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Shouyin

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Post: 24525583_1 created on Tue, 13 Mar 2007 03:06:48 +0000
Posted: Tue, 13 Mar 2007 03:06:48 +0000

While, without succumbing to the wiles of self-enhancement and vanity, a brief explanation of my superiority over the dividualistic majority that populates this corner of the internet [you] seems impossible; here I am, ready and willing.

Firstly, as an intelligent youth, I am hardly lacking in confidence, zeal, nor the will to succeed in any endeavour. And while many possess such admirable traits, few have the capacity for fulfilling their aspirations.

Second case in point, if it isn't already obvious, I'm a better writer than you. While more suitable evidence lies within the archives of roleplay hangouts and English assignments, the fact remains that I am a young man more mentally capable of communicating my ideals than the average fellow. As such, when it comes time for me to defend said ideals, I will inevitably appear wiser and more convincing than any hotheaded adversary.

I dream, therefore I'm greater.

Half Wasian

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Post: 24525583_2 created on Tue, 13 Mar 2007 03:21:13 +0000
Posted: Tue, 13 Mar 2007 03:21:13 +0000

You definitely have quite a vast range of vocabulary, although you could articulate yourself better.

Shouyin

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Post: 24525583_3 created on Tue, 13 Mar 2007 03:24:24 +0000
Posted: Tue, 13 Mar 2007 03:24:24 +0000

Probably, but the contest included a constrictive word limit (150 max) considering the topic.

x_haphazard_x

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Post: 24525583_4 created on Tue, 13 Mar 2007 03:30:00 +0000
Posted: Tue, 13 Mar 2007 03:30:00 +0000

Hmm, I was going to say what I pompous b*****d you were for assuming that you alone have all these things, but because you're a part of this "contest" and are one of the contest entries that are popping up like mushrooms after rain, I shall not gratify this with more of an answer.

Shouyin

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Post: 24525583_5 created on Tue, 13 Mar 2007 03:37:34 +0000
Posted: Tue, 13 Mar 2007 03:37:34 +0000

lol, I didn't assume I was the only person with 'these things', just one of the few who could realize their dreams. = O

[.Raging Quiet.]

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Post: 24525583_6 created on Tue, 13 Mar 2007 03:47:56 +0000
Posted: Tue, 13 Mar 2007 03:47:56 +0000

xP

Well, it didn't convince me of you being superior, but that's because I have a problem thinking anyone I don't know to be superior to anyone else.

So y'see, it was through no fault of your own. ^_^

If you were in my English class, you would get a huge stamp on this paragraph that is a picture of a cow going to the restroom and says, "BS!"

You used pretty words to make it look pretty, while it all meant generally the same thing: you are superior.

But I quite liked it. xD

Except for this:

Quote:

Firstly, as an intelligent youth, I am hardly lacking in confidence, zeal, nor the will to succeed in any endeavour.

I don't think that nor is correct. I believe it should be or. Or maybe it should be and. Either way, it sounded awkward to me.

Good luck. ^_^

Shouyin

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Post: 24525583_7 created on Tue, 13 Mar 2007 03:50:39 +0000
Posted: Tue, 13 Mar 2007 03:50:39 +0000

lol, glad you enjoyed it.

I'm wondering 'bout that nor myself, but what's done is done, thanks for your comments. ^^"

Baethan Ascio

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Post: 24525583_8 created on Tue, 13 Mar 2007 04:03:56 +0000
Posted: Tue, 13 Mar 2007 04:03:56 +0000

I think "nor" was fine. Or maybe "or" would be better? OH GOD, NOW I'M ALL CONFUSED.
My opinion of your essay:
heart heart heart

Your obviously superior skill with words has made me ashamed to even attempt to explain the admiration I now have for you.

There are one or two things that could be improved on, though.
While, without succumbing to the wiles of self-enhancement and vanity, a brief explanation of my superiority over the dividualistic majority that populates this corner of the internet [you] seems impossible; here I am, ready and willing.
The semi-colon should be a comma. You may also want to change "here I am, ready and willing" to something less cliched, although it isn't necessary.

And while many possess such admirable traits, few have the capacity for fulfilling their aspirations.
I'm thinking "aspirations" is not quite the right word. "Potential" makes more sense. I would say "to fulfill" instead of "for fulfilling", but that could just be me.

As such, when it comes time for me to defend said ideals, I will inevitably appear wiser and more convincing than any hotheaded adversary.
I'm pretty sure that "said" is not actually a grammatically correct way to refer to something previously stated. Probably no one will question it, though.

I dream, therefore I'm greater.
There was so much awesomeness, and then... this. It's completely random and has a contraction in it. Horrors. If you do anything, get rid of this last sentence! It does no justice to your might and glory!

mooneii

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Post: 24525583_9 created on Tue, 13 Mar 2007 04:03:58 +0000
Posted: Tue, 13 Mar 2007 04:03:58 +0000

it might be "complicated" but it doesnt says much, actually it doesnt says anything relevant at all.

Shouyin

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Post: 24525583_10 created on Tue, 13 Mar 2007 04:19:00 +0000
Posted: Tue, 13 Mar 2007 04:19:00 +0000

Thanks for the appreciation Baethan, most of the mini essay's already been quoted now, and I've submitted it, so I can't make any of the suggested edits, but I'll certain keep a lot of that in mind for later. Especially that 'said' bit, because I use the word in that context fairly often.

You didn't like the last line though? D =

The contraction exists for the purpose of saving a word on the total count, but otherwise I needed something to take the place of a real conclusion, and there wasn't much I could say in that short little bit. I was trying to make a play on René Descartes' I think, therefore I am., but it was sort of iffy.

@ mooneii: If you're still around, mind explaining?

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