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Post: 11148413_1 created on Sun, 27 Nov 2005 17:39:25 +0000
Posted: Sun, 27 Nov 2005 17:39:25 +0000

Ladies and Gents-

This is Exercise 1 of the Imagery series. We're going to play with imagery a little, now that we've battled and grasped (hopefully) what imagery is, and how it encompasses extended metaphor, simile, etc. If you aren't clear on this poetic device called imagery, please read this Original Imagery Exercise Thread

For this side exercise, we will be practicing writing on a specific subject. I think it will be interesting to see what different imagery we all come up with.

The subject will be: a sunset

Seems generic? Well, it is, and that's the point. We're looking for a concrete but fresh way that the reader can "see" the sunset. Don't write about the "pink skies fading into midnight". But write a poem where the imagery sparks from a sunset, and build your poem on "sunset" metaphors. You can include your own "story" or your own situations, but try very hard to show the sunset as an important, even climatic, part of your poem.

Good luck to all, and happy holidays! heart There will be subsequent exercises after this one, I think we'll cover imagery for a while.

(From this exercise five poems will be chosen that display the best understanding and use of imagery, and will be entered in a contest eventually. Prizes will also be given out at that time. If you would like your practice entered, please specify, and you will be notified later if your poem from this practice is entered. )

Dagda IV

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Post: 11148413_2 created on Sun, 27 Nov 2005 18:13:11 +0000
Posted: Sun, 27 Nov 2005 18:13:11 +0000

Crystalline lines refracted
like strong strokes of
a masterful brush,
spread-eagled
across sapphire-blue canvas,
smoother than milk
shifting over the mirror
mother always held dear.
Breathlessly animated
sailing through the
finality of ashes
phoenix-like
reborn again
in the morning.
~~~~~~~~~
Poot.

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Post: 11148413_3 created on Sun, 27 Nov 2005 18:33:39 +0000
Posted: Sun, 27 Nov 2005 18:33:39 +0000

Me pondering on this exercise...

The day ends on a sour note,
like blue cheese on rye bread,
pungent and scoffing at flavor.
The clouds are a sickly gray-green
and at the horizon the sun
hangs crooked against heavy bisque.

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Post: 11148413_4 created on Sun, 27 Nov 2005 18:47:41 +0000
Posted: Sun, 27 Nov 2005 18:47:41 +0000

Follow My Lied

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Post: 11148413_5 created on Sun, 27 Nov 2005 18:53:04 +0000
Posted: Sun, 27 Nov 2005 18:53:04 +0000

His blazing casket was extinguished
as it stretched slowly into the yawning,
disinterested grave. Nothing
but an atmospheric illusion.

But as I turned to glimpse his
dearly beloved, for whom
we were really gathered there that day,
her tears in profile remained illustrous magma;

as dripping flames from a hot
and grievous spring.
I honestly believed that their
light would sustain

long after its source
sank, traditionally,
into the western sea.

meh... xp

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Post: 11148413_6 created on Sun, 27 Nov 2005 19:04:09 +0000
Posted: Sun, 27 Nov 2005 19:04:09 +0000

Here we go

His flaming casket was extinguished
as it stretched slowly into the yawning,
disinterested grave. Nothing
but an atmospheric illusion.

But as I turned to glimpse his
dearly beloved, for whom
we were really gathered there today,
her tears in profile were magma;

Eww eww, not after having such nice imagery would you go and start a stanza with BUT. I don't like your but, okay? xd

And "we were really gathered there today" is not only mixing tenses, it just sounds funny. You can't say you "turned" (ed past tense) and "were" then say "today" then say "were" again in the last line. smile Work that area?

as dripping flames from a hot

OMG NOT FLAMES AGAIN. Flaming, flames=meh.

and grievous spring.

The place that magma or "tears" comes from being described as a "spring". I'm not too sure that's getting your point across. Does magma come from a spring?

I honestly believed that their
light would sustain

long after its source
sank, traditionally,
into the western sea.

Lovely lovely sunset at sea burial scene. I like this, but why their light..etc? you were just taking the reader over to this "her"? And now you abandon her and jump back to them? I think you should pick one.

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Post: 11148413_7 created on Sun, 27 Nov 2005 19:16:28 +0000
Posted: Sun, 27 Nov 2005 19:16:28 +0000

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Thanks. Especially for your speed!! heart

I think my "but" looks great in this stanza! rofl
I was trying to show that, while the casket was no longer ablaze, her tears were. Or something.

I believe magma has to come from somewhere...does it not? sweatdrop

And, as far as I can understand myself, I go from the casket, to the woman, to her tears, which are being illuminated by the setting sun, and how I would imagine her tears still burning brightly even after the sun was set.

But work I shall! mrgreen

Dagda IV

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Post: 11148413_9 created on Sun, 27 Nov 2005 19:35:50 +0000
Posted: Sun, 27 Nov 2005 19:35:50 +0000

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Dagda requested critique. I'll do brief critiques in this thread for anyone..pm me requests, please? I can't be here all the time to watch and see who wants a going over. heart And they won't be instant.

Dagda, why do you press enter so much? It may be your style, but it's giving me this "read two words, pause, read two wrods, pause" thing when I am reading your work. It's just how I write. I dunno... I've never been able to do it any other way, and changing now is a wierd thought. It adds emphasis to what I want.

Third line, PERIOD at end. But first, I think you might want to "hold" this image apart a little, and it seems to be hanging awkward with the period. THe period stops and gives the image it's own "right", but then it's not a complete sentance, which makes it awkward. Even just putting "are refracted" would do it. Maybe? Incomplete sentences... I get this complaint a lot. I don't know how to do it completely, so incomplete it is. My writing style is awkward, but I like it, so... meh. Not to say you're not right about it, it's just that I can't write any other way, or I get all ******** up.

Then, the next three lines are the same thing, they're fragments. But that may be your style...I'm not saying it's wrong, okay? But maybe sentance structure would be nice. Understood completely. whee

"spread-eagled" Yes? Hyphenate.

Spread-eagled and smoother than milk are good there..I'm getting a sunset that is almost haphazard like a girl lying spread-eagle, and then her skin (the sunset) being smoother than milk. Yeap. That's what I was going for.

Canvas seems a bit cliche to me...not sure why. Don't a lot of people refer to the sky as a canvas?Yes. Yes they do. I tried to add a little bit of originality to the image though.

Don't know why this mirror and the mother are introduced. I'd like to know why, but the way it is, it's just like...a little wtf. heart The image was incomplete, in my mind. It's Gaia's mirror, so to speak.

Phoenix-like. Hypen again.

Breathless life...pfffft. Not doing it for me. And there really really needs to be some punctuation in this last part, REALLY. hmm...I don't know how to fix this! Blargh... Breathless life seemed to work for me, until now, and I don't want to just add a this.

This breathless life
sailing through the
finality of ashes,
phoenix-like,
reborn again
in the morning.

(this is a critique, not my judging of your poem) heart

Thanks for the crit. I'll work on it, of course.

LaverneTerres

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Post: 11148413_10 created on Sun, 27 Nov 2005 19:42:15 +0000
Posted: Sun, 27 Nov 2005 19:42:15 +0000

Honey, she said,
irises shunned,
we've only got
the rest of the day.

She hoarded effects
in maniacal breezes,
attitude giving hypothermia
like collectibles.
The things missed
were things lost.

The sky halo tumbled
slowly down to meet them.
Occasionally a bliss bird
would plunge into its surface.

Baby, she said,
freezing the blankets
with her fiesty stare,
we've got one last hour.

They used their final
sexual time-waster;
behind them,
reddish heights sprang
as their idol sunk down
and met the ground.

---

Felt a little... off.

Colgate Ciss

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Post: 11148413_11 created on Sun, 27 Nov 2005 19:43:58 +0000
Posted: Sun, 27 Nov 2005 19:43:58 +0000

She wonders what to say
As the moment breaks away
Spellbinding tension rising in her chest
When this is all over will she be able to rest?
If only her essence was not trapped in her dream
Following such things that take so long to sceme
She'll never be able to hold another being
Wasted years and the future she's not seeing
Sinking away from the good days she wants
Youth and strength is always there to taunt
Almost like the sunset - beautiful and old
Her exit from this world will be forever bold

cool Made that on the spot.
Wanna critize?
Have it join the contest or whatever?
...I dunno...
x3

mucus filled uterus

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Post: 11148413_12 created on Sun, 27 Nov 2005 19:44:08 +0000
Posted: Sun, 27 Nov 2005 19:44:08 +0000

Indulge
Crimson and platinum like
yellow foot-prints, saunter across
the sky.
Hazed luminous, peek through
spreaded marshmellow clouds--
and we look up, eyes glistering
as the twilight mirrors from our pupils.
Dare we glance at eachother, and miss
one moment of this cultivating occurence
where ours and theirs collide.

We do run our fingers through the antecedent
dew,
and we do-- indulge.

I know it's not great, but I've been having the ultimate block and there wasn't a good enough excuse for me not to attempt this.

Hoodimann

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Post: 11148413_13 created on Sun, 27 Nov 2005 22:30:16 +0000
Posted: Sun, 27 Nov 2005 22:30:16 +0000

Quote:

She horded effects

Hon, just so you know. You may need an "a" for hoarded.

Oh, and Disco, since "refracted" can be a verb, his incomplete sentence is not so incomplete, merely not constructed well. If I read his first three lines aloud, I get a complete sentence, however "refracted" is a verb in this situation. If you (the poet who wrote that), don't want "refracted" to be construed strictly as a verb, you need to alter it.

Just since I had half a minute.

I'll try this exercise myself in a bit. Let me cogitate, ruminate, and other nice words which end in "ate".

eek xp

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Post: 11148413_14 created on Sun, 27 Nov 2005 22:33:41 +0000
Posted: Sun, 27 Nov 2005 22:33:41 +0000

Hoodimann

Quote:

She horded effects

Hon, just so you know. You may need an "a" for hoarded.

Oh dear God. I think I'm getting sick or something.

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Post: 11148413_15 created on Sun, 27 Nov 2005 22:34:54 +0000
Posted: Sun, 27 Nov 2005 22:34:54 +0000

Colgate Ciss

I do not believe that merely using the term "sunset" as an ineffective simile is what was to be gone after. Also, you need to hire an "h" for scheme. They work pretty cheaply. Also, what is "critize"? A simple way to remember criticize, is to recall that the entire word "critic" is included. Now, merely "ize" the critic, and we can have done with critize, critisise, critizize, criticice and other odd manifestations of an "izing" critic.

Good luck! cool

(Note: I wasn't invited to the thread, but I was bored and had a few moments.)

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