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This isn't too long, granted it's just the intro... but I kinda wanna know what you guys think so far, so please comment and critique
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The Asa Chronicles Book 1-Uron Vs Omesa
Chapter 1((Omitted Intro, just figured it wasn't necessary, this is like the first 2 pages of Chapter 1 I expect at least 10-13 pages all togehter))



If you had the ability to help someone, the ability to save the lives of thousands, you would do it, wouldn't you? I thought so too. So why, when the time came, didn't I?



Ambros' body slammed into the ground, and once again he found himself defeated by his opponent.

"Damn it," he muttered under his breath.

“Get up,” his opponent said as he walked closer to his tired body on the cold marble floor. Ambros' hands clenched into fists as he stared frustrated at the reflections on the floors of the gilded room. What he saw was himself, dressed in white garb, straggly blond hair in a mess around his face, sweating and pale from the fight and lying defeated on his stomach on the floor. His opponent stood tall, tan with broad shoulders, also wearing the same white garb, long black hair in a braid flowing down his back. The difference between them, in most aspects was not physical, but the one standing was confident and triumphant whilst his adversary lay defeated and angry.

“Why don't you just finish me off already, Kerian?” Ambros pouted.

“Why don't you just join the drama class?” Kerian asked in return.

“Well, I would. But you see, I'm a terrible actor,” Ambros replied as he rolled onto his back.

“Oh I beg to differ, you're quite the drama queen,” Kerian laughed.

“Shut up and help me out here. I can't be late for History again,” Ambros held up his hand.

"Oh right, well if you weren't always messing around before class you'd be fine. Aside from that, it's gotten you nowhere. Leslie doesn't share the same affections for you as you do her," Kerian said as he walked over to Ambros and helped him up to his feet.

“And I suppose you would have better luck?” Ambros inquired.

“I'm a winner, what can I say?”

“You can't win them all, Kerian.”

“I know that, but today I'll win a few,” Kerian said as he turned and began to walk away. Ambros shook his head. He was realizing that Kerian was getting to a dangerous point, where he was becoming not only cocky but a little hotheaded.

“Maybe you just need some cooling down,” he said in a low voice as he walked slowly behind Kerian with a ball of liquid slowly forming in the palm of his hand.

Master Sojin was merely passing by the sparring room when he heard a ruckus coming from inside. He paused for a moment at the large double doors. Newcomers often stared at those doors, large, three times the size of a tall man and beautifully engraved with elegant designs hand-carved by artists into solid gold. Master Sojin, however, ignored the beautiful surroundings about him. The shiny white marble floors, the lengthy columns, the gilded walls did not phase him, not anymore. He cared not what the appearance was, though magnificent; he cared only for what happened within those magnificent walls.

Master Sojin could hear two voices from the room, and furthermore he recognized them. The voices belonged to Kerian Armand and Ambros Terran, the two star pupils of his academy. He sighed however, as he had probably missed a very interesting match for he knew once the talking began that the fighting was over. What a shame, he had begun to think. But only a half a moment later, he was not so disappointed.

From the room came the noise of splashing water, and Kerian's voice came quite angrily after that. Strangely enough, Kerian did not speak for long before the sound of a flame bursting to life appeared followed by Ambros' screaming. Another splash of water, and Kerian laughing aloud came before the two large doors began to open. Master Sojin stepped back to see an interesting sight.

Hiss eyebrow rose at the sight of the two boys, drenched in water. By their expressions it was clear that they were a little surprised by his presence. The two were quick to show their respect to their superior and bow; however, they bowed a little too hard and ended up splashing him a bit.

“Well, it's good to see you two are training hard. Ambros, I notice that your sparring outfit has been burnt... again,” Master Sojin said as he wiped the water off his face with the long white sleeve of his robe.

Master Sojin was an elderly man; he had wrinkles, and a very gray almost white beard. His eyes were always squinted because he constantly smiled creating more creases and wrinkles in his face. He used a staff to walk, and dressed in large robes that often made him look diminutive. But there was still something about him that exuded brilliance and strength. He was the headmaster of Uron's Academy of the Asas, a training school for those gifted with powers from the gods. He stood now, a little wet, in front of his two soaking wet and slightly burnt star pupils.
The elemental thing is a bit overdone. Your description of action/fighting is awkward and hard to follow. the part where you mention the seals and their purpose...that's unnecessary. don't tell us, instead find a way to show us what the seals do. IN fact, i bet most people may not even have to be told what the seals do. Worst comes to worst, just have a character mention it, though it might be difficult considering the characters will most likely already know this and have no reason to mention it.

the dialogue is tolerable, though it does sometimes get predictable and cliche. I think you do a decent job of showing Asa's character, though it does fall a bit flat for the other guy. Neither of them have any kind of extremely distinguishing personalities at this point, however.

This isn't bad, it's just a bit lacking. If you can spice it up a bit, and take out any of the parts that sort of drag (like various interruptions of the action with dialogue that isn't particularly witty or doesn't further the plot OR help characterize the characters much) then I think it could be better.
Scratches out most of the entire thing. Hahaha... yes, I find it difficult to write action scenes... which uh, this was sorta supposed to be. I liked my first intro better, that got straight to the point...without all the unnecessary stuff, so maybe I should've stuck to that one. But... I dunno O_o;; Also, uh... asas are a race, not the characters, the two said characters are Ambros and Kerian <.<;; just uh... thought I'd point that out. RawR. I shtuck at explaining this stuff... >.<;; Guess I'm just gonna need to do some more revising, and figure out a way to slide in the background story of all this.
Just to let you guys know, I've edited my story and pretty much omitted that entire scene...
6GeMiNi9
Just to let you guys know, I've edited my story and pretty much omitted that entire scene...


Then post it...
I did... eek It's uh... in the first post. O_o;; I just removed the old one.
ooooh I like this much better. The dialogue is great. I think it's interesting how you just cut the fight and went directly to the interaction afterwards. I think that was clever. It's much more engaging and interesting, and you found a much better way of introducing the charas and info about them. I think when you introduce Master Sojin it starts getting a little weak. If he's ignoring the doors, it doesn't seem like the right place to add the description of them. Maybe just go ahead and describe it without adding the part about him not noticing them...it just feels a little contradictory. The action happening in this part becomes a little jumbled, in between describing what's going on and telling us all about them. Some of the sentences are awkward but I think it's because it sounds like it's in the passive voice...i have trouble with that sometimes, so I might be wrong about it, but the description still sounds a little of somehow. I think you're just telling us too much, which contrasts with the fun interaction of the first half.

Great job, I wanna see more, and I feel like your world and setting is getting more interesting as I keep reading.
It was interesting. I got a good idea of what the characters are like, even though they do seem a bit typical of their elements.

Sometimes your sentences sounded like they wanted to tell a bit too much. It's okay to have shorter sentences in between the long ones. Also, I have this whole thing about adjectives; if you can avoid them, then do it. Same with adverbs, actually. But the adverbs didn't blare in my face like the adjectives did.

I liked how the Master guy ignored the intricate building. It was realistic, because if someone was in a building every day, no matter how gorgeous it was, they probably wouldn't think much of it. Too many people do the opposite.

A couple things about that last paragraph; first of all, I thought it odd that you explained what he looked like then of all places. There wasn't a whole lot of leading into it, and also, there you started with him as the subject in every sentence. Though some of the stuff your Language Arts teacher tells you is crap, the idea of varying how your sentences start is a good one.

Keep going. The worst thing you can do to a story, even if it's completely butchered, is leave it abandoned in a word file.

Good luck!
Oh yes, thanks for the feed back, I'll edit that... somehow, some way. I didn't really 'end' it there persay, I'm sort of still working on it. O_o;; and... I guess this is part two... or something...

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“My apologies, Master Sojin,” said Ambros as he stood straight up. Kerian too stood up with nearly perfect posture.

“Oh, don't worry about it boys. I'm always happy to see our students taking their training seriously. However, I'm afraid that I need to go now; I've a very important appointment that I must keep. Well then, I'm sure your lunch hour is over now and you must be getting to class. One word of advice before I go, if you're going to skip lunch to spar, at least tell Professor Lariche that was what you were up to, and that's why you need to sneak food into his classroom,” and with that, Master Sojin turned and walked away, chuckling softly.

Seeing that the headmaster was long gone, Kerian took the opportunity he had as he and Ambros walked to history class together, and smacked Ambros in the back of the head.

“OW! What the hell was that for?!” Ambros yelled incredulously.

“For being an idiot,” Kerian said glaring at him.

“Hey, need I remind you whose hair is now burnt?! Why get a haircut when you've got a friend who can burn all your hair off for you?!” Ambros retorted. “And look! I've got to get my clothes fixed again! I swear the tailor is making a freaking fortune off of my sparring clothes alone! This is totally your fault.”

“Excuse me...” Kerian said as he stopped and squeezed out more water from his shirt. “Now then, you were saying?”

“Never mind...” Ambros said returning Kerian's glare.

“That's what I thought. Anyways, do you want to head over to the cafeteria and grab some food? I know the halflets are having their lunch hour at the moment, I don't think anyone would even notice us.”

“Okay, why not? I mean, I'm pretty hungry.”

Without further due the two friends walked over to the cafeteria, and entered to realize that the halflets had already grabbed their food and taken their seats, so conveniently enough there was no line.

“Alright, it should be easy enough to get our food and get out without much notice at all then, what luck we've got,” Ambros said as he headed towards the serving area where all the food was held and monitored by teachers.

Kerian looked around as if he was reminiscing about something pleasant in the past. He could remember being a single quad student, and only the year before he and Ambros were double quads a.k.a. halflets. This year they were tri-quad students, and in the next year they would be plenary students.

He thought back to the first year that he came to the academy and the first time walking into this cafeteria. He remembered thinking about how large the place was and how much light poured into the room for the large windows that lined the entirety of the room and how beautiful it looked at night when dinner was being served and the stars were seen through the roof which was made of glass. The beautiful marble floors that went throughout the school and the columns that held the structure high made the room into a ballroom when formals were held and the serving tables were removed. The white velvet curtains that were tied back now with golden tassels were let down when the sun shined too bright, and sometimes you could find a random couple making out underneath them at formals. Kerian smiled upon the memory and realized how fast time had gone by. His thoughts were interrupted by a familiar voice however that shifted his thoughts back to reality.

“Kerian, hey! You there! Are you there?” Ambros' voice rang.

“What?” Kerian asked, a little shaken.

“What the heck? Anyways, we've got to get going, so hurry up.”

“Oh, sorry... I guess I just zoned out.”

“Well, that's okay. I was having trouble deciding if I should have the soup or a sandwich. I chose soup because, it's still hot,” Ambros smiled.

“Now, tell me again why I care?”

“You're going to make us late... uh, later. So hurry up.”

“Yeah, yeah... I think I'll take the-”

“KERIAN, AMBROS!” someone shouted voice from behind Kerian and Ambros. The two jumped in surprise, and unfortunately for Ambros his soup was still in hand.

“AHH!” Ambros screamed as the scalding hot soup spilled onto his chest.

“Oops, sorry!” said the one behind the two.

Kerian turned around to find a short girl that stood to his chin standing behind them. She had short brown hair tied up in high ponytail, and for some reason she had her hands on her hips and she was tapping her foot. Her eyebrows were furrowed and her dark golden eyes seemed to pierce into Kerian and Ambros.

“Serene, look what you did. I mean, it was quite comical and all, but still,” Kerian admonished.

“I said I was sorry. Besides, you guys were supposed to be in history anyways! What are you doing here? I had to run from Professor Lariche's class all the way to here to find you!” Serene said sounding quite agitated.

“...that, was so freaking HOT!” Ambros yelled emphasizing each word.

“So much for not getting noticed...” Kerian rolled his eyes as he saw the mass of students eating turning to look at them and a few teachers turning their heads in their direction.

“Get over it, there are more important things at hand,” Serene said in turn.

“I think you just gave him a really bad burn though...” Kerian said.

“Excuse me, are his sparring clothes burnt again?” Serene asked sarcastically.

“Would everyone just get off my back about that?”

“Anyways... Serene, I'm over it,” Ambros said not convincingly. “But do you mind telling us why you nearly busted our eardrums and made me spill scalding hot soup all over myself?” Ambros asked.

“Why are you so calm all of a sudden?” Kerian asked a little surprised.

“Why? Because water... is a good thing,” Ambros replied. Looking down, Ambros� hand was on his chest and there was water pouring from his palms onto his chest.

“That's... kind of disturbing,” Serene said squinting her eyes a bit.

“Yes, yes it is. And do you realize you're getting the floor wet?” Kerian asked.

“Do you realize that I don't care?”

“Yeah, back to you Serene,” Kerian said evading the subject of Ambros' cooling 'technique'.

“You two are supposed to go see Master Sojin, apparently it's urgent,” Serene answered.

“We just saw him less than a few minutes ago; what could be so important?” Kerian asked.

“Like I know? Look, we all know Master Sojin is a very busy and important man, and I wouldn't waste mine or his time... so both of you, get going!” Serene said as she ran behind them and pushed them out of the cafeteria and into the hallway.

“You know, we have feet, and last I checked we knew how to use them,” Ambros said slightly vexed.

“Okay, then use them now,” Serene said, again with her hands on her hips and her foot tapping.

“So small, yet she is so damned...” Kerian began.

“I can hear you,” Serene yelled behind them.

“Okay, I say we just go... because uh, I don't want to have to deal with that.”

“Right, for once you've got a good idea, Ambros,” Kerian laughed.

“Shut up.”

Before long, and almost in a flash Kerian and Ambros were standing before a large set of doors. Two guards stood outside, which Kerian and Ambros found quite unusual.

“Must be really important,” Kerian said shrugging his shoulders.

“Right...” Ambros said as the two guards opened the large doors that led to the magnificent room that belonged to Master Sojin.
That last part was pages 3-5 or something... these are all parts of the same chapter, so they kind of need to be read together.
So I'd really like to know what you all think of the second part? It's only a part of a chapter, if this seems long... it's not even halfway over.
I like it I like it...
Firstly, if thats you in your picture, you are very very pretty,
Secondly, the story,

I like it alot, the dialogue is witty, and very engaging, and I do like the clever way of describing the character, presumably the main character. I think it might be nice however, if a description of where they are, or why they are doing what they are doing, basically a synopisis of sorts, or if not, you could, and I know your able to do this, help the reader discover this through a relevent scene or so.
Not too shabby! lol

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I like. Alot.
This is a really good story. I definitely want to read more of it. There were a few spelling errors i.e. anyways (it isn't actually a word) but i'm just being really picky(at home i get hammered for saying anyways or opposed to rolleyes ) keep on posting biggrin

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