practicioners modify their bodies physically by means of magic and usual towards a combative end. They can grow or shrink appendages, higher levels can temporarily generate additional appendages, they can contort their bodies into seemingly impossible configurations. Enhancement is not a piercing subculture. And there are no sailors. As much as this upsets the Greeks, the oceans are too dangerous to navigate. People who go out of sight of the shore never come back. Elven land is divided into parcels. Elves don't need towns, thus they don't have towns. There are maybe seven cities total; four of them I've disclosed locations for. There are some human settlement "towns" on the edges of these cities, but one cannot take a tour of the elven countryside via towns and cities. There just aren't that many. And forwarding addresses? Fairies deliver messages and communications; nobody uses addresses. There is also the problem of that manservant -- you say he's been with Orel since Orel's birth. Well, if the two were actually born the same year, the manservant would most likely have passed away when Orel was about twelve, and that's if he was lucky. Unless you meant since the manservant's birth, in which case you still have a problem, since human servants can only offer about 50-60 years of service and your elf is 425 years old. Paid well for training other Enhancers? Erhm no. While sometimes masters do charge their apprentice a fee, training is not somethign that's done commercially. And having a bounty taken out on him? A few problems here. 1) It's illegal to kill any elf who is not branded an outlaw outside of dueling. This does not mean that it never occurs, because it does, but... 2) any bounty hunter who accepted such a commission would themselves be branded an outlaw. Usually if you want to kill another elf you use an assassin (illegal) or a mercenary (still illegal). 3) How could Rel find out he had a bounty on his head without dying? Obviously, when one illegally pays an assassin to kill someone, one does not advertise this fact. 4) Bounty hunters don't take illegal commissions if they want to keep alive and practicing as a bounty hunter. Too much of this application is directly in conflict with the setting: stigma over piercings, towns and cities, sailors. While Orel's motivations behind following Enhancement make some sense, his actual path to it does not. And I didn't see the tinkering played on at all in the profile -- it's not jewelry crafting, it's more like watch repair. Making jewelry falls under the artisan class. Tinkerers are folk who are completely obsessed with the inner workings of mechanical objects.
29.
Zero Dream - Alcion En'Lojist http://www.gaiaonline.com/forum/guilds/viewtopic.php?t=202100
There were several writing issues here, some typos that spellcheck wouldn't catch (ratter, trough), but the character fits the setting, aside from problems with the ages -- the brothers are both too young to have a father so old (elves, too, lose potentecy in old age), and their ages are too close together. While it's possible to have births that close together (my brother was conceived only seven months after my birth) it's not probable given the father's age. Iladar is old enough to be out building his domain, but unless he's some sort of genius or particularly powerful elf, he's got to be an utter fool for cutting himself off from his parents when he's only about 18. He really must have his age increased. But the character suits the game despite logical issues with the ages and some writing problems. It must be noted that I don't see how this character fits any American ethnicity; there was no cultural element in this application.
30.
Slicey - Inga Camacole http://www.gaiaonline.com/forum/guilds/viewtopic.php?t=202102
It was so refreshing to have somebody label 180 as a young adult. You are the first person who seems to have any grasp of this subject. I think you took the ostracization of Enhancers just a bit too far. It's not a complete taboo. It's just an oddity. Besides, Enhancers are so powerful, would you really want to treat them unfairly? I also think your family had too many classes. The father's a magus. The mother's from an Enhancer family. Sebastian is a Slavemaster and so is his family. This is at least one class in the background too many. Heading into history, your sentences suddenly become very long run-ons. If Inga doesn't really have the drive to be a full-time, practicing healer, you cannot class her as a healer. It's fine for anyone to learn a bit of healing so they know something. Most nobles do. It helps pass the time. But the difference is between a profession and a hobby, and Inga falls into the hobby category, ergo she's not healer class. Aside from this, Inga has a wonderful background. I have to note that you frequently misspell her name as Igna. I'm assuming it's really Inga since that's what's in the PM title and the name area, but you might want to be conscious this is happening so you can avoid it. Ack, then you kill me. Dragons should not be approached. Ever. Seriously. They eat people. And they don't care if "people" means elves or humans or bestials or greyskins. Ergo I have a modification for you on this note, because the reasoning for Sebastian having seen the dragon is plausible enough and so is his reaction. It's also an excellent tie-in to the festival motivation. Inga's personality is delightfully elven. Appearance is done well. Overall, this is an exceptional character that built upon a lot of concepts from the setting, mostly in a positive way. Now you just need to remove the negative.
- Remove Enhancer class and related plot from the background. Hatred of non-elves is enough; the enhancer element can be stricken without seriously affecting the character in my opinion. Alternatively, I might also consider having both the magus and slavemaster ties removed and leaving in the Enhancer bit, but I'd be happier if you took out the Enhancer references.
- Remove healer class.
- Make Sebastian's initial infatuation with dragons stem from something besides a glimpse of a dragon, like a book. Forget the workhouse. North of Pannin Lake is dragon territory and no human/elven buildings are allowed. But that doesn't make Sebastian's ilegal camping trips impossible and certainly it is possible for him to have glimpsed a dragon overhead. Just not approach closely. Else there would have probably been no Sebastian to speak of the event.
31. Chinchillie - Hester G. Lawley x
Well, the family is a bit confusing, but sorted out the second read through... the part where this falls apart is the age and the selling oneself into slavery. She's only 14 -- not a young adult and certainly not old enough to be a gladiatorial slave, or have experienced even half of the history you've typed up. And why did she have to sell herself into slavery to find her father? How would being a slave aid her in her search? Slaves have practically no rights. They can't go anywhere without their owner's permission and nobody's entitled to tell them anything. Hester would have more luck just visiting the elven lands to find her father -- there's no reason a bestial or bestial-raised cross-breed couldn't travel elven lands with council permission. And I dont' understand -how- a 14-year-old human/bestial crossbreed could possibly pass any gladitorial training with any success when she's only just struggling with puberty and can't have been training long given her age. The Terralusk competition is not for newbie fighters. It's for fighters and slaves with years of experience and a chance at success: entering a slave of Hester's age would just be a waste of the entry fee. Hester's selling herself into slavery makes even less sense when you say she'd give anything to be head of the household. Yes, children can be shortsighted and do foolish things, but how did Hester ever manage to get away from her tribe and pull the whole slavery thing off? Actually, by law, she couldn't even sell herself off ebcause she hasn't even reached the slave age of majority, 15, so she cannot enter in contract or own property and is technically the property of her parent. I'm also confused as to how her human slave father ended up with her mother. You had very nice personality and appearance (though I might have preferred a tiny bit more from the bestial side) but Hester's background just raises too many questions. She's not old enough for her class. She's not old enough to have experienced all the history attributed to her. She couldn't sell herself into slavery even if she tried. There seems to be no real reason to sell herself into slavery when any number of other routes would have made her quest easier. The circumstances behind the meeting of her parents was not adequately explained, nor was their separation. I think you could pull this application off if you removed half the things you're trying to do, or doubled her age and made the slavery plausible.
32.
azuredreams - Raven Marlowe http://www.gaiaonline.com/forum/guilds/viewtopic.php?t=204524
Okay, I admit it, I laughed when I read Richard's death. I am a horrible person. XD Having said that... I love the family, they're just detailed enough to be real without stealing the spotlight. I'm amused by the sister's name being Sarah; Sarah Parker is the English Councilmember. I'm confused as to where the boys would be sent off for schooling... it's usually hired servants who are in charge of instructing elven children. There certainly aren't any elven boarding schools I can think of, though there are some boarding schools run for human servants and slaves. I wish I knew more about the mentor. Raven's really your typical alchemist/researcher, an eccentric recluse, kudos for that. He's also well ont he wya to catching the attention of Nystur, which could only bode well for him. I love Raven's personality. I sincerely hope he never meets Sayyid. Overall, Raven's a classical elven character (so far as the setting is concerned) and a real treat.
- change schooling somehow
33.
Reyna Crelos - Arien Se'regon http://www.gaiaonline.com/forum/guilds/viewtopic.php?t=202104
72 is not the pinnacle of adulthood, it's the pinnacle of teenagerdom. You should have spell-checked this app; there were numerous misspellings that would have been easily caught. As, oh, 95% of elves are nobles, and basically every elf living in the country is a noble (country implies land, land equals noble) it's really very, very unlikely that Arien's mother was not a noble. but the family has some very lovely detail in it. The present situation was exquisite (excepting age problem noted below). Arien is nicely conceived and detailed.
- +200 years; Arrien is too young to possess any notable healing skills, as 72 is when one first begins to embark upon training, and furthermore 72 is not an age when one should be worrying about marriage. Start thinking about marriage when you're 120; start worrying when you're 300, the elven equivalent of 30.
34. Reyna Crelos - Torrin Ferris x
Ohh, an innkeeper in the background! I have been waiting to see that! You have a slight problem here, though... you say Brenna is younger than Torrin and planning he marriage, then say she's a century younger than Torrin... which would make her two years old! XD Methinks you might have changed concepts but neglecting to update the family? Why is Torrin's history so short? You had such a rich, detailed family that had so much potential in the history department, and you just ignored it. I'm confused as to when Torrin joined Thaelin. I'm even more confused as to why you listed Torrin as a merchant when he's clearly not pursuing the class at all. He's pursuing... traveling entertainer... which isn't a particularly likely class and certainly not the sort of thing that would make any mother proud. In fact, he's pursuing the sort of job that's usually occupied by humans. I tried to think of a way to make this acceptable, but because Torrin's history is so incredibly short (why? whyyyy?) and doesn't fit the setting, the changes that would be required would necessitate submitting a new character. You had such a great start with the family section, you just didn't build on it, and I think you went off on a bad tangent with the entertaining bit. But you're clearly a good writer.
35.
Sosiqui - Tertian http://www.gaiaonline.com/forum/guilds/viewtopic.php?t=202106
This was a fully-conceived character, detailed beautifully. You even managed to touch upon a bestial physical detail I forgot to mention: avian bestials don't have back wings, they have arm wings. The characters fits in perfectly with the setting; you managed to carve out a niche in the world for Tertian. The background you conceived is so appropriate to the setting I can't imagine the elven realm without what you created. Excellent job.
36. TarnishedHalo - Alexander Kensington
http://www.gaiaonline.com/forum/guilds/viewtopic.php?t=204525
I have one problem with the math: Alec is the eldest. He has seven younger siblings. His father died when he was 200. 200/7 = 28.5. I'm surprised his dear mother survived that many childbirths so close together! Is it possible? Sure. Is it advisable when you have only one wife to have eight children? Not so much. Can an elven woman live through eight childbirths in 200 year time? Yes, but not with her health or reputation intact, and given how close together the children would be in age... that would take years off a person's life. Basically this family had four children under the age of 100 for 200 years, and that's if you assume the kids were spaced about 25 years apart. That's a lot of kids. Are you sure this family is English and not Irish? (Oof, stereotyping, bad me. But as I come from an Irish family...) Alec is married! I like that. Lovely history, but he can't travel the entirety of the world, because a) no one has and b) dragons would eat him and c) sea monsters would eat him. But he could travel the whole of the elven world. Gods, the more I read, the more I love this character. Everything about him is so perfect! He's great! He reminds me of Sayyid; given that you are reminding me of my own character, this is a good thing, because who knows more about the setting than me? Wonderfully conceived and detailed.
- kill two siblings! or increase father's death to 250 years
37. Lenachan358 - Arthur XI x
An Asian slave named Arthur XI. That's certainly... original? But native human tribes? I don't recall mentioning any in the setting, perhaps because there is no such thing as a native human tribe. Humans are not any more native to the realm than elves are. Humans were imported along with the elves. They don't have tribes, and those who are not slaves live among elves for the most part. And more than that, humans don't have cities. And elves do not go out and take over human cities to gain slaves. They breed their slaves using the available stock, occasionally buying children from non-slave parents. Given that there are no human tribes, no human cities, and no slave raiding... Arthur's background does not work at all. He doesn't fit the setting. I won't pretend this character isn't well-written. He's beautifully detailed and crafted. You have a real gift for character creation. But you didn't observe the rules of the setting regarding humans and having just gone through the info again twice, I'm not sure where you got the basis for the tangent you went off on. Unfortunately Arthur does not work.
39.
LittleButterfly - Zian http://www.gaiaonline.com/forum/guilds/viewtopic.php?t=202110
Zian is very nicely-crafted, he fits perfectly in the setting, his festival motivations make sense, and his personality... has some real possibilities for interesting altercations at the festival. ;D We are getting a tad too many avian bestials, given that avians live northward and the areas around the elven lands are primarily mammalian, but Zian is a very strong character and so perfectly plausible! Excellent job, and exactly what I was looking for: well-conceived character that did not have to have an incredibly long profile. (Don't get me wrong, I like long profiles when the characters make sense, but this is what I was aiming for in terms of the contest, proof that profile length was not as important as a well-conceived character.)
41. Asahi Kumoru - Cusirimay x
The idea of the llama bestial weavers is a really, really good one. I love the names inthe app. May has a really unique ambition that's somehow fitting. I'm not entirely sure I understand May's personality and overall characterization; a little bit more work on this section could do some wonders. Appearance was beautifully done. But my real problem with this is the history. May is 153 years old, and even if she's only ever lived with her tribe before now and never gone adventuring or done anything out of the ordinary, she has had a life. The history needs to be beefed up. Tell about her outlook and situation in the various stages of her life, not just when she was little and how she is now. You've got a hundred years between the two to fill. I debated passing this because really it's only the history, but I can't be certain enough of who May is without more history. So write some more in that section and you should be fine.
