~NEW STORY~
Dear Simone,
You will not believe what just happened to me! I was like fully minding my own business, walking up Mt. Everest having just found the ultimate, most coolest, birthday present in the world for you ever. When suddenly a short, gray bearded man appeared from a puff of sawdust, holding an orange banana in one hand and an empty ice cube tray in the other. He demanded that for the good of the world, I was to hand over the ultimate, coolest birthday present which was soon to be yours. Of course I, being the simple minded person I am, did not comprehend such a cataclysmic event occurring, strapped on my pogo stilts and parachuted down the mountain to escape from him. However due to circumstances not outside that of my own fault, the parachute did not open and I fell to my death.
Well I would have, if coincidences weren't so ironic. For the icy valley I was falling into, had once been home to an ancient Mayan warrior, who practiced yoga every second Thursday with this guy, who knew about another guy, who had heard from his mother's second cousin, that the pope had blessed the very icy valley that I was falling into, on the account that his sister’s ex-boyfriend’s, gay lover’s cat’s previous owner had discovered a rip in the time-space continuum there! Plus, he really liked the pies the café made there.
So instead of falling into a well deserved yet dreadfully early death, I was transported back to the 14th century (during the witch burnings). This was really terrible luck for me, as I happened to be wearing my black cape and pointed hat. Not to mention carrying a broomstick and your super cool birthday present! So needless to say, I was tied to a stake and burnt to death. At least I would have been, if it hadn’t been for this ironically well timed, hurricane, which immediately blew out the fire which was about to engulf me. Perhaps even more ironically, the winds also uprooted the stake I was tied to, setting me free and killing the burning party. So I danced on their graves.
Sadly the celebration was prematurely cut short by a giant fireball, which fell from the sky and exploded into a million Jellyfish. One of the jellyfish latched onto my face and tried to kill me! However luckily, a passing disgruntled cat was carrying a shovel, so I asked to borrow it from him and began hitting the jellyfish with it until it detached itself from my face. However, once again not due to circumstances not outside that of my own fault, I hit myself in the face instead. When I came to, I was tied to an upside down tree by raspberry whips in the middle of a sea of sarsaparilla. I don’t know where this sea of sarsaparilla was, or how it was that I came to be there. I did however, curse that cat who lent me that shovel!
When tied to an upside down tree in the middle of a sarsaparilla sea, there are just some things you just don’t expect to see. So I was certainly taken by surprise when none other then the grey breaded man appeared in a paper mache boat, being rowed by a fluffy, yellow pig and blue faceless man. He offered to set me free and return me home, if I would only give him your birthday present. So as I tried to think of another way out of my situation which didn’t involve me giving away your ultimately cool birthday present, when it dawned on me that I no longer had it! So once again I cursed that disgruntled cat with the shovel! Realizing the seriousness of my situation, I kicked the grey bearded man in the face and set the termites free from my metal pocket, who then at the tree I was tired to. Once I was free, I stole the ore from the yellow fluffy pig and rowed away using the faceless man as a raft.
Once I had made it to dry land, I thanked the blue faceless man for his time and began to walk home. Realizing I did not know where I was, I made a bird whistle out of an old mans wooden leg and summoned a bird to assist me. If you’re wondering how it is I knew how to construct a bird whistle, I met a man at McDonalds with a frog in a pram, who offered to lend me his phone so I could ring a number that was listed in the paper, advertising books on the art of bird whistle whittling. So as I sat at the café waiting for one of my bird friends to arrive, I studied a map on the back of the guy who was sitting in front of me shirt, I recognized where I was. So once my bird friend had arrived, I caught him in a plastic bag and offered him the red haired bikey near the fruit bowl, in exchange for a ride home.
So Simone, I afraid this is why you did not receive a birthday present from me this year. However I’m sure you understand that it was not my fault and something’s are just unpredictable, not to mention unexplainable. However, I’m sure you enjoyed my heroic tale. Did I write tale? Because I meant explaintion, because all events were totally true and not fictional in away. So in short, Happy Birthday Simone.
With Love from your dear friend,
M.C
