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GIFT OF PRIDE STORY CONTEST

Username: 1337play3r
Flair: Gift Of Change
Story: To this day I'm still unsure if I'm bi or pan, but I prefer the pan flag ^^.

About me: My first crush was a girl from a TV series Sanctuary, at first I thought I were hetero/lesbian (explanation in a second), but then I also started crushing on boys. I used to argue with my mom, that I'll get a gf in the future, won't have children and transition, things changed later on. (Or have them via surogacy, or I'll build robots and call them kids etc.)

Since I remember I also hated being a girl, I used to tell people I'm (like) a guy, we used to fight for the same girls, play together etc. Due to extremely (retarded) conservative and abusive childhood I was forced to do "socially feminine" stuff as a kid and I hated it.

The funniest story is about me being being forced to dance in a girls-only group by my parents. when I wasn't even in a kindergarten at that time. I begged my parents not to, but noone listened and I've heard that "girls have to know how to dance". I refused to dance "because it's for girls, and I'm not (or I won't be) one" (I hated everything feminine for over 20 years).

Then one day the teacher told us there will be a visitation and that we have to do our best or she'll get expelled. So during the event, I got down on my fours and started barking and pretending to be a dog. I thought it definitely will end in her loosing job and me not having to go there anymore. She retained her job, but I was expelled and this was the happies moment in my 3-year-old life till that point.

My first real-world crush was a girl from my class in middle school, also I was her friend when many men tried to (I was bad at talking with girls, but she was different), but I've felt it's unfair to her, as I'm pretending to be her friend while I want something more (I used to do it a lot in school thinking that they will laugh at me and hate me).

Also I was forced to do many "feminine" things by my parents that abused me physically and mentally (I don't know if it's oversharing, but both my siblings died because of them).

I thought that the first moment I turn 18 I'll get a job to save up money for my transition, but it never happend. I have had a horrible gender dysphoria since I remember and watched a lot of Blair White as a teen and because scared/aware of the problems with transitioning.

I dated a guy around that time. I thought, in an unhealthy way, that staying a "tomboyish" girl gives me "advantage", because men do not mind dating bi woman, but it's very hard to date a guy while being trans. And I was really bad at picking up girls (I just ended up their bff and got jealous of them.)

I thought that I'm broken because I feel romantic attraction and sexual repulsion towards men (this changed after some "eye-opening" experiences much later on in life). This also happened in my next relationship, and nudged me into thinking that I actually might be biromantic, homosexual, but I ended up just pan/bi later on.

The next relationship broke me in many other ways. One of those ways was forcing me to transition. At the same time, after dating for 2,5 years, he started to talk again to his male ex-best friend and when he cried because of him I felt that they were more than friends. In general I felt like he wanted me to become like his gay friend or he'll break up with me and start dating him. Because of that and other things he did I could not stay with him (and he ended up dating that guy, but eventually they broke up and his ex blocked him).

This caused a "conservative rebound". I wanted to date conservative men and "look like a woman".

At first I felt like a clown dressing up "girly" (at the beginning my fashion sense was... let's say lacking and my clothing choices were similiar to what my drag queen friend did at the beginning - I used to be mistaken for mtf a lot).

About being mistaken for mtf - it even happened at the beginning of my current relationship, as my current boyfriend thought that I might be mtf at first, but he took his chances that I'm not. When I used tinder beforehand I used to get questions from matches about being trans... I used to respond with "if I were born as a male I'd never transition" or "God I wish".

When my other male friend started crossdressing at the same time we both felt the same struggles as we started navigating the more "feminine" side of ourselves, I used to tell him that I also feel like a cross-dresser when I do that. Can you even identify as a male who crossdresses as a biological female? Sure did I.

But I did it in the rebound mode and all I wanted was some conservative guy who will say that I'm enough, a "real woman" and that I don't have to transition to be valid, but at the same time I still wanted to transition. After a few years of dating conservatives (it ended up badly, but good in some aspects) and thanks to a few "mind-opening" events in my life I started gradually accepting my body, working on it etc. I'm healthiest that I've been in years, yet still very much unhappy, as I'm with someone who does not tolerate my gender, my orientation nor, as I sometimes feel, myself. But I am in a, objectively, much better spot.

I think that I definitely still have gender dysphoria, but if people tollerate things I do (looks, hobbies), do not belittle me for being "manly" etc. I'm much healthier as a woman than I'd be as a man in some ways. I've had a "friend" who was gay, crossdressing, and used to laugh and hate my tone, bacause it's not "feminine". And many people, even "left-wing" ones, hated my manly hobbies, manly voice etc. Around those I was never feminine enough, and around conservatives... trust me, at very least, they think it's stupid and they think that I am me and they like my voice, tone and shared hobbies.

But because of this duality I've never found "my people" and feel very alienated. Also a lot of other things happened and I don't know what to think.

I used to tell everyone that I'm bi/pan when I was younger, I had a giant crush on a gorgeous trans female with very cool hair too previously and I got rejected. ;_;
But around conservatives I rarely mention that, and when I do I always lie about how I prefer guys, or I would not be with a girl, because I won't be able to start a family... It's tiring both ways. It's lonely. I don't know if I'm not "closing" (aka I was open about my orientation before, now I'm not), especially at work etc. but some people just knew anyways, because I just can't keep it a secret.

Also I hated when some men just forced me onto women when there was no chemistry, I know they tried being helpful, but it's just the opposite ;_;

GIFT OF PRIDE STORY CONTEST

Username: PrincessCrystal33
Flair: Gift of Inclusivity (don't know if I am trans or not but I'm happy to be me)
Story: So growing up I never seemed to be "masculine" as everyone wanted me to be and always looked into "Feminine" stuff. I really liked fashion and princesses and I often pretended to be one by wrapping myself in a blanket and prancing around the house in my mom's high heels when nobody was home. In high school, I got really into magical girl shows and kinda fantasized being one for a bit. Honestly, I don't know much about taking the first step or anything but I came out to myself and my parents about my feelings and my parents absolutely hate it so. I got to move out or something. Sorry if this is so short or boring.