Welcome to Gaia! ::

So for me, coming out as non-binary masculine, for the most part, felt more like "I need to update folks on some information...I also don't know how to organically work it into a conversation."

But the story I want to share is when I decided to tell the first two people outside of myself and my husband. Having the support of my two closest guy friends was so important to me, and so telling them was top priority. Let's call them "Rick" and "C."

"C." Has been one of my closest friends for...well it's getting damn close to 20 years. I've been friends with "Rick" for probably about 10 years at this point and both of them are like the brothers that I didn't get to grow up with as a kid, but I did get to grow into an adult with.

We were on a group chat and I finally decided to just go for it and said, "Heeeey...so guys...I'm non-binary masculine."

The first thing I hear is "Rick" go, "I HAVE BEEN WAITING SO LONG TO HEAR YOU SAY THAT!!!! I'VE THOUGHT THAT FOR AGES NOW, IT'S SO GOOD TO HEAR YOU SAY IT!!!!"

And that's a perfect snapshot of our friendship really. "Rick" is one of those people who pushes me to be my real self by literally cheering and encouraging me. He's good at giving me that extra push.

The first thing that "C." said was, "I only have one question...can I still call you bro?" A question that just made me deliriously happy.

"C." is someone who's always seen me exactly as I am. So updating pronouns was just like the next logical step for him. We'd been calling each other "bro" for ages already as just a normal thing. That question coming from him wasn't a, "Oh no! I don't have to give up something right?" and instead it was this really re-assuring, "Just double checking if this is still accurate." type of question.

As a kid I had a hard time making friends, because as an AFAB person I just had a hard time making close friendships. I didn't fit most peoples' standards of "girl" and I really didn't want to. I really just wanted people to like the person I am, without me having to meet some kind of gender expectation. That's exactly the kind of friend "C." is. He's always seen me exactly as I am, so he's always a comforting friend to be around.

The reason I wanted to share this story with folks is because I think it's so important to have people in your life who just love the hell out of the person that you are, and friendships are just as important as romantic relationships. Talking to other people and family members was a lot easier after I came out to "Rick" and "C." because no matter what response I got from anyone else, I knew that those guys had my back no matter what. Talking to people can feel really scary, but if you have people that you can talk openly and honestly with, it helps you build a community around yourself of people who want to see you, and each other thrive. It makes me feel like being queer isn't something I have to keep to myself, or something that people have to overlook. Instead, it's like a fire that bolsters others the stronger it burns in me. And really, that's what I want everyone to have. emotion_rainbow

This story was something that I find interesting and maybe even funny looking back on. It's not my full "coming out" per say but, let's call it the lynch pin.

It's the first semester of my senior year in college. I walk into my advanced drawing class on the first day and quickly scope out the room. I'm siting next to a chatty group. Theres a few unfamiliar faces, but seemingly they all know each other. I'm sitting just barely outside the group because I want to join in but i'm too insecure...which, well, is surprisingly metaphorical as they were all LGBTQ+ and out, and I was someone still resisting who I was. Our professor eventually comes in and tells us she wants to jump right into our first reading and thinking exercise. Our reading for that course was about the connection between art and identity, the first chapter focusing on names and labels. She gives us the task to write out our full birthname and then write out where each name came from. I immediately start it before she even finishes talking. Quickly though, I hear discomfort in the group beside me. Suddenly, someone speaks up and the group and our professor go back and forth about how this is too troubling of an assignment for a trans person to do because of the pain their deadname brings. I listen intently to the one transman's impassioned speech and I feel sad hearing his experiences with his deadname. Eventually, she lets it go and we just move on. I see both viewpoints and I wouldn't want to cause anyone discomfort... but, I'm sitting there for some time looking at my name, realization setting in. No part of my name is my own. A lot of rethinking about my life starts to happen, my relationship to my family, my childhood, who I am and who i try to be... While I feel for the group's woes, I feel grateful for the simple thinking exercise I didn't even realize I needed. It was sorta a weird serious start to me thinking more about stuff I'd be neglecting to think about for "survival" I suppose.

The semester moves on. We're assigned to create two artworks at home that explore our current chapters themes. One portion of the chapter focuses a lot on gender. I've always had issues with thinking about the female body, and after all the mental mess I was dealing with after the name debacle, this felt like a good excuse to think critically about why. At the time, I didn't quite understand why the imagery/themes for both pieces were where my mind went-- I created two pieces that essentially screamed "Helllooo i feel trapped in my body and i want to chop off my breasts!!". I presented these pieces during our critique with a huge wave of anxiety coming over me. I'm not someone who talks about how I feel or what i've been through, so this was...a LOT. I'm essentially standing there, beads of sweat pouring down my face as I'm subtly trying to see how my trans classmates are reacting. When class ends, I wonder why it mattered to me so much what they thought. Why did I want their validation so much? Maybe it wasn't validation I wanted but...confirmation?

Throughout the semester, they'd present their artworks, many on their trans identities and i'd find myself relating. For each point I related to, i'd try to find some sort of excuse for why I felt that way. But in my attempt to solidify those excuses, I'd search back into my past and find another clue that pointed me to the correct answer. And after a year of seeing my name over and over with my new context, of seeing my body and being reminded of those art assignment, of realizing how hard i'd been fighting myself my entire life, I finally started to realize I was trans. After a period of fear and grief, being unable to control my emotions, my fiancé(now husband!) laid beside me and asked me to tell him what was going on. After reminding me he loved me and was there(it's always felt like us against the world), I finally told him. It wasn't the end of the bumpy road, and i'm still on my journey, but as I continue to think back and see the clues, I think back to this class and how they such small assignments really forced my hand in thinking more about my identity. (and I find the image of me presenting those two art pieces and pretending they were not about what they were about with the trans students like "...bro..." hilarious looking back.)

i wouldn't call my story much of a story, or the least bit interesting, but i'll try my best. ive grappled with my trans identity for many years, always asking myself "am i? am i not?" but never settling on an answer. many years ago, i'd play online games as a male character, and refer to myself as a man but that was all pretend and fun, right? well unfortunately before i could make any gender discoveries i was confronted by a close online friend who just learned my given name, asking why i lied to them about being a guy. i felt mortified, awful, that i had deceived my friend and i melted back into a kind of... gender-purgatory. it stayed this way through a whole marriage, exploring non-binary, presenting as more masc, but still not really feeling like i fit in either side. i kept having thoughts and dreams about being a boy, and even presented the idea that i transition, but, numerous partners all expressed that they wouldnt date me anymore if i transitioned (yeah thats super discouraging to keep hearing over and over) and after a while i gave up. i decided id just be a girl and thats it, thats all i can be, thats all anyone wants me to be. i rolled with that mindset and just survived for a while until i met my girlfriend, who was adamant that i should live how i want to. she helped me realise that i should prioritise myself sometimes, and how i feel about myself is just as important as anyone else. i tentatively came out as trans at first, only dipping my toes into the cotton-candy water. i started wearing a binder, chose a different name for myself, and went with an amicable he/they on my profile (cus i certainly didnt look like a boy.. so.. i wrote they as a weird way to present me as more palatable) i still struggled with internal bias, thinking i would never pass, would never be clocked as anything more than they/them (its another story entirely that i viewed they/them as a sort of in-between pronoun, i dont think this anymore) thinking i was just pretending, working to overcome internalised transphobia to live as my truest self. i discovered an artist on tumblr (wolfertinger666) who draws pre-op and pre-HRT trans characters and i felt something click in my brain. i can just be who i want and people will still like me! i leaned into it, officially changing all my profiles to he/him pronouns (still have a weird relationship with 'they' for myself) and my friends were all super supportive when i finally had the courage to tell them! my best friend even said to me "yeah thats not surprising" when i told him i was trans. looking back there were a lot of signs that i just blatantly ignored or denied, so that tracks. i think now im mentally in a good headspace about my identity. im not out to my family yet, thats a whole other ball game i do not yet wish to participate in... but to my friends and coworkers, im just a dude trying to bro my way through life. being a boy is great, 10/10