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Kasumi Torisei

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Post: 24631231_1 created on Fri, 16 Mar 2007 01:24:09 +0000
Posted: Fri, 16 Mar 2007 01:24:09 +0000

Please read and review. I'm entering an essay contest for GEW, so I'd like some feedback. Did I convince you? Even if I didn't, is it well-written? How does it compare to any other GEW entries you've read?

150 words isn't a lot to work with, but I did my best, so I hope you like it.

A quick note: The link for racial identity is best viewed in Internet Explorer because of my layout. Even if you use Firefox it's still possible to read the entry, you just have to do some scrolling. Please let me know if any links don't work, and thanks for reading heart

And yes, I know it's not an 'essay,' but that's what the contest calls it. I'm just going along with it.

Kasumi Torisei

My declaration is not that I am superior to anyone in particular, but that I am simply superior. “To what?” you ask. I have overcome many strange and difficult obstacles, in real life and on Gaia. I’ve struggled with racial identity; I’ve struggled with Marketplace investments. I play bass guitar and flute, and I play Word Bump and Cards. I’ve sacrificed for my closest friends, and I’ve donated gold to Gaians. I do art. I make costumes. I may not be popular in real life, nor am I a prommie, but if you get to know me, I’m sure you would like me. I go against the mainstream, not because I’m desperate to stand out, but because that’s the kind of person I am. I believe that superiority starts with confidence and individuality, and I have both. And if that doesn’t convince you…I can make some damn good blueberry pancakes.

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Post: 24631231_2 created on Fri, 16 Mar 2007 02:51:06 +0000
Posted: Fri, 16 Mar 2007 02:51:06 +0000

Anyone?

Kasumi Torisei

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Post: 24631231_5 created on Fri, 16 Mar 2007 19:14:46 +0000
Posted: Fri, 16 Mar 2007 19:14:46 +0000

Bump

Lady Ariana The 13th

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Post: 24631231_6 created on Fri, 16 Mar 2007 22:33:34 +0000
Posted: Fri, 16 Mar 2007 22:33:34 +0000

In terms of grammar and flowing, you just pretty much listed all of the things you do in your spare time without flowing, but I understand that.

A lot of the stuff you've mentioned in making yourself superior isn't really all that special. I've donated gold before, I do art, and play with the marketplace. I can't play bass guitar or flute, but I do sing and I can play the piano.

I agree that individualism helps with superiority, but individualism itself does not make any superior to anyone else. Individualism should make us all equal actually...

Pancakes are nice, but I don't really like them. Waffles are better.

Hope some criticism helps

Kasumi Torisei

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Post: 24631231_7 created on Sat, 17 Mar 2007 01:34:08 +0000
Posted: Sat, 17 Mar 2007 01:34:08 +0000

I took the contest description for face value, when it says to explain "what makes you superior," without mentioning "to other people." I know I interpreted differently from everyone else, which is why I mentioned in the first sentence about being superior in general and not superior to anyone else.

I like waffles too, but I can only make frozen ones because I don't have a waffle iron.

I guess it's hard to see the deeper meaning of what I'm trying to say with only 150 words. I can do a hell of a lot more than what I listed, but I didn't have the words for it. I was trying to explain that I have varied hobbies and talents, and that I look average on the outside, but I'm really not. The only problem is that I can't seem to get people to understand my way of thinking...oh well.

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Post: 24631231_8 created on Sat, 17 Mar 2007 03:25:58 +0000
Posted: Sat, 17 Mar 2007 03:25:58 +0000

I understand. I didn't want to write something deep because it didn't feel like what the contest asked for. I take all of the essays in humor though most do not, there is quite a few nasty comments on mine rofl

Kasumi Torisei

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Post: 24631231_9 created on Sat, 17 Mar 2007 14:39:52 +0000
Posted: Sat, 17 Mar 2007 14:39:52 +0000

Lol, it's probably because you didn't mention that the essay was for GEW.

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Post: 24631231_10 created on Sat, 17 Mar 2007 17:22:05 +0000
Posted: Sat, 17 Mar 2007 17:22:05 +0000

That was the idea, it was to see what people really thought if it was a real essay. I wrote that it was for GEW two posts down so people who don't really read the thread wouldn't see it.

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