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My first time posting a poem on here. Ah well. Here you are:

Lifeless


There is nothing here.
Nothing to fear.
There is nothing here.
Nothing near.

I am alone,
Still as stone.
I have no breath
To complete my quest.

I strive to live.
I strive to give.
But I am stopped by Life,
Cut through with a knife.

Outside, there is snow.
Inside, nowhere to go.
I stay outside, outside in the snow.
I stay outside, where the clouds lay low.

Crying in the snow.
Crying in the snow.
All alone.
All alone.

Take me out.
Let me shout:
"I have nowhere to go!
I have nothing to show..."

I have lived without living.
I have given without giving.
I need someone to tell:
"Get me out of this Hell."

I fall to the ground,
Uttering not a sound.
No one comes.
I have not won.

I have lost.
I am lost.
I have died.
I am dead.

I live, though I am dead.
I stay, though I have left.

Crying in the snow.
Crying in the snow.
All alone.
All alone.

[CW]

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The rhyming seems a bit too forced for me.

Quote:
I life, though I am dead.
I stay, though I have left


I do believe you mean "I live" and not "I life".

For some reason it just doesnt quite cut it for me. I know its supposed to be an emotional poem but instead I am just left with nothing when it comes to that aspect. Maybe try to work on imagery and other literary devices to help evoke that emotion. And try to worry less on the rhyming.

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Thank you for the correction.

I just like rhyms. I don't know why, but I never really enjoyed poems that didn't rhym. I myself thought that perhaps the rhym being ever line might not look or sound too good, but It's how I do poems the best.

Thanks for the advice.

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[Submit_Here]
Lifeless

There is nothing here.


Pretty much an excellent summary.

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[Submit_Here]
Thank you for the correction.

I just like rhyms. I don't know why, but I never really enjoyed poems that didn't rhym. I myself thought that perhaps the rhym being ever line might not look or sound too good, but It's how I do poems the best.

Thanks for the advice.
-nods- Your welcome.

Tiny Werewolf

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i have a poem with the same name but it seems a lot different then anything you put i like dark poems and i write them a little lighter then half the stuff i read but i like this one

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The rhyming does seem forced. It's as if you built a poem around the rhyming scheme you wanted to try out. Also the content has been done to death. It's an okay poem, but I just don't feel it.
Gaia Forums » MISC Forums » Forum & Sticky Archive » Original Poetry/Lyrics

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