Now I am not the best to point out any flaws. I know that my grammer and my spelling will suffer greatly if it isn't for the use of Word and spellcheck. However, I have noticed a few small glitches in the writing that had made me stop for a moment and thus ruint the flow of the story.
It is not that bad of a piece. You have an idea of what you want to write and you know the language well - two points in your favour in my books. You also are working on a rather tried and true kind of story that so far looks to be something standard - I do hope the characters will distract the reader from the basic plotline of master meets slave - something happens - master and slave become lovers the end. Your imagry is fairly decent, but I think you should find some ways to use much more powerful descriptive words. For instances
Quote:
It was another scorching hot morning in the city, Juandos. As usual, the marketplace was bustling with eager peasants and greedy merchants. Weary travellers were just passing through the main gates, many of them being checked by guards. A rather stout man rode through the crowded street on a camel, peering at the booths to see what sort of merchandise was being sold. There was a foul smell drifting from his robes, and a nasty grin was plastered to his roughly-shaven face.
would sound much more better if it was phrased
Quote:
The sun's heat pounded into the city of Juandos unchecked by wind or clouds. Even this early in the morning, the marketplace was bustling with eager peasants and greedy merchants. Weary travellers
passing through the main gates were checked by the guards longuing in what little shade the buildings offered them. A stout man rode through the crowded street on a camel,
his body emmitting an oder just as foul as the smile twisting his unsahved face. He stared at the booths he passed but did not stop to look anything over as he rode through the crowd.
Anyways, I would like to see more of what you've got planned for the story.
