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Dangerous Bookworm


This is the background story for my RP character Ao-sagi from The Official Geisha Guild. The story is set in ficticious japan. Since english is my second language, I thought I best present it to the critical eye of the forians here. The story is unfinished so far, I will edit this post as I progress... unless I get smothered in rotten tomatoes, that is. xp Many thanks in advance, have fun reading!

Note: Finished the story today (Dec. 6th)



The Herons Flight

The golden harvest moon rode low in the sky, almost skimming the tops of the tallest pinetrees, or so it seemed. Bathed in its gentle illumination, the priestess Amaya set out to pay the nightly tribute to the Lady of Yata-no-tsukino, the moon-mirror lake. The lantern in her left hand was unlit to indicate her confidence in the guiding light. In her right hand, she held a bunch of yellow ginkgo-leaves, upon which she had written the kanji of her prayers as an offering to the Lady.

Treading softly on the stones that formed a path to the small circular mountain lake, she chanted her prayers. When she reached the water's rim, she stepped upon the large, gently ridged stone that protruded out of the lake like the head of a fish skimming the surface for food. Grandfather-great-carp, the stone was called. There she knelt, gently chanting, and slowly lowered the ginkgo leaves to the still surface of the pond.

As soon as the leaves touched it, a drift appeared to carry them to the middle of the pond, just where the reflection of the moon shone brightly in the water. Small ripples appeared as the leaves danced round and round the glowing disk, sinking down one by one: small golden dancers swirling gracefully to the inky depths of the water.

The offering had been accepted. Amaya smiled, touching her forehead to the stone in reverence before she scooped up some water with her hand. The tears of the moon tasted fresh and cool.

She sighed and thanked the spirit of the lake for accepting her once more.
Lost in her thought, she let her feet find their way down and around the hill.

There should have been a ceremony to make her a priestess of the Yata-no-tsukino shrine.
A sacred rite in which the secrets of the cult were laid open to her, a formal sealing of the pact between priestess and spirit...

Instead, she had knelt beside the sickbed of the former priest, trying to make sense of his feverish ramblings as he desperately tried to pass on the knowledge to his only miko. Too soon, he had died.

But the spirit of the lake had accepted her, and all her doubts had subsided. The soul of the old priest was at peace. She smiled as she remembered how his ashes had drifted across the lake, sparkling in the moonlight, forming a glowing path as they glided to the centre.



---------------------tbc-------------------------------

Dangerous Bookworm

Well, its me again. I've written the next part of the story, enjoy!


The Herons Flight Part Two

Amaya heard the commotion long before the torii of the shrine came into sight. The voice of a man rang loudly in the silence of the night, and there was the sound of fists banging against wood. Immediately, she sprinted down the narrow path as fast as she could. Somebody in the village down the valley must have become sick, or there had been an accident. She prayed to the lady that they needed her as a healer rather than as a priest.

She rounded the corner and dashed trough the gate. There, in the courtyard, she discovered a riderless horse with foam-flecked breast and neck. It had wandered off to the chozuya where it drank deeply, bridles dangling in the sacred water. Its rider stood at at the living quarters of the shrine. He fervently banged at the door, a dark bundle clutched to his chest.

She knew that man. Her heart clenched in anticipation. It was Shouta, her nephew and childhood companion. Memories came rushing back as she stood paralyzed for a moment.

Ao-sagi -bluebird-longshanks- was the nickname he had given her, teasing her for the long limbs and grey eyes that resembled the large heron of the lakes. Kitsune, fox-demon, she had called him in return for the mischievious glint in his eyes, the unruly mahagony hair and the may pranks he did. Live frogs in the tofu jar, a bucket filled with a sticky mixture of mud and rice-powder perched on the shutters of her window, waiting to come down, the list just went on and on.

As children, they had been inseparable, roaming the countryside.

He was always the elder, the bolder, the adventurer. She was the faithful sidekick. When he was ten and she was eight, he was the one to leave for the court of the warlord Morijama, she stayed behind. He was to be trained as a yojimbo, a bodyguard. She went to become a plain and boring miko, a hand-maiden of the shrine...

Every harvest moon, Shouta came down from the hills, where the Morijama dwelled, to help with the harvest, and went back there when the first snow fell. As soon as he left, she counted the days for him to return again.

When she was nine, Sho, the guji of the shrine, taught her miko-mai, the ceremonial dance. Shouta let her ride his horse Grasshopper when he returned.

When she was twelve, Sho taught her to read and write and made her recite the shinto scriptures until she knew them by heart. Shouta read her haiku and sang frivolous songs from the court.

When she was fourteen, Sho showed her the use and the making of ofuda, the warding sigils against the many kinds of oni. Shouta taught her to throw knives.

When she was sixteen, Sho introduced her to the art of healing with herbs and prayer. Shouta broke her nose.

She had clutched at her bleeding face, heart racing with shock after his bokken had accidentally hit her hard during a sparring fight, and was dimly aware that he had put his arms around her, trying to help... Upon reflection, it was then that she fell in love with him.

When she was seventeen, Sho, who felt his health failing, revealed more and more secrets of the cult of the lady to his only student. Shouta did not come.

It was then that she began to have dreams of Shoutas return. Childish dreams in which he proudly rode up to the shrine on Grasshopper, asking for her hand in marriage... he never returned.

Four years later, when Sho died, she had forbidden herself to dream of Shouta. Every harvest moon, she would dream nonetheless...

...but never in her dreams had he looked so dishevelled, twigs in his hair and mud on his hakama. And never in her dreams had there been deep lines of sorrow and anxiety etched into his face. Somehow he noticed her presence from the corner of his eyes and whipped around, grabbing the hilt of his katana in the process. He looked awkward, hampered by the bundle he was carrying. As he saw her, the tension left him with a sigh. His knees buckled, and he heavily leaned back to the door. His head drooped until the bangs covered his eyes.

"Ao-sagi... Ao-chan... I have done... questionable things."


The Herons Flight Part Three


The words fell like stones in the still of the night. Then there was silence. Amayas own, quickened breath, the rush of blood in her ears and the jingle of the horses bridles echoed in her mind. Her own thoughts she could not hear.

Shouta turned his back to her, shielding the bundle from her sight. As he turned, she caught a glimpse of a lighter shade buried in the dark blue of the wrapping cloth.

Over his shoulder, Shouta spoke again: "I need... where is Sho?"

"Dead. Last year." He turned again, and she saw his eyes widen in shock at her blunt statement. His gaze wandered over her, for the first time really taking in what he saw: a priestess, not a miko.

"You..."

At this moment, she knew. Like a forgotten dream suddenly remembered in another dream, she knew. Amaya stepped up to the stranger that once was her childhood friend and reached out for the bundle.

"Give me the baby", she said simply, then took the burden from his unresisting hands. It was a tiny newborn wrapped in a makeshift blanket that had once been a fine silken obi. Its face appeared waxen in the light of the lantern hanging above the entrance. It was barely alive.

"Open the door", she commanded, as she briskly turned from the living quarters and walked up to the sanctum of the shrine.

She kept the ceremony to an absolute minimum. There was some leftover ink from that nights ritual, and the scroll of the temple register was swiftly opened and unrolled before the simple bronze bowl that represented the Lady of the shrine.

"Tell me the name.", she said as she dipped her brush into the inkwell.

"Tsubasa. His name is Tsubasa." Shoutas voice was soft, almost a sigh.

She wrote the name into the register.

"Tsubasa", she whispered in the babys ear. "Ujiko Tsubasa. Named child Tsubasa. We are kami. We know your name. We know you. We will know your spirit when the time has come."

It was done. This child would not become a hungry ghost as long as the name prevailed in the shrine. It was all that she could do.

Ayame carefully lifted the small bundle and gathered it in her arms.

"I will take him to the Lady", the priestess said as she walked past Shouta, who was kneeling on the floor with his face buried in his hands. Behind her, she heard him shuffle to his feet. Faltering steps followed her to the doors of the shrine, then stopped. She walked on.

At the torii, Amaya turned to look back. Her eyes met Shoutas sad gaze from the dark of the temple entrance. She knew he would stay there, staring at the gate, waiting, waiting... but not for her. The echoes of iron-shod hooves sounded from the valley below. She tightly clutched her burden and ran.

When she reached the rim of the lake, she fell to her knees, out of breath, shocked by the sight of the sacred water: The whole surface was shrouded in mojimi -red maple leaves- glistening black in the moonlight. She bowed her head and sobbed. There were no maple trees on the hill of Yata-no-tsukino.

With her finger, she pushed some leaves under and lifted a single drop of water to the babys mouth. The tiny lips were gray and cold. It was dead.

When the samurai of Morijama reached the lake with blood-stained swords, they found the body of the b*****d son of Toshiba Shouta there. They took the bundle with them and watched it burn on the pyre side by side with the corpse of beautiful Mizuki, the Lady Morijama.
Some of the men said that they saw a blue heron rise from the edge of the lake and fly away over the hill that night.
Nobody ever saw the priestess of Yata-no-tsukino again.
I like the lack of spoken text throughout the story, very captavating. Kept me interested, anyway. If you can utilize that through most of the story, that would be interesting to see played out.

Dangerous Bookworm

Black-Mana
I like the lack of spoken text throughout the story, very captavating. Kept me interested, anyway. If you can utilize that through most of the story, that would be interesting to see played out.


There will be some verbal interaction between Amaya and Shouta, but, as in normal conversation, a lot of things will be said without words. I will also have the reader guessing a bit about what happened to Shouta...

BTW: I'm so glad you reviewed! Thank you!

Eloquent Phantom

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Hm, this is quite lovely. I like it. But it has some problems.

Let's start with the good parts.

I really like the "her growing up," bits. Especially the parallel structures of the sentences whereas Sho does something; then Shouta does something. That is quite lovely. I love the Japanese terms, although they make me smirk when the definition comes right after them, and I did like the names of the rocks and the lake in the first section.

Now, for one of the issues:

Passive voice is the bane of every writer; it's an albatross around our necks and it will only serve to drag thee down. The passive voice is when we use a gerund (an -ing verb) when a perfectly strong and active verb would do. It changes the entire mood of a piece from one that the reader is just observing, into something they're a part of.

Allow me to do a treatment of one section:

Quote:
Rounding the corner and dashing trough the gate, she discovered a horse in the courtyard of the shrine, riderless, with foam-flecked breast and neck. It had wandered off to the chozuya with dangling bridles, drinking deeply from the sacred water, forgotten by its rider who was banging fervently at the door to the living quarters of the shrine, a dark bundle clutched to his chest.


My version:

She rounded the corner and dashed through the gate; there, in the courtyard, she discovered a horse. Riderless, its breast and neck foam-flecked. The creature had wandered off to the choyza, bridles dangling, and it drank deeply from the sacred water. The rider banged fervently at the door of the living quarters. Ayame spied a dark bundle clutched to his chest.

I could have done better, but I didn't want to munge the original text too much. Reasons for some of my changes:

"Riderless, its breast and neck foam-flecked." This is straight-up problematic, and a little fragmentary. But it's also a fragmentary glance, a half-seen image that gives us the instant appraisal of the horses state: it's winded, foamy, and obviously overridden. The fragment gives the impression that this is a snap-observation by Ayame. Thou could possibly use a colon here before "riderless" to mitigate the fragment--it's a style decision how to handle it, really.

I cut "forgotten by its rider," why? Well, because if the horse is down and drinking sacred water, its bridles akimbo, someone has neglected some duty--the reader has already gotten this: we don't need to tell them again.

Now take a look. I've basically changed almost every gerund activity verb "rounding the corner, dashing through the gate, banging at the door," into a verb that is alive and thumping. No longer "he was banging" instead "he banged!"

There are other components that can probably also be made better, they involve showing instead of telling, but I suppose that the descriptive brush is learned with time and experience.

As for storyline. This seems a lovely story. I'm interested, I'm smiling... I'm wondering what's going on.
Ao-sagi!!! I like his changes, but I think that the riderless portion should still be a part of the first sentence. The fragmentation, while often a wonderfully abstract perspective, is ultimately lost when the beginning of the sentence is so contrasted to the end of its predecessor. The style can stay, but it should integrate into the rest of the text smoother. Readers enjoy alternate perspectives, but can become frustrated when that perspective requires them to abruptly stop the story's progression through their mind. And don't worry, English is my second language too, so I'd be glad to help you with any revisions. Awesome story though!

...Geisha ROCK!!!! pirate

Dangerous Bookworm

Dear Hawthorne, thank you very much for the thorough and kind review. I have just put up the last part of the story and smoothed the rough edges a little. There are still some issues I have to fix, and I will do that as soon as I have the time.

Hawthorne

I love the Japanese terms, although they make me smirk when the definition comes right after them, and I did like the names of the rocks and the lake in the first section.


Yes, I know this is awkward, but to a reader who does not know the terms, it would be confusing. I could probably scratch the japanese, but I do not have the heart to do it...

Quote:

Passive voice is the bane of every writer; it's an albatross around our necks and it will only serve to drag thee down. The passive voice is when we use a gerund (an -ing verb) when a perfectly strong and active verb would do. It changes the entire mood of a piece from one that the reader is just observing, into something they're a part of.


Thank you for pointing that out. The bane of amateur german writers like me is to construct long, winding sentences with the only verb preferrably at the very end of them. I tried hard to avoid that, but it is still noticable. That is probably also the reason why I use the gerund so much.

Quote:

My version:

She rounded the corner and dashed through the gate; there, in the courtyard, she discovered a horse. Riderless, its breast and neck foam-flecked. The creature had wandered off to the choyza, bridles dangling, and it drank deeply from the sacred water. The rider banged fervently at the door of the living quarters. Ayame spied a dark bundle clutched to his chest.


Hmmm... what do you think of this:

She rounded the corner and dashed trough the gate. There, in the courtyard, she discovered a riderless horse with foam-flecked breast and neck. It had wandered off to the chozuya where it drank deeply, bridles dangling in the sacred water. Its rider stood at at the living quarters of the shrine. He fervently banged at the door, a dark bundle clutched to his chest.

Quote:

There are other components that can probably also be made better, they involve showing instead of telling, but I suppose that the descriptive brush is learned with time and experience.


Thank you again, I will try to keep that in mind... although I have to admit that I will always be better with a real brush and watercolours than with ink and paper... wink

Dangerous Bookworm

Sapphire Lotus
Ao-sagi!!! I like his changes, but I think that the riderless portion should still be a part of the first sentence. The fragmentation, while often a wonderfully abstract perspective, is ultimately lost when the beginning of the sentence is so contrasted to the end of its predecessor. The style can stay, but it should integrate into the rest of the text smoother. Readers enjoy alternate perspectives, but can become frustrated when that perspective requires them to abruptly stop the story's progression through their mind. And don't worry, English is my second language too, so I'd be glad to help you with any revisions. Awesome story though!

...Geisha ROCK!!!! pirate


Thank you for the review, Lotus, and I am glad you liked it. I tried to make the story better, but I am not sure if I succeeded. I also hope that the ending was not too lame...

BTW: What is your first language? Mine is german. smile
Well my first language was Japanese, so I tended to put the subject first and use overly elaborate verb patterns. I like the revise, and as far as Japanese terms go, it's pretty acceptable to just italicize them and leave the translation up to the reader.

Eloquent Phantom

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The final treatment of that paragraph is excellent.

Now, just do that anytime a scene needs to be actively portrayed and thou'll have the scenecraft made.

It might just be a good method to keep in mind when rewriting for the second draft.

Dangerous Bookworm

Hawthorne
The final treatment of that paragraph is excellent.

Now, just do that anytime a scene needs to be actively portrayed and thou'll have the scenecraft made.

It might just be a good method to keep in mind when rewriting for the second draft.


Thank you. I made some touch-ups and minor changes, but a total revision sounds very promising... I will try that once I get around to it. Meanwhile, I would be glad to hear of any sugestions regarding the end of the story... it felt a bit lame to me.

Dangerous Bookworm

Half a year later, I have come back and wrote a revision (in-line).
Changed some passages, but on the whole, it is the same...

Edit: I decided to add my introductory posts in the Geisha Guild in strory form, too. Enjoy!


~*~ Somewhere in one of the numerous okiyas of the Hanamachi of Kyoto ~*~

"...and first I want you to thoroughly scrub all wooden floorboards of the lower floor and then polish them with wax." said the elder maid piling a wooden bucket, a bar of soap, a brush, two pieces of cloth -one coarse, one smooth- and a small can of wax into the arms of Ao-sagi.
"The pump is in the outer yard. Any questions?"
Ao-sagi swallowed, then nodded. "No."
"Good. On your way, then."

Everything that happened up until then had been a blur. Ao-sagi could scarcely believe that someone had taken her in and given her work...
Now she was kneeling on the wooden floor, scrubbing her way from the back of the corridor to the front, trying to ignore the clenching of her empty stomach.
She had not eaten for how long? Neither did she know, nor did it matter. The pinewood-and-beeswax-smell of the floorboards delightfully mixed with the fragrance of flowers from the multitude of vases and ikebana-arrangements in the house. Brightly coloured scrolls hung from the walls, giving the rooms a friendly and open atmosphere.
"It smells like home...", she thought. "Wherever that was..."

So absorbed was she in her task that Ao-sagi did not notice her surroundings until a pair of white tabi socks and the hem of a brown kimono entered her line of sight.
Startled, she looked up into the face of the elderly mother of the okiya.
"Ah, the new maid... let?s take a closer look at you!", said the imposing lady with a stern expression on her regal features, slowly extending her hand to cup the chin of the kneeling Ao-sagi, lightly tilting her face left and right.
"Hm, fair skin, large eyes, shapely mouth... but that nose", a small frown of distaste wrinkled the mothers brow. Ao-sagis hand had shot up halfway in an attempt to cover her face, now hovering in midair. Her nose was rather long and slightly askew from being broken once, though she could not say when and how that had happend. She was now blushing and sweating profusely. As soon as the hand left her chin, she looked down in shame.
"And what is this supposed to be?" The mother had circled her halfway in appraisal, now lifting Ao-sagis long braid by the tip.
"You will wear a proper hairdo in this household, anything else will just not do. And we also need to find a replacement for that sack you are wearing!"
Then the flat end of the okaa-sans fan hit Ao-sagis shoulderblade.
"And you will also not hunch! Keep your back straight! I will not find you stooping ever again, understood? If you have to appear smaller than you are, bend your knees." Finally finished with her inspection, the elder lady turned to leave.
"And before you go on with your duties I want you to get yourself something to eat in the kitchen. Immediately."
"H-h-hai, okaa-san!"
Ao-sagi heaved a silent sigh of relief when the mother of the okiya finally left. At least she had not thrown her out again....

A comfortable warmth was spreading in Ao-sagis stomach, and at once everything seemed to be brighter and more colorful than before. She had thankfully devoured everything that the cook had piled into her bowl after she had relayed the okiya mothers order. The food was superb, and she had practically cleared the kitchen of any leftovers from the day before.

"Lunch will be served in two hours.", said the cook, similing at the ravenous appetite and the capacity of the beanpole of a maid.
"Could you help me with the preparations once your other task is done?"
Ao-sagi jumped up as fast as her full stomach permitted, almost knocking over the crockery on the table in the process. "Of course. I'll hurry!" She placed bowl, chopsticks and teacup in the large sink of the kitchen, making a mental note that the dishes had to be done and rushed back to her cleaning task.

Tears were streaming down Ao-sagis face in small rivulets and no amount of blinking seemed to clear her blurry vision. She craned her neck to rub her face against the furled sleeve of her samue, the same one the okiya mother had referred to as sack. This seemed to help a bit and so she went on with her task.
Those onions sure did a number on her eyes. Slicing and dicing the recalcitrant bulbs with her chopping knife, she surveyed the pile of vegetables on the table. Next to be prepared for the meal was the horseradish for the wasabi-paste. Which meant more tears. She sighed.

The ruddy cheeked cook had relieved Ao-sagi of the onions and the horseradish and was now busyly bending over the giant wok that was sitting proudly on the stove while the maid had taken shiitake mushrooms from a wattled basket and washed them.
She was slicing them on the chopping board when she spotted something moving on the floor. Her head shot around in alarm so fast that she nearly cricked her neck. A small grey shape scuttled hastily over the kitchen floor, disappearing into a crack in the corner of the room.
"What is the matter, dear?", said the cook who had noticed her jump.
"I am sorry, I thought I saw a mouse." replied Ao-sagi.
"Ah yes, those pests are getting bolder every day! I wished we had a good mouser in the okiya, but okaa-san said...", the cook prattled on while Ao-sagi turned to the mushrooms again. And looked around in confusion.
"Where is my knife?", she thought. She had it in her hand just moments before, and now it seemed to have disappeared. Finally she discovered the missing implement stuck in the floorboards, quivering lightly, just where she had spotted the mouse earlier. She glanced over her shoulder, and, seeing the cook busy with the stove, hastily stooped down to retrieve the knife.
"Kami, how did that happen?", she thought, wiping the knife clean on her sleeve, determined to go on with her task as if nothing had happened. She did not notice the tiny patch of gray fur that had stuck to the blade and now clung to her samue.

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