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Two more.

game start

In the flick of a wrist,
flip of a coin
Put in a vague machine,
Unknown what might spit itself out.

I'm getting feedback from the

theater screen

In spacey shoes,
I float fleets
of stairs down to an 'exit'

door.

Dream thief,
came in the night,
first I ran,
then turning to be the chaser.
going after something I
was engulfed in,
my home within home,
reach a crane down and
pick out a piece.
------------------------------------


Tributaries

Listening to
flurries of landscapes one day,
flipping through them successively

I started out

going back,

trying to recapture exact glimpses
of ones I especially adored,

twice.



Realizing this was in err,
I jumped into a river,
floating down tributaries,

got a bit carried away.

Though water invaded all holes,
my ears were still opened
to the scenery than ever before.
Or were they?
Head nearly submerged,
eyes with liquid covering,


I could not look back.


A river will carry its lovers away.
they may try to cling to its shore,
but once wrought,
are never such the same
virgins as ever
been, before.

Persocom


After all I thought I had
taught myself,
I still allowed it.
girl is made of
battery acid on a lonely night,
and still eats at my mind.

Skin flushed,
circuitry racing
with booze and nightlife,
Then later comes
the pale one
in the mirror,
still less of a ghost.

Continue to keep letting her
Tear away at those
Radiating wire arteries,
It’s not just about her,
Disconnecting us all.


There’s a
Pulsating circuit breaker
that keeps us going,

center point

of held life.
In this I fear of
becoming just like her.
abandoning that girl, though,
would be
throwing my own heart away.

Dreams will
never
have not
subsided.
Subconscious is smarter
than ever thought.

this fake hope,
it’s just as real as yours.
a she that never was,
and always will be.

the lying,
false twin may forever
entangle herself
within my mass.
The green wire,
The red wire,
Which one am I?
Explosions imminent.

To restart a heart,
Rewire it,
Is an operating system
we’ve yet to totally figure out.
Something that could create ghosts
Haunting ourselves.


She’s obscure
yet obscenely prominent,
hiding in the shadow,
a triangle
in the corner of the room.
Shadowed, safe.
Overcharged and overloaded.

I hate her.
I love her.

Thanks a bunch. biggrin

I liked them a lot, especially "Peacock Feather' for some reason. It was simple, but very nice to read.

I also referred you to a poetry guild I'm a part of. If you don't mind, of course, but I think your work would be a nice addition.

Any reason for the double spacing? If there isn't, I'd strongly suggest fixing it. They make it very hard to read.

Okay. Thanks for the comment. C:

The double-spaced ones were for a class I had, where all of our works had to be like that to count words/add commentary or editing advice easier. The format stayed on the ones from that document. I shall fix it.

Tributaries

Listening to
flurries of landscapes one day, You could cut the 'one day'.
flipping through them successively This makes sense with the next part, since you are recalling memories. But the flipping idea doesn't fit with the listening one.
Err...you might have interpreted it a little differently than I intended. I will have to work on making this message stronger/more compatible with other takes on it. The poem, underneath the metaphor and nature veils, was about listening to songs I already knew, ones that gave me essences of landscapes, going through them (flipping, in some cases)in the order that they were on CD. I will try another word here, though, yes.
I started out

going back,

trying to recapture exact glimpses
of ones I especially adored,

twice. =D One comment here: maybe you could choose your most effective linebreaks (in this whole poem) and cut the less important ones. It's a little distracting to me.Okay. I tend to worry about jumbling too much onto one line, making the flow sporadic, and end up doing a reverse problem... I will work on it. >.<



Realizing this was in err, So thinking about past lovers is wandering from the listening? So what? I thought you made a natural enough progression. You aren't convincing or interesting me here. It was about listening to the same songs I had already heard and loved, the error wasn't that I was wandering from listening to the same thing twice, because nothing is ever the same twice in the first place, even if not the song itself, my mindset and feelings at that moment. That's the concept I was trying to get at...I guess I'll have to make it less vague?
I jumped into a river,
floating down tributaries,

got a bit carried away.

Though water invaded all holes, Why invaded? Just curious. Always make your words work for you.The "virgin" metaphor on the last stanza, the concept of things never being exactly the same ever again.
my ears were still opened
to the scenery than ever before.
Or were they? I'd cut this line. What's its point?The concept I was also trying to fit in this earlier...that perception changes in a split second, and perhaps it only seemed better than ever because earlier had already flowed away.
Head nearly submerged,
eyes with liquid covering,


I could not look back.


A river will carry its lovers away.
they may try to cling to its shore,
but once wrought,
are never such the same
virgins as ever
been, before. This part here feels a little preachy and tacked-on. It seems like the story ended right before this stanza and this is just an epilogue. Endings should be the home run of the poem. I'd either cut this stanza or revamp it completely so its more dynamic. (And no, that doesn't mean add something to its beginning like "Then I realized..." wink It was a conclusion of the whole (unfortunately too vague?) concept I was working on throughout the story. I guess I just wasn't clear enough on it, and it was, pardon the pun, too far below the surface. Or maybe people just don't get it?